


i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything [but i know i miss you]

by jordanreads



Series: if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? [2]
Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Mild substance abuse, Mutual Pining, Pre-Canon, basically texts and one shots, because it's Harry soo, but with canon divergence because certain things just aren't going to happen, discussions of anxiety and depression, the senior year fic we were robbed of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:41:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 55,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28084845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jordanreads/pseuds/jordanreads
Summary: Did he smile when he saw her name pop up on his phone? Granted, he was normally the one that texted her, try as she might to ignore him. The dates, times, and frequency of the messages showing his true feelings more than any words possibly could.But she still smiled every time she saw his name:Harry James Bingham. And then there was the stupid photo of the two of them on the Vineyard that she had saved to his contact.Even when she was mad at him (which happened frequently) or when he frustrated her (which also happened far more frequently than she would have liked), her heart still skipped a beat whenever she saw that he had texted her.or: cassandra and harry become friends again through manymanytexts senior year.
Relationships: Harry Bingham & Cassandra Pressman, Harry Bingham/Cassandra Pressman
Series: if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884505
Comments: 47
Kudos: 63





	1. i'm only seventeen, i don't know anything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hi! i’m back and sooo excited for part ii!! so this part will explore harry and cassandra’s relationship now that they’re back in west ham. so i hope you all like this and PLEASE let me know if there are any entries you’d like me to do a one shot for?? i already have two in mind, but am open to a couple more suggestions so lmk in the comments - thanks!
> 
> x jordan
> 
> also i made another [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6jc0hC4qZSHacPnBbhJvTH?si=NWFZSqxGT1a5TvLrrLlDjQ)

_**i’m only seventeen, i don’t know anything** _

**Sat, Sep 1, 11:33 AM**

_went to your house but your grandpa said you already left???  
what the fuck cass??_

**2:45 PM**

_we need to talk about this cassandra, it was your idea remember?  
i don’t even know if i want to be friends_

\--------------

**Sun, Sep 2, 1:08 AM**

_fuck sorry, that wasn’t true  
but i can’t believe you just left_

\--------------

**Mon, Sep 3, 5:35 PM**

_just got home, are you around to talk?  
or at least fucking text me back??_

**11:42 PM**

_alright, fine. see you at school tomorrow_

\--------------

**Tue, Sep 4, 7:37 AM**

_you didn’t have to completely ignore me_

**11:44 AM**

I know, sorry. That was shitty

_i don’t mind being friends or whatever, just please don’t ask me how my summer was in front of everyone like you didn’t know you were the best part of it_

I think I just need some time?

_fine_

\--------------

**Mon, Sep 10, 2:15 PM**

_sooo how’d you do on the spanish quiz? got a 94_

95

_smarty pants_

\--------------

**Thu, Sep 13, 8:32 PM**

_you want to hang out this weekend? maybe we could go for a drive or something?_

I can’t this weekend, sorry!

_okay, that’s cool  
did you do the euro reading??_

Yeah, it wasn’t too bad

_you think we’ll have a quiz on it?_

Maybe

_you want to review it during free tomorrow?_

\--------------

**Mon, Sep 17, 5:30 PM**

Hey, I think I have a sweatshirt of yours, I can bring it to debate tomorrow if you want?

_keep it_

\--------------

**Wed, Sep 19, 12:03 PM**

_you gonna try out for the class play?_

Did they announce it?

_yeah at first lunch  
it’s one of your favorites  
music man_

Oh fun! Maybe I’ll be an extra or something?

My EA app for Yale is due November 1st so I don’t want to have too much going on

_come on, cass  
you’d be a great marian_

I don’t know, I’m not that good of a singer

Rachel Harrison or Kelly would be really good though!

_you’re still gonna do the spring play though, right?_

Yeah, probably. Less people and everything, musicals are definitely more fun for the whole class though. Are you gonna audition?

_nah probably not, might be an extra or something. i mean i can sing, but yeah senior class play is on a different level than the spring play and not sure i want that kind of notoriety_

Exactly, pretty content just hanging back on this one

Anyway, I heard we have a reading quiz in lit

_and you’re just telling me this 10 minutes before class???_

Haha sorry

_you laugh now, but you won’t be when i’m sent down to regs english, god the humiliation  
you wanna walk with me to class? explain the particulars of scenes 3 and 4 of the glass menagerie??_

Hmmmmm fine

_where are you sitting? i’ll come over_

No don’t

I mean you don’t have to come over, I’ll meet you by the water fountain in a few. Just finishing up my lunch

_okay_

\--------------

**Mon, Sep 24, 3:22 PM**

_so i wasn’t in class today  
can i borrow your notes?  
it was my dad, we had to go to new haven last night_

Of course! And sorry to hear that, hope he’s doing better now?

_yeah, just a long night and morning_

I’ll send you some stuff when I get home

_thanks_

No prob!

**4:08 PM**

Here you go _[Image]_

_oh my god thank you, seriously you’re the best_

Let me know if you have any questions or whatever

\--------------

**Tue, Sep 25, 5:37 PM**

How’s your dad doing?

I didn’t want to bring it up during debate or anything, wasn’t sure who knew

_yeah, thanks for that  
no one really knows except you and kelly so_

Got it

But he’s doing okay?

_yeah, just a bit of a scare  
he’s going to stay over for a few more nights tho, just in case_

Hope it goes well and say hi to him for me

_i will  
and thanks cass_

Of course!

\--------------

**Fri, Sep 28, 3:21 PM**

_i’m having a few people over after the football game if you want to come? i meant what i said this summer, you’re always invited. you can bring your sister or helena or whoever and i promise not to be a dick about it in front of everyone if that’s what you’re worried about_

I actually can’t tonight, I already have plans with some people, maybe next time though?

_yeah, that’s cool_

\--------------

**Sat, Sep 29, 1:42 AM**

_i miss you  
being with you  
and talking with you  
it’s just hard here and i feel like you don’t like me here_

**10:02 AM**

You okay Har?

_yeah, sorry just forget i said that_

Okay

But for the record, I still like you here

\--------------

**Tue, Oct 9, 2:37 PM**

Are you going to be at debate today? We have a couple things to go over before the meet tomorrow??

_yeah, i’ll be there. might be late tho?? have to talk to hawkins about my lit essay_

Okay, no big

\--------------

**Fri, Oct 12, 4:19 PM**

_playing fugitive tonight, you want to be my second?_

Wait really?

_yeah, we haven’t played in ages. i need the distraction_

We should’ve played on the Cape

_don’t think they could’ve handled that_

But I actually can’t tonight, my grandparents are coming over for dinner, they’re staying for the weekend

I would’ve liked to though, a lot

_Ahh nice, say hi to them from me  
we can play a different night?? it’s not a big deal_

Oh my god don’t be silly. Go, enjoy

Just be careful!

_yes ma’am_

\--------------

**Sat, Oct 13, 11:42 AM**

_what was that restaurant you mentioned you liked in new haven??_

Shoot I don’t remember, it was Cuban though!

And not far from Yale

_very adventurous for you cass  
but cool, thanks_

Why?

_my dad and i are in the area and i’m hungry for some real food_

Ah got it

How was fugitive?

_good, but could’ve used you as a second…_

Heard Kelly was more than happy to ride shotgun…

\--------------

**Tue, Oct 16, 3:03 PM**

Ummm hi Mr Vice President???

You’re supposed to be at all the debate practices. Mrs Peters is pissed, we were supposed to start at 2:45?

_sorry, something came up, i had to pick up kennedy  
i’ll be there in 15_

Oh okay

Sorry!

Wait, we’ll probably be done by then, she just wanted to run through some details before Thursday’s meet

So don’t worry about it!

Just let me know next time and I can help out

Seriously

_thanks cass_

\--------------

**Sun, Oct 21, 1:26 AM**

_i think kelly and i are getting back together  
just thought you should know  
didn’t want you to find out at school or anything  
think it’ll be good for me now_

\--------------

**Wed, Oct 24, 6:31 PM**

_you going to jason’s halloween party saturday?_

I don’t think so

_come onnnnnn  
i need a sloane for my ferris_

Isn’t that what your girlfriend’s for?

\--------------

**Fri, Oct 26, 11:43 PM**

Why did you get back together with Kelly?

I mean I guess it was always just a matter of time

Idk forget I asked, that wasn’t fair

Kelly’s great, really

Actually please just ignore this

I’m at Helena’s and she had wine and I’m drunk

It seemed like you guys were always good together

Sorry to bother you or whatever

_it’s easier i guess  
she doesn’t expect that much from me_

\--------------

**Thu, Nov 1, 8:22 PM**

_did you do the spanish worksheet yet? not really following along with this video_

Here [image]

_you didn’t have to send me the whole thing!  
i could’ve figured it out  
eventually  
thanks cass_

Figured you might need some help, you weren’t at school again

_yeah, my dad’s back in the hospital_

Oh my god! Please say hi to him for me

Hope he goes home soon

How’s Kennedy?

_thanks and she’s okay. she’s got her field hockey team which has been really good_

I might text her if that’s okay?

_yeah, of course  
i mean just because we aren’t a thing anymore, doesn’t mean you can’t text her or hang out  
i think she misses you_

I didn’t want it to be weird or anything

Maybe we’ll do something after her next field hockey game?

_pretty sure she has one tomorrow_

Cool, I’ll text her

**8:56 PM**

We’re gonna get ice cream

_wait there’s going to be ice cream involved???_

Mmhhhmm, Dairy Queen even

_might have to tag along to this fockey game now  
pretty sure you still owe me an ice cream…_

\--------------

**Fri, Nov 2, 7:32 PM**

_again, sorry for getting ice cream in your car_

My mom is gonna be PISSED Harry

_i’ll pay for it to get cleaned geez, it’s just a volvo_

Oh my godddddd

Waiting for my Venmo notification…

\--------------

**Wed, Nov 7, 3:47 PM**

_can you come over?_

What’s wrong?

Are you okay? You weren’t at school

_please cass  
i need you_

You’re scaring me

Harry??

_cassandra please  
i don’t want to tell you over the phone  
i wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important  
i’m just really scared and all alone and i need you_

Okay I’ll be there soon, just give me like 10 minutes

_just come right up_

**8:17 PM**

Just got home, text me tomorrow, okay? Or if you need anything

**10:49 PM**

_okay_

\--------------

**Thu, Nov 8, 2:16 PM**

Just got out of class, do you need me to bring you anything? I figure Kelly will get most of your work, but let me know if you and Kennedy need anything else. My grandparents both wanted to let you guys know how sorry they were to hear about your dad

_your nana texted me, it was sweet_

I didn’t even know she had your number

_she made me give it to her when we went to the drive in that time_

Of course she did

_you didn’t have to come over yesterday_

Of course I had to Harry

And I really am sorry about your dad

Text me if you need anything, okay?

_okay_

\--------------

**Mon, Nov 12, 10:12 PM**

_thanks for coming to the service  
you didn’t have to_

You keep saying that, so I’m going to keep saying this, of course I did

_i miss him so much_

You know how much he loved you

And how proud of you he was Har

\--------------

**Wed, Nov 14, 4:44 PM**

How’re you?

_tired_

Still not sleeping well?

_i don’t want to sleep_

Are your grandparents still staying over?

_no  
my grandma and grandpa went home, but my dad’s mom is still here  
she’s gonna stay until ken and i go back to school, maybe longer i don’t know_

That’ll be good

_it’s definitely more for kennedy’s sake than mine  
she kind of avoids me, like i heard her and my mom talking the other night about how much i remind her of him  
my mom said that isn’t necessarily a good thing_

Shit, that sucks. I’m sorry

_it’s whatever_

Someone’s got to look after you too

Text me if you can’t sleep, okay? I might not be awake, but it’ll make you feel better to text someone

_okay_

Seriously Harry

I know you probably won’t, but I wouldn’t have said anything if I didn’t mean it

_okay_

And take a shower! I know you probably haven’t since Monday. Or go for a drive or something, get out of the house for a while. We can go for a walk or something too? Whatever you want Har

_maybe i’ll go for a drive  
thanks cass_

Text me if you need anything

**10:39 PM**

_hey cass?_

Yeah?

_thanks for everything_

Of course

\--------------

**Fri, Nov 16, 3:09 PM**

Not sure if/when you’ll ever want to look at these, but here are all my notes from this week. The first page has all the class work we did compared to the homework and then there are the actual notes from class [image]

_thanks  
wait this is like 20 pages??  
typed_

I wanted to be thorough!

_you always have been i guess  
thanks_

\--------------

**Sun, Nov 18, 7:57 PM**

_think i’m gonna come back to school tomorrow_

Really?

I mean I guess it is a short week before the holiday

_that’s what i figured  
i can’t sit here anymore  
my mom and grandma are driving me fucking crazy_

Well I know Mr. Klein definitely missed you in Euro last week, we wrapped up Enlightenment and no one appreciated his movie selection

And then we did the second derivative test in calc and I thought I failed the pop quiz we had, but I actually got an 83, which like not the best, but the class average was like a 68, so definitely look over the notes I sent you, it was tricky

_your notes were very thorough_

We can meet up during free tomorrow if you need to go over anything? Seriously, let me know

_okay, thanks_

\--------------

**Thu, Nov 22, 8:33 AM**

Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you guys manage to have some turkey

_you too. it’s funny, my mom had to order one. my dad always used to do the turkey and none of us know how_

Oh sorry! Well enjoy the stuffing or potatoes

_it’s okay_

Say hi to Kennedy for me. And I hope you guys still have a nice day

_thanks cass_

\--------------

**Wed, Nov 28, 3:34 AM**

_i had a dream about you  
we were at the beach, but it was pouring  
and you kept asking me to teach you how to surf, but i said no because the water was too rough and you went out anyways and there was this huge wave that came up out of nowhere and you kept asking me to come in with you but i couldn’t get to you, you just kept going further and further out and the waves went in the opposite direction and kept bringing you further out  
you looked really scared and kept screaming for help, but i couldn’t move  
i just stood there_

**7:08 AM**

It probably didn’t mean anything

Dreams are weird like that

_you’re right  
it was stupid_

No, I didn’t mean it like that

I just meant don’t read too much into it, okay?

I know you’d come out to save me

_yeah  
i would  
thanks_

\--------------

**Fri, Nov 30, 11:51 PM**

_you should come to campbell’s_

It’s like midnight, I’m sleeping

Plus Campbell hates me

Why are you there?

_he’s doesn’t hate you, he’s literally your cousin  
and i needed a break from stuff, my mom and grandma are driving me fucking crazy  
so you’re sleeping?  
then how are you texting me???_

Alright fine, I’m not sleeping. I’m in bed finishing a movie

_what’re you watching_

You wouldn’t like it

_hmmm what’re you wearing then_

Oh my god

Seriously Harry??

_you’re right, better to imagine it_

Harry…

_doesn’t matter anyway  
literally nothing will beat the cranberry colored bra from that first night  
except maybe the lack of one that other night  
kind of like that i’m the only guy who knows what you look like when you come_

Are you drunk?

Or high?

_no cassandra i’m 100% sober on a friday night at a party texting you about how i still think about the way your back arched off the bed as my mouth touched your cunt for the first time_

If you’re going to text me stuff like that again, don’t be an asshole about it

_thought you liked when i texted you stuff like that??_

Not if you don’t really mean it

_what’s that supposed to mean??_

Did you drive? I can pick you up if you need me to?

_no obviously  
grizz drove  
and kelly isn’t here, she’s on a college visit this weekend at moho or smith idk which one_

Oh okay

I get it now

_get what??_

Night Har

\--------------

**Tue, Dec 4, 1:53 PM**

Stop staring at me

_stop doing things that make me stare at you  
also texting in class?? tsk tsk miss pressman..._

Mr. Klein never cares

And we only have like 20 minutes left anyway

What am I doing to make you stare at me?

_hmmmm just that i know exactly what you’re wearing under that shirt, could see the faintest cranberry colored outline of something when we were leaving lit earlier…  
funny, we were just talking about it on friday night and here it is  
oh are you warm, sweetheart? i can ask to crack open a window if you want?_

No

_interesting, you’re all flushed  
almost the same color as something else…_

Finish your worksheet

_i already finished  
do you still need to finish?_

Harry…

_let me know if you need my help finishing_

**2:15 PM**

_well someone’s in a hurry to get out of class  
you do know i’m going see you at debate in like 10 minutes right?_

Fuck off

_looking forward to debating election reform with you  
so many interesting points i’m keen to discuss_

**3:46 PM**

We can’t do that again, got it?

Harry, I’m serious

You have a girlfriend

_what if i didn’t?_

Don’t

That’s not fair

\--------------

**Wed, Dec 5, 1:58 AM**

_i’m sorry about earlier  
i shouldn’t have done that  
but you were driving me crazy all day sweetheart  
since friday night really  
and then when mrs peters told us to take a lap to cool down all i could think about was how fucking pretty you looked talking about election reform and how long it had been since i last kissed you and i just had to do it  
and i still remember the last time and how i wish i knew it was the last time if that makes sense?  
anyway, i’m sorry_

**7:10 AM**

Don’t worry, I won’t tell Kelly or anything

_fuck i’m not gonna ask you to do that, it’s my fault  
i’m really sorry_

You have to get your shit together Harry

_i know  
i’ve just been tired lately_

Might help to talk to someone?

_maybe  
not sure i have much to say_

I think you have too much to say

And it’s not good to bottle it up

_i really am sorry cass_

I know and it wasn’t all your fault either

I definitely played a part in it

Seriously, I know you and know you’re going to lose sleep over this

It’s okay

We just can’t do it again

_i know, see you at school_

\--------------

**Wed, Dec 12, 6:40 PM**

_just want to say for the record that spring play dress rehearsals never have this many issues…_

Clearly it’s because of me

_you do run a tight ship_

That’s only because I don’t like to be at school rehearsing for hours. And we haven’t even gotten through act one...

_i still think you would’ve made a better marian the librarian than rachel_

And who would that make you?

_professor harold hill of course_

Oh of course!

_now extra #29 who’s your dance partner?_

Clarke

_l o l  
you can be mine, we’ll switch  
i’m with caroline cormier_

Pretty sure extra #29 can’t suddenly pair up with extra #47, think that would ruin the choreography

_i’ll take care of it. clarke has a thing for caroline anyway. i’ll just tell him we have to talk about debate or something  
come on cass please?_

Fine, but you better know all the steps

_i’m sure you’ll set me straight_

\--------------

**Fri, Dec 14, 10:17 PM**

_you coming to the after party at luke’s?_

I don’t think so, extra #29 wasn’t that involved in the play. Everyone did a really good job though

_i mean extra #47 wasn’t super involved in it either, but i’m still here...  
you should come_

I don’t know

_i wanna see you though  
you know luke’s got this massive wine cellar  
very private  
don’t think anyone would miss us…_

I said we couldn’t do that again

_but you want to?_

Harry stop

You’re being mean

_i’m being mean?_

I already feel really bad about it and now I have to see you and Kelly at school all the time, all over each other, studying in the library and walking to class together and everything and it just makes me feel like a horrible person because I helped you cheat on her which is just really fucking shitty. And I never should’ve let you convince me to be your dance partner in the play either. I heard what Clarke said to you tonight at curtain call thanking you for doing him a solid by switching. And now you’re asking me to come to a party that I very much don’t want to go to just so you can hook up with me even though your girlfriend is probably there too

So yes Harry, you’re being mean

_fuck you  
you’re the one who was too fucking scared of what everyone would think of us_

I just needed time!

_that you ghosted me for three fucking days after i begged you to talk to me  
no that’s mean cassandra, not whatever the fuck this is_

You’re the one who got a girlfriend which was exactly what I knew would happen

_you’re just jealous_

Fuck off. You’re drunk

_i’m not drunk_

Then you’re high, which is worse

_fuck you_

\--------------

**Sat, Dec 15, 11:41 AM**

_i’m sorry_

I am too

Just please don’t bring it up again, okay? Like I already feel like shit about what happened and it’s not fair to you or me or Kelly and I have this massive pit in my stomach whenever I see her now and I feel awful because she’s so nice to me and I did this awful thing to her

_cass i can tell her, really  
i’ll do whatever you want_

It’s alright, I know how much you like her. We just have to be friends Harry, okay?

_yeah_

Okay

\--------------

**Wed, Dec 19, 7:08 PM**

_congrats on yale! you deserve it, i know how important it was to you_

Thanks! I’m still kind of in shock tbh 

You didn’t apply anywhere early, right?

_nah, still thinking things over  
but seriously, so proud of you cass_

Thanks Harry!

_so since you already got into college are you gonna start slacking off?? does this mean i’ll finally be able to surpass you in class rank??_

Ha nice try, but I think salutatorian is still yours to lose

_hmmm we’ll see_

\--------------

**Tue, Dec 25, 4:39 PM**

Merry Christmas!

_you too  
we’re at my grandparents house upstate for a few days  
it’s kind of awkward/weird_

I’m sorry, that really sucks

Now what did Harry Bingham get for Christmas?

_a watch and my mom did something with my dad’s ring so it fits me now  
[Image]_

Damn Karen! She does know you’re like seventeen, right? Like normal seventeen year olds don’t get $8,100 watches for Christmas

_wait, is that how much it cost???_

I looked it up

_is it bad that i think i like the ring better than the watch?  
i look like an asshole wearing the watch and like i’m not even a watch guy?? and you’re telling me she spent that much money on it??? i get that that makes me sound like a dick but what the fuck karen???  
it does feel weird that i’m the one wearing the ring tho_

No, I like it better too

He would’ve wanted you to have it

You waspy families and your signet rings

Speaking of waspy, we’re in Palm Beach

_i know, saw your instagram  
nearly killed me when i saw the red bathing suit make an appearance_

Harry…

_what it’s true??_

Doesn’t mean you get to say it

Have a good break

\--------------

**Tue, Jan 1, 2:16 AM**

_god i miss you  
cass  
cassandra  
remember that first night in my backyard when we just laid out there? i’ve never felt that way with anybody else  
i’ve never felt the way i do with you with anyone else sweetheart_

**10:57 AM**

_sorry about last night  
i was really drunk_

That’s what I figured, it’s okay

_it’s not, it was really shitty of me to do that  
i’ll try not to bother you about stuff like that again_

Happy New Year Harry

_happy new year cass_

\--------------

**Fri, Jan 11, 5:39 PM**

_i’m sorry, but did i hear this right?  
are you going to the movies with my sister tonight???_

Yeah, she asked if I wanted to see the new Marvel movie with her. Think she just wanted a ride

_but you hate marvel movies???_

I don’t hate them

I just didn’t know what was going on so I didn’t enjoy them as much. But I’ve watched a lot of them since then and have a new appreciation for the world building

And I like the guy who plays Spiderman

_‘the world building’ seriously???  
wild friday night you’re having, hanging out with a 14 year old…_

Don’t be a dick, Kennedy asked and I said yes. You’re just jealous you didn’t get invited. And don’t crash

_i wasn’t planning on it, i’m going to the hockey game tonight  
with kelly_

Have fun!

**10:28 PM**

_how was the movie_

Good, but Kennedy can give you a better recap

_right_

\--------------

**Mon, Jan 14, 6:44 PM**

What was the calc homework? I didn’t get to write it down

_problem sets 4,5,6, and 9  
calc’s been killing me lately, doubt i’ll get above a 3 on the exam_

Ugh same

_fuck off, we both know you’ll get a 5  
smarty pants_

\--------------

**Wed, Jan 16, 5:11 PM**

_you going to junior/senior?_

Yup

Kind of have to as class president

And I’m on the committee so

_you going with anyone?_

Not that it’s any of your business, but no

_wait no one asked you??_

No Harry, no one asked me

I’m just going with some friends

_you’re serious, no one asked you?_

Fuck you

_i didn’t mean it like that  
i’m just really surprised no one did i guess  
their loss_

\--------------

**Fri, Jan 18, 7:47 PM**

_you look pretty_

You do too, I guess…

_i look pretty??_

Your suit is a nice cut

_your dress is a nice cut  
and i like the black_

Just don’t spill any punch on it this time

And you’re lucky I didn’t rat on you for your breathalyzer trick, think I finally figured it out

_me? intoxicated at a school dance? no ma’am_

Just be careful, okay?

_only if you save me a dance?_

You know we can’t do that

\--------------

**Thu, Jan 24, 7:23 AM**

_your coat makes you look like a marshmallow_

I’m sorry and when is the arctic expedition you’re going on in that thing??

_it’s very warm_

So is mine and it didn’t cost $900, asshole

Also it’s 20 degrees out and you’re wearing boat shoes???

_it’s my uniform, pressman  
deal with it_

You still look like an idiot

_at least i don’t look like a marshmallow_

\--------------

**Tue, Jan 29, 3:05 PM**

_mrs. drennan is looking for you, wants to go over rehearsal times for the play_

Yes, sorry! I’ll be there in five, just wrapping up a student council thing

_no big_

\--------------

**Wed, Jan 30, 7:26 AM**

_do you think helena knows no one gives a shit about these national honor’s society meetings anymore??_

HA I’m just here for the gold tassel at graduation

_do you think she’d get pissed if i just left?  
fuck i wish i got a coffee_

You’ll be fine, only 3 more minutes

_you think i can last that long??_

I know you can

_and good morning to you too cassandra_

\--------------

**Tue, Feb 5, 1:17 PM**

_clamming up during a socratic seminar??? you feeling alright pressman??_

Your concern is touching, truly

_i had so many good points and you didn’t take the bait on any of them_

Just wasn’t in the mood, I guess

_hmmmmmm you’re never not in the mood  
unless...  
did you not read it??_

What? No I definitely read it

_let me rephrase, did you finish?  
the book_

_Heart of Darkness_ sucks okay?

It’s boring and stupid and I didn’t like it so I watched the _Bachelor_ instead of finishing it last night

_you know, i would’ve been happy to go over some of the finer plot points with you  
i know some one on one instruction has proved beneficial in your case in the past_

You’re too good to me, but alas the time has passed

_lame_

\--------------

**Thu, Feb 7, 7:48 PM**

I meant to ask you in rehearsal today, but how’re you doing?

Well you and Kennedy and your mom?

_fine, it’s just different i guess  
my mom is my mom, so there’s that  
but ken’s been a bit down lately_

Maybe I’ll text her

_she’d like that  
and thanks  
for asking about me and worrying about me_

I think I’m always going to worry about you

\--------------

**Tue, Feb 12, 1:53 PM**

_what’s up with you and gordie?_

What do you mean?

_kid’s practically obsessed with you, he was talking about you the other day in chem and now in euro  
it’s fucking annoying the two of you whispering_

What did he say in chem?

And we’re working on the euro project together, which you should be doing instead of texting me right now

_the usual, you’re smart and pretty_

Well we’re just friends

_like we are?_

Don’t be an ass

_i’m not, just stating a fact_

No, I literally never know where I stand with you

Like sometimes you’ll act completely normal around me and we’re almost friends and then some days it’s like you go out of your way to antagonize me and belittle me

You’re so frustrating

_but i know exactly how easy it is to get you...frustrated_

Oh my god this is exactly what I mean

_just the right amount of attention to the right spot, like right by your scar or behind your ear  
the inside of your thigh right by that birthmark…_

Harry…

We’re in class

_i can see you blushing from here  
wonder if gordie thinks you’re like this for him?  
bet he wouldn’t even know what to do with you  
flustered, shifting in your seat, touching your neck_

Harry…

_atta girl  
you know, you always text me ‘harry…’ when you don’t quite know what to say  
it’s like you want me to stop  
but you never say it, you never say stop_

Don’t you have a project to finish?

_i’ll finish at home_

I know what you’re trying to do

_let me know if gordie isn’t able to finish you  
oops sent too early *yours with you_

Harry…

_you know i’m always keen to help you out_

Why do you always text me stuff like this in euro?

_stuff like what?_

Don’t be an ass, you know what I mean

_come on sweetheart  
you know i’m not even saying what i really want  
alright fine  
it’s the only class where i can see you and you can see me, so i can see your reaction whenever i text you  
and you always have a reaction  
we either sit in front of or behind each other in every other class  
i’m just observant_

Kelly doesn’t take euro either

_we only have two classes together if you must know  
calc and chem, she has williams for lit and french when we have spanish and chorus when we have euro  
i know her schedule, she is my girlfriend after all_

I know that

Nice to see you do too

_see you in debate_

I’m skipping today, I have a doctor appointment

_pity, was really looking forward to discussing if ncaa athletes should be paid by their universities with you, but alas another day i suppose_

Some other time then

\--------------

**Fri, Feb 22, 10:45 AM**

_you have a run in your tights  
back of your right thigh by that birthmark i used to like so much  
potential dress code violation??  
just thought little miss perfect should know_

**12:05 PM**

_and the tights are gone...  
‘thank you harry’ ‘oh you’re welcome cassandra’ _

Dear Harry James Bingham

Thank you so much for telling me I had a run in my tights. I don’t know what I would have done without your fastidious attention to the state of my hosiery, which no doubt stemmed from your thorough monitoring of my ass in the hallways

Yours sincerely, Cassandra Marie Pressman

_cassandra marie  
you are most welcome. always happy to help out a fellow classmate, especially one with such a lovely ass  
affectionately yours, harry james bingham  
ps i hope you don’t catch a chill due to your lack of ‘hosiery,’ i’ve been told it’s a bit nippy in the english hallway_

\--------------

**Wed, Feb 27, 11:18 AM**

You okay?

_fine_

You look tired

_i am tired_

Have you been sleeping okay?

_yup_

Okay

Just text me if you need anything I guess

**10:43 PM**

_i miss my dad a lot  
i know it’s dumb, it’ll be four months next week  
and i should be over it  
but i’m not_

It’s not dumb. Everyone reacts differently to things like that

I think you’re always going to miss him Harry

_sometimes it’s like my mom pretends like he didn’t even exist_

That’s fucked

What does Kennedy say?

_she thinks my mom is seeing someone_

What? Oh my god, I’m so sorry

What do you think?

_i mean maybe? like i knew they wanted to get a divorce  
but it’s still weird  
and i was always happy she didn’t come down much last summer, but looking back it’s kind of weird isn’t it? like my dad was pretty sick and we didn’t know how long he had. you’d think she would want to spend as much time with him as possible  
and like west ham isn’t exactly a thriving metropolis that it requires her to work so late, so why is she always having dinner meetings and coming home late??_

I’m sorry

I don’t know what else to say besides keep an eye on her? And maybe you and Ken can say something if you have proof? I don’t think it would be a good idea to confront her unless you’re really sure

You can always walk it through with me if you want

_okay yeah, thanks  
i just feel like shit and as always she just made it worse_

Well good luck on the calc quiz tomorrow

_that actually made me laugh out loud  
you’re such a nerd_

Happy to have been of service, see you tomorrow

_see ya_

\--------------

**Mon, Mar 4, 7:25 AM**

_happy birthday!_

Thanks!

_have any plans?  
buying scratchers? cigs? pot?  
seriously, what’d you get? 18 is a big one_

We’re actually going to Italy this June for like a combination graduation/birthday present. My grandparents came over this weekend for dinner and my dad told everyone

_what?? that’ll be so nice  
italy’s great, where are you guys going?_

Rome, Venice, and Florence

I’ve never been to Europe

_you’ll love it, seriously. i’m jealous  
i can send you some recommendations if you want? it was my dad’s favorite_

Really? That would be awesome, thanks!

 _no problem, see you in spanish_

\--------------

**Thu, Mar 7, 11:46 AM**

_have you done the stranger reading yet???_

Yeah, why?

_heard we have a reading quiz_

Noooooo

Okay so I kind of skimmed it…

_well i didn’t read it at all, you want to meet up with me and grizz during lunch? we’re in the library_

Oh my god yes

Helena and I were just talking about it

We’ll meet you guys in 5

_sounds good_

\--------------

**Fri, Mar 8, 6:23 PM**

_ken saw my mom get in some guy’s car this afternoon_

Shit, did she get a good look at the guy? Or the car?

_no she fucking blew it, i’m pissed  
all she said was it was silver and ‘small’  
like half the fucking town doesn’t drive small silver cars_

Don’t be mad at Ken, it’s not her fault. She was probably freaked out

_so it’s my fault?_

It’s not anyone’s fault. She was probably just really thrown by it and didn’t think to notice the car make and model and year

_you know i texted you because i thought you’d be on my side, not to get a fucking lecture_

I’m not lecturing you

Harry?

**9:19 PM**

I wasn’t lecturing you, okay?

\--------------

**Sat, Mar 9, 12:47 AM**

Come outside

_what?????  
where are you_

I’m at Campbell’s in the driveway

Grizz texted me, said you were asking for me

_come inside  
have a drinkkk_

No, come outside

I’m taking you home

_bossyyyyyy  
thought you liked it when i told you what to do  
don’t think kelly will like this  
me going home with another girl  
especially youuu  
but we don’t have to tell her_

Harry…

_ooooooo i got a harry…  
means you’re in a mooddd  
i’ll start what’re u wearing???  
u never tell me but it’s worth a shot_

Just come outside

I really don’t want to come in

_oh hot, i’ll be right there then_

You know what I meant, please just come outside

_fine but i want food  
dairy queen????_

It’s too late, we’ll go to McDonalds or something

Hurry up, my parents are gonna freak if they find out I’m not in bed and that I took the car

_yes ma’am  
cuming sweetheart_

I see you, why don’t you have a coat on???

You can stop shouting, it’s the navy Volvo

**10:19 AM**

_sorry again about last night  
i don’t know why grizz called you_

You have to sort your shit out Harry

_i really don’t care cassandra_

I’m worried about you

_don’t think you get to be worried about me anymore sweetheart  
pretty sure you’ve always been real fucking clear about that part of our ‘relationship’  
frankly shocked you didn’t just leave me out in the driveway  
oh wait no, that’s not your mo  
you normally ditch people on the beach, soooo sorry about that oversight  
kindly, fuck off_

Fuck you

I didn’t have to come and get you last night but I did because I still care about you for some stupid fucking reason. You scared the shit out of me last night and I worried about you for hours afterward and was this close to staying over because you were that fucked up. So you don’t get to say I don’t “get to be worried about you” anymore. Next time you want to get drunk and high out of your fucking mind, don’t ask for me if you’re going to belittle me the next day for giving a shit about you Harry

Just don’t fucking text me, okay??

\--------------

**Mon, Mar 18, 10:23 PM**

_hey  
so i’m going to therapy now  
and i thought you might want to know  
no wait please ignore that seriously  
i don't know why i thought you’d want to know  
especially since you don’t want me to text you  
fuck sorry_

Hey

No I do, I think that’s really good Har

Seriously I’m proud of you

Wait that sounded stupid

But that’s really good

_it’s kind of weird to be honest, but kennedy really wanted me to go  
she goes too, has since december  
shit i probably shouldn’t have said that_

I won’t say anything

_you ever been?  
to therapy?_

I haven’t, but feel like everyone should probably go eventually

_it’s exhausting, feels like i ran a marathon  
and i’ve only gone once_

It’ll be good Har, seriously. That’s a huge step and really important

_i also kind of finally went for you, i guess  
i mean because of you  
and because of that night last week  
i shouldn’t have been so mean to you the next morning and that night, there’s nothing wrong with you worrying about me. i was just mad you saw me like that and i was angry and hungover and i kind of like that you still worry about me and i know that isn’t really fair, but it’s true and i’m sorry i scared you. i hated not talking to you these past few days  
i still care about you a lot too for what it’s worth_

**10:49 PM**

No, it’s okay. And I’m sorry too. I really missed you this week

Night Harry

_okay, night cass_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so please let me know if there are any entries you feel deserve the one shot treatment! i’m already looking at the november 7 and december 4 ones, but am super open to more. the one shots will be posted first and then i’ll do the final round of texts, which run up to the start of the show


	2. it’s hard to be anywhere these days [when all i want is you]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so here's the first of our one shots. i knew when i started this that i wanted to do something about when harry's dad passes away. and since cassandra really got to know mr. bingham at the cape, this moment between her and harry really carries so much weight and heart and love. harry's psyche and mental state for the rest of this fic (and even when they're going to be in new ham) are so tied up into his dad's passing that i wanted to give it and him it's due. almost named this chapter after a line from 'marjorie' but i'm still on a folklore kick, so ‘this is me trying' more than suffices.
> 
> and thanks for all the lovely comments, feedback, and kudos here and on twitter! let me know what you think about this one too 
> 
> x jordan

_**it’s hard to be anywhere these days [when all i want is you]** _

**Wed, Nov 7, 3:47 PM**

_can you come over?_

_What’s wrong?_

_Are you okay? You weren’t at school_

_please cass  
i need you_

_You’re scaring me_

_Harry??_

_cassandra please  
i don’t want to tell you over the phone  
i wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important  
i’m just really scared and all alone and i need you_

_Okay I’ll be there soon, just give me like 10 minutes_

_just come right up_

\--------------

She had been waiting for the text for awhile now. Or maybe she had been dreading the text for a while now.

It was his dad. It had to have been. Cassandra had welcomed Harry’s refusal to text the words _my dad died_. Writing them made it real. It would’ve been too painful of a reminder of what had happened every subsequent time they texted each other. One of them would pull up the message thread and _see it_ and back out and - Harry needed her. And Cassandra was still painfully in lo - _cared about_ Harry Bingham. 

Had for months now, despite her efforts to the contrary. Despite the fact that _she_ dumped _him_ that day in late August. And despite his current relationship with Kelly Aldrich. 

They were _something_. They were friends, sort of, and - Harry needed her. So she went. 

She had only been to his house a handful of times. She knew where it was - everyone knew where it was. There had been a few birthday parties back when parents insisted on coed gatherings, in addition to a group project once or twice. But she had never been there alone and she had never been quite so nervous to be there. 

The house was dark and she would have thought no one was home had she not walked by Harry’s Maserati parked halfway up the driveway and half on the front lawn, like he didn’t care where he left it. And he probably didn’t.

No one answered the door when she rang the bell. She was getting cold standing on the front stoop and the sun was already going down at twenty after four. Should she just go inside? Harry had texted her to come right up, after all. 

She waited a few more seconds before ultimately trying the doorknob, which easily turned. 

“Harry?” she called out quietly as she closed the door behind her with a thud. 

It was warm inside, almost stuffy. Like no one had bothered to change the thermostat in a few days. And maybe the Binghams hadn’t. That was probably the least of their concerns, all things considered. 

A pair of boat shoes were left haphazardly at the foot of the stairs, along with what she assumed was Harry’s winter coat. She put her backpack down, off to the side of the door, and took her shoes off before resting Harry’s coat on the banister and placing hers on top of it. 

It was getting dark in the house, there weren’t any lights on, but she could still see down the hallway to the living room and the massive wall of french doors that led out to the patio. 

“Har? You alright?” 

She tiptoed down the hallway, sliding her socked feet along the hardwood floor as she peered into the dinning room, living room, and kitchen before doubling back to the foyer. Where was he? She was getting worried - he sounded so broken, so despondent on the phone even over text. 

There was a closed door near the stairs. For some reason she thought that was his dad’s office. Was he in there? It was weird that he hadn’t heard her knocking, though. Or maybe he was upstairs?

As she was turning away from the closed door, she glanced upstairs and suddenly saw him standing on the upper landing. He was wearing a simple navy t-shirt and a pair of dark grey sweatpants. His feet were bare and his hair was really messy - unkempt. But what really made her stop in her tracks for a moment was that even from the bottom of the stairs, she noticed how his eyes were all red and his face was blotchy. He had been crying. For a long time. 

Slowly, she started making her way up the stairs. “Hey,” she said quietly. 

“Hey.” He wiped his eye with the back of his fist. “You came.”

She nodded as she approached him. “Of course. Where’s your mom? And Ken?”

“At the hospital still, I just - I couldn’t be there anymore. So, I drove back around three. But I - I can’t - I don’t want to be alone, so I texted you and I really -”

“- No, it’s okay, Harry.” She rubbed her hand up and down his back before she leaned in to give him a hug. His response was delayed a bit, like he wasn’t expecting her to touch him. She hadn’t touched him - not like this - since that day on the beach. But then his arms wrapped around her tightly, like he didn’t want to let go. 

But a few moments later, his grip loosened and he did. They were still standing at the top of the stairs. “Do you want to go downstairs or -” 

He shook his head and wiped his eyes again quickly. “- N-no, I - I don’t - can we stay up here? Go to my room?”

“Yeah, of course.” He took her hand and led them down the long upstairs hallway, past one, two, three, four doors until they wound up in front of one that was partially cracked open. 

Besides being massive - seriously there was a couch and a pool table - Harry’s room was surprisingly neat. Grey walls, a plaid duvet cover, typical boy stuff. He had a queen sized bed and a desk and countless bookshelves stuffed with books, knick knacks, and trophies.

It was weird, Cassandra had never been in his room before. Well, maybe that wasn’t that weird, but it felt that way. She had never even been upstairs at the Binghams’ Cape house where she was a near constant fixture, so why would she have ever been in Harry’s room in West Ham? It wasn’t like they were -

It felt _intimate_ , like she was still intruding despite his very explicit invitation to enter. 

He put his back to the bed to face her, but avoided eye contact. It was just as well, she didn’t quite know what to do with herself. She tucked her hair behind her ears, if only for something to do with her hands. 

“Can you - can you just lay with me? I’m not really - I just want to sleep. And I always - you always make me feel -”

_Safe. Good. Loved._

“- Sure.”

He got in on the right hand side of the bed, but crawled over to the left, leaving her the right hand side. She idly recalled that they had slept that way last time. But this was different, obviously. Slowly, she made her way over to the bed and got comfortable laying on her back, so that her head was still propped up by the pillows, while Harry rolled onto his side, so that his back was facing her. They were both on top of the duvet. 

Everything smelled like him. Everything felt like him. Warm and comforting and - _Harry_. And she wanted to reach out and comfort him and hold him and tell him it was going to be okay, but she held back. At least for now. 

For a long time, they just laid there. Cassandra’s eyes had gotten used to the darkness and she spent her time looking around his room while he laid next to her. He had a lot of books and debate trophies lining his shelves, in addition to a couple of photos hanging on his walls. There was one of him and Kennedy when they were younger on his nightstand - it actually looked like they were at the Cape - along with one of just him and his dad - 

“- He went in this morning around seven,” his voice cut through the silence. 

It didn’t sound like him, like Harry. He sounded _young_. And scared. 

“We all thought it would be okay for a while, get his vitals up again or whatever, but then - he was asking my mom all these weird questions. Like about stuff that happened years ago and he - it was like he didn’t remember anything from the last few years. And my mom could tell it was upsetting Ken, so she sent us to get some food and then all the doctors came in and as we were heading out he told me _good luck on your game tomorrow_ \- and that - that was the last thing he said to me. Like he didn’t even know what was going on.

“He - he died at one fifty-three. And he didn’t look like my dad. He didn’t recognize any of us and his skin was so pale and he looked _scared_. Like he’s my _dad_ , he shouldn’t be scared. He’s always the one telling us it’s going to be okay, everything’s going to be fine and - I’ve had months to get used to this - _months_. But I just can’t believe he’s actually gone. And it’s only been like four hours, but I already miss him so much.”

She was glad he had his back to her at the moment, so he didn’t see how much she was crying. Because she had to be strong for him. This wasn’t about her. And about how much she would miss Mr. Bingham. Seeing him every time she went over to Harry’s Cape house. And remembering him joking around with Harry and Kennedy or how proud he looked watching Harry surf or hearing Kennedy talk about field hockey or sailing camp. Or even how welcoming he was to Cassandra every time she came over and definitely intruded on their limited family time that summer. 

Instead, she scooted closer to Harry and rested her right hand on his shoulder. He stiffened for a moment, before he relaxed against her. They were impossibly close to each other now - she had her chin resting on his shoulder and her right leg wrapped around his. She could feel him breathing - up and down, up and down, up and down. He smelled like his fancy shampoo and laundry detergent. And he felt warm and soft and - god, she wanted him to feel as safe with her right now as she always felt with him. As he always made her feel.

She couldn’t tell you how long they laid there. How long Harry cried - silently which was so much fucking worse - or how long she rubbed circles onto his shoulders with her thumbs or how long she ran her fingers through his hair. Eventually, he rolled over onto his other side so his head was resting on Cassandra’s chest. His tears stained her blouse and she had to stop herself from kissing his forehead. He may have fallen asleep for a bit, she wasn’t sure. All she knew was that the sun was still up in the sky when she got there just after four and it had long since set. 

“Harry?” she asked some time later. He hummed quietly. “I’m really sorry about your dad.”

It wasn’t enough. No amount of times she said sorry would ever make it _enough_. And for all the times he was going to hear people’s condolences in the coming days - weeks, months, _years_ \- she wanted hers to count. There were going to be so many times in the coming years when Harry would mention that his dad had passed away and people would offer up a perfunctory apology - _oh, I didn’t know, I’m sorry_ and then he would have to brush them off with a _that’s okay, it happened a long time ago_ \- that Cassandra wanted hers to matter. 

Because she loved this boy. She loved him. It was painfully obvious now. The way her heart felt like it was breaking for him when she first got his text. Or the way she literally dropped everything at home and gave her mom some ridiculous excuse about going to the library to work on a project because he needed her. Because _Harry_ needed her. And she would do anything for him. 

Because she hated that he was hurting and that he was going to have to carry this weight around with him for the rest of his life. For the rest of his life, he would have this piece missing. This integral part of him that he would never get back. But he had to know he wasn’t alone in it. 

“You know,” her voice came out a little thick - a little choked - at first, “I think you’re always going to miss your dad, but you’re not alone, okay? You have your mom and Kennedy and your grandparents and your friends and Kelly and - me. And all of those people love you and care about you. So much. And that’s what you have to focus on. All those people that love you and care about you and you know they cared about your dad, too.”

He didn’t say anything, he just burrowed his face further into her chest. She ran her hands through his hair. It felt soft and he hummed quietly. 

“You just have to take it one day at a time, okay? You’re not going to not miss him overnight, that wouldn’t be normal. Because your dad was a great guy, Harry. And you’re so much like him.” He sniffled. 

“You know,” she started, suddenly thinking of something, “he used to intimidate me a little.”

Harry tilted his head up just slightly to look her in the eye. “What?”

She smiled fondly, recalling the memory. “He was always so _professional_ and _important_ , like he was always on his cell phone or talking to the other dads using fancy finance words and he just seemed _important_. He worked in the _city_ and would wear suits to debate meets and our plays. 

“But he was always there and he always showed up for you and I always thought that was really nice, my dad didn’t even do that. Like he even picked us up from the dance in eighth grade and would bring snacks to debate for everyone. And then I got to know him this summer and - you’re so much like him, Harry.”

He slowly pried himself off her and sat up and leaned against the pillows to her left. “I don’t know about that…”

“No, it’s true.” She grabbed his hand and threaded their fingers together. Her eyes watered. “And that’s a really good thing, okay?”

He squeezed his eyes shut. They were even puffier than before. “Okay,” he said softly. 

“Have you eaten today?” He shook his head. “You want me to make you something?” 

“Okay,” he whispered finally. 

Remembering his comment from earlier, Cassandra asked: “You want me to run downstairs or -”

“- No,” he said clearly, “I’ll come with you.”

“Why don’t you wash up first and then we’ll go?” She felt slightly condescending - like she was talking to him like he was a five year old - and hoped he didn’t take offense. 

But he just nodded and wordlessly padded off towards the _en-suite_. The door shut soundly behind him and Cassandra set to work fixing his bed. They hadn’t laid underneath the covers, so she just smoothed out the duvet and fluffed the pillows. Once she was done, she fired off a quick text.

_Hey, just figured I would let you know I’m with your brother. He texted me to come over until you and your mom got home. I’m really sorry to hear about your dad. But you know I’m always here for you guys x_

Hopefully, Kennedy would text her when she was on her way home from the hospital. God, what was Cassandra going to say to her? To Mrs. Bingham? 

The bathroom door opened before she could think about it any further. Before he turned the light off, Cassandra caught a glimpse at Harry and was pleased to see that his hair looked freshly brushed and his face and eyes weren’t quite as puffy. And then he clicked the light off and they were bathed in darkness yet again. 

She wordlessly followed him downstairs. He only paused to turn on a couple lights, which helped make the house feel less cold and austere, and then they were in the kitchen. While Harry plopped himself rather dejectedly onto one of the barstools placed around the island, Cassandra stood awkwardly across from him. She crossed her arms over her chest. 

“So, what do you want to eat?” He shrugged. “Uhh how about a sandwich?” She walked over to the fridge and opened the doors to peer inside. Her cooking capabilities were fairly limited, but it looked like they had all the ingredients for - “Grilled cheese work?” 

All she got was a shrug, so she took it as a _yes_ and got out the bread, cheese, and mayonnaise from the fridge and then started digging through the kitchen cabinets around the stove for a frying pan.

“Bottom left,” he said quietly. “And the knives are in the first drawer on the right and the plates are over there.”

All the items were exactly where he said and she put the frying pan on the stove to heat it up while she laid out the slices of bread on a paper towel to put the mayo on them. All the while, Harry kept a watchful eye on her. 

“Can you use butter instead?”

Cassandra scrunched her nose, teasingly. “You can’t tell, it tastes exactly the same.”

“I can tell…” And then he smiled a little, like he knew he was bugging her, so she decided to humor him. 

“Fine, I’ll make mine with mayo and yours with butter and then we’ll see whose is better.”

He folded his arms on the counter and then rested his chin on the crook of his elbow, so he could watch her to make their feast. She set to work preparing the bread and cheese before going over to the stove and grilling the sandwiches. She finished Harry’s first, but refrained from giving it to him until hers was done so they could have the full taste test experience. 

Even with her back to him, she could still tell he was watching her. She had become intimately familiar with the sensation over the past few months, especially after they had gotten back from the Cape. The prickling of her skin when they would pass each other in the hallways or when they would argue in debate after school. It was like there was so much in the look - in the stare - that he couldn’t quite say to her face. Especially, not after he got back together with Kelly -

The final sandwich sizzled in the frying pan until it was ready and she brought both plates over to the island. 

“Can you cut it in triangles?” She bit back a smile, but did as he asked. He was like a little kid. Then she took all four slices and mixed them up, so they both got one slice from each sandwich. She was still confident he wouldn’t know which had the mayo and which had the butter. 

“Can you eat in your room?” 

He shook his head. “Mom doesn’t like us to.”

Her mom didn’t either. And they could only have plastic cups or water bottles upstairs. There was a whole issue with Allie dropping a glass when she was younger and the Pressmans finding shards of glass in the upstairs hallway for weeks afterwards - anyway.

“That’s okay, we can eat down here and then go back upstairs?” 

Harry nodded and then she slid onto the barstool next to his. They ate silently for the next few minutes and she was suddenly hyper aware of herself. Before, she had just been worried about Harry and wanted him to be comfortable and at ease and know someone was there for him. But now it was verging on something else. It spoke volumes that he called _her_ and that she came running to _him_ without a second thought. 

It felt weird to even think about it, but had he even called Kelly? Did she know? Did any of his friends know? Or was it just her? Because he knew she would get it and not ask too many questions and just _be there_ for him. 

Because she loved him. 

By the time they finished their dinner - much to his chagrin, Harry had not correctly guessed which of the halves had mayonnaise and which had butter - and put the dishes away in the dishwasher it was just after six thirty. Hopefully, Kennedy would text her back soon with an update. Cassandra didn’t want Harry to be alone, but she also didn’t know how much longer she could stay. Her parents would get suspicious if she wasn’t home by eight. 

They wordlessly left the kitchen to go back upstairs and were at the landing when Cassandra remembered her backpack leaning against the wall in the foyer and the sizable amount of homework she still had to do for tomorrow. She doubled back to pick up the bag to take with her just in case.

Going back upstairs felt even more deliberate and intimate this time. Should she get back on the bed with him? Or should she sit on the couch? Would they watch anything or talk? Or would Harry just try and sleep again? He had to have been exhausted, both physically and mentally. 

Once they were back in his room, he turned the lamp on his nightstand, which bathed the room in a soft glow, and got back into bed. 

“Do you want me to…” He just nodded and she crawled onto the bed again. “Okay.”

Harry rolled onto his side to face her, while she was on her back, propped up against the pillows she had dutifully fluffed earlier. 

“Tell me about school today,” he said quietly. 

She looked down at him. “Hmmm, what do you want to know? Not much happened, really.”

“I mean, obviously. It’s because I wasn’t there…” That made her smile. “I see you eyeing your backpack, I know you have a shit ton of homework.”

Yeah, but she wasn’t about to tell him that. “No, not really. I just wanted to bring it upstairs with me,” she finished unconvincingly. 

Harry sat up slightly. “Come on, Cass…”

“Fine,” she said lightly, “I do have some reading to do...”

“You can do it, I’m not gonna make you sit here with me in morbid silence. I’m just happy you came. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t come over.”

His confession made her blush and she reached down for his hand. He threaded their fingers together. “You know I’m always here for you, Harry. No matter what.”

He scooted back down onto the bed and laid on his side once more. Their feet knocked against each other’s. “Can you read to me?” he asked quietly. “I’ll probably have to know what’s going on eventually.”

She smiled. “Okay, we started the drama unit in Lit today. I might even do the different voices if you’re really good…”

He scoffed. “You must feel really bad for me then.”

“It’ll be good practice for the spring play,” she said, opting for a joke. 

Then she leaned over and dug through her backpack, looking for her copy of _The Importance of Being Earnest_. They had to finish act one for class tomorrow. Not that Harry would be going to class anytime soon or anything, but he asked so she would do this for him. 

They both got situated - Cassandra leaning back against the pillows, while Harry was pressed against her side so he could still see the book - and she began to read:

_ACT I_

_Algernon Moncrieff's Flat in Half-Moon Street  
Morning-room in Algernon's flat in Half-Moon Street. The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished. The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room._

_LANE is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, ALGERNON enter_

_ALGERNON: Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?_

_LANE: I didn't think it polite to listen, sir...._

Eventually, after they had gotten about halfway through act one, Harry drifted off to sleep and Cassandra just read on her own, silently, for the next half an hour or so. 

It was around seven forty five when she heard movement downstairs. A couple doors opened, a couple doors closed. It must have been his mom and Kennedy. Cassandra looked at the time on her phone - just before eight - and saw she had gotten a text from Kennedy twenty minutes ago saying her and her mom would be home around eight o’clock. She should probably head out. At least now he wouldn’t be alone. 

Harry was still sleeping, cuddled up against her side, so she slowly pulled away from him and slid out of the bed. He really was so beautiful and she couldn’t believe that she had him, for however brief the time. But he was going to be in so much pain these next few weeks and - he needed her. He needed Cassandra as a friend and that’s what she would be. She would take Harry in whatever capacity she could get him. Because she loved him and that meant putting his needs over her own at the moment. Her eyes watered and he chose that moment to wake up. 

He looked surprised to see her standing over him for a moment, but then he let out a pleased sigh. “Where’re you going?”

She sat on the edge of the bed. “I gotta go home, my parents are probably wondering where I am.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“But, your mom and Kennedy just got home, so I imagine they’ll come and check in on you soon.” He just nodded. “Right, so I’m gonna head out. But I want you to text me if you need anything, okay?”

He nodded slowly. “Okay.”

He looked scared and sad - so fucking sad - that Cassandra could be excused for what she did next. Before she could even process what she was doing, she leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead. As she pulled away, she brushed his hair back and he closed his eyes for a moment. 

“So uhh - I’ll text you when I get home.” She stood up and avoided eye contact. “But please text me if you need anything, seriously.”

“Okay,” his voice came out rough, “and thanks again, Cass.”

She smiled sadly. “Of course, you know I’d do anything for you, Har. Goodnight.”

“Night, sweetheart.”

\--------------

**8:17 PM**

_Just got home, text me tomorrow, okay? Or if you need anything_

**10:49 PM**

_okay_


	3. you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyy merry christmas, happy boxing day and all that. here is the long awaited december 4th chapter, which was honestly _such_ a blast to write. definitely had to recall a couple of repressed high school memories for this one. next chapter will be the much requested cassandra and kennedy dinner/movie date - what could they _possibly_ talk about?? so thanks for reading/commenting and let me know what you think! x jordan

_**you taught me a secret language i can’t speak with anyone else** _

**Tue, Dec 4, 1:53 PM**

_Stop staring at me_

_stop doing things that make me stare at you  
also texting in class?? tsk tsk miss pressman…_

_Mr. Klein never cares_

_And we only have like 20 minutes left anyway_

_What am I doing to make you stare at me?_

_hmmmm just that i know exactly what you’re wearing under that shirt, could see the faintest cranberry colored outline of something when we were leaving lit earlier…  
funny, we were just talking about it on friday night and here it is  
oh are you warm, sweetheart? i can ask to crack open a window if you want?_

_No_

_interesting, you’re all flushed  
almost the same color as something else…_

_Finish your worksheet_

_i already finished  
do you still need to finish?_

_Harry…_

_let me know if you need my help finishing_

**2:15 PM**

_well someone’s in a hurry to get out of class  
you do know i’m going see you at debate in like 10 minutes right?_

_Fuck off_

_looking forward to debating election reform with you  
so many interesting points i’m keen to discuss_

\--------------

Cassandra had deliberately worn _the bra_ today. She could admit that - at least to herself. Granted, she had not meant for Harry to notice she was wearing it, but she _had_ worn it on purpose. 

It was a subtle _fuck you_ to him after the texts he sent her Friday night. How could he text her stuff like _that_ \- vulgar and crass and god, _so fucking hot_ \- just because his girlfriend was out of town for the weekend and he was lonely? No - fuck that and fuck him.

So, yes - Cassandra had worn the infamous cranberry colored lace bra to school that day. And she had had a little pep in her step all day with the knowledge that she was wearing something so pretty and girly and _different_ underneath her pink floral top and no one knew. 

Until she had been packing up her stuff in Lit.

There had been a quiz planned during the first half of Euro next period and she had wanted to make sure she had enough time to review her notes for a few minutes before class started. So, as she had been rushing out of class, simultaneously trying to cram her Lit textbook into her backpack and juggling her water bottle and notes from last night’s Euro reading, her backpack strap had slipped and slightly pulled down on her shirt. Which had unfortunately exposed her shoulder and lace bra strap for a moment. Just for a moment. Honestly, it couldn’t have been more than ten seconds. 

But it had been enough. More than enough if the smirk Harry had sent her way had been any indication. Their eyes had locked across his desk as she had fixed her shirt and her heart skipped a beat. She had averted her eyes, like she had been the one caught doing something wrong, and had briskly made her way out of the classroom. But the damage had been done. 

Unfortunately, they had been going to the same place, so she had felt his eyes burning into the back of her head as she had walked in front of him and Grizz on the way to Euro. 

And then the next forty five minutes had passed by agonizingly slow and she knew she definitely hadn’t given the quiz as much attention as she normally would have. But she had been distracted and kept thinking about the look Harry had sent her earlier, coupled with the texts he had sent her on Friday:

_literally nothing will beat the cranberry colored bra from that first night_

_except maybe the lack of one that other night_

_kind of like that i’m the only guy who knows what you look like when you come_

Cassandra had visibly shaken herself. Then, seemingly done with teaching for the day - even though all he did was give them a quiz - Mr. Klein had passed out a worksheet and instructed everyone to work amongst themselves or in small groups for the rest of the class period. But it had been practically impossible finishing her worksheet with the way she had felt Harry’s eyes on her. 

So, she had texted him. And then he had texted her _back_ and gotten her all flustered and - god, she had practically ran out of the classroom like a bat out of hell. 

Until she had felt her phone vibrate again and he had reminded her that they had debate practice together after school. 

So, now she was sitting in the back corner of Mrs. Peters’ classroom, praying that the floor would swallow her up whole, if only so she didn’t have to talk to Harry for the next forty five minutes. 

She could do this. She just had to get through debate practice. That was it. Then she could go home and run upstairs and change out of this stupid fucking bra. Maybe she’d burn it? (She wouldn’t.)

Because what had she been thinking? And what did she think was going to happen? 

What did she _want_ to happen? Honestly. Because that was the real question. She sighed, which gained the attention of the girl sitting next to her. 

“You seem _jumpy_ …” Vivian Fitzgerald, a sophomore, said from a couple chairs over. 

Cassandra liked Vivian. She was her alternate in debate this year and always helped out with research. Plus, she did the best impressions of the other teams after the meets. In fact, Cassandra thought she would be a great club president or vice president when she was an upperclassman. 

But she was perceptive. Almost annoyingly so. 

Cassandra turned in her chair to face the younger girl. No one was paying them any attention, it seemed like everyone was either paired off or part of the group chatting with Mrs. Peters, Harry being among the latter. Not that she had been watching him and staring at his stupid face and messy hair. Why did he have to text her-

She remembered Vivian had asked her a question and her delayed response probably wasn’t helping her case. 

“Jumpy?”

“Alright, maybe not _jumpy_ ,” Vivian conceded, “But you’re being weird, like you’re tense and calm at the same time and we’ve been here since two thirty and you haven’t asked me to go over anything with you.”

“You haven’t offered either,” Cassandra returned wryly. 

Vivian gestured to the textbooks in front of her. “I have a chemistry test tomorrow and I still haven’t figured out how to balance equations.”

Cassandra craned her neck to look over at Vivian’s textbook and study guide. “I’d offer to help, but I was shit at chem.”

Vivian scoffed. “And by _shit_ you mean you got an _A-_ instead of an _A_ …”

True - she had actually just barely scraped by with a ninety after copious amounts of extra credit.

Cassandra sighed and rested her forearms on her desk. “Fine, you want to run through this quick?”

“I guess. Looks like Harry isn’t doing anything now either…”

They both looked over towards Mrs. Peters’ desk where Harry was currently holding court for some sophomore and junior girls. Mrs. Peters, who had always had a soft spot for him, was clearly encouraging this, seemingly oblivious to the fact that they were over half an hour into practice and only about half the team was doing anything productive. 

Granted, Cassandra was glad to see Harry was somewhat back to his normal self - if you could call it that. But the change seemed so abrupt. Like not even a week ago, he had been texting her about some weird dream he had had about her and then everything with his dad and her helping him get caught up with his schoolwork again. 

Had it really almost been a month since she had gone to his house that afternoon? And held him as he cried and cut his sandwich into triangles because he asked? 

But now, Harry was out partying on the weekends - at Campbell’s house no less - and basically sending her a _you up_ text at midnight and talking about last summer like he didn’t have a girlfriend - who was a very nice person, she might add. 

So, yeah. Fuck Harry and his stupid face right now. 

_i already finished_

_do you still need to finish?_

_let me know if you need my help finishing_

Why should Cassandra be the one avoiding him? He was the one who had crossed the line - twice in the last week. And yeah, he was still grieving and people processed their grief differently, but it was almost cruel the way he had been toying with her lately. She was worried about him, she still cared about him, she still -

_i still think about the way your back arched off the bed as my mouth touched your cunt for the first time -_

“- Harry!” Cassandra snapped suddenly, surprising both herself and Harry, as well as half the debate team. 

He turned around slowly and she sat up straight in her chair. “Yeah?”

“You wanna practice anytime soon?”

“Didn’t know you were ready for me?” he said, his voice heavy with an innuendo only Cassandra picked up on. 

She looked at him challengingly and tried not to blush. “I’ve been ready for awhile now. Just sitting here, waiting for you.”

“Fine.” He hopped off the desk he was sitting on and walked over towards where Cassandra and Vivian were sitting. “Let’s go then.”

Once he made his way over, he sat down on a desk a row over from Cassandra, but right behind Vivian. 

“Hey, Viv,” he said. 

“Harry,” she returned. It always pleased Cassandra that of the two of them, Vivian seemed to like her better. 

“What do we have here?” He leaned over to get a glimpse at the younger girl’s notes and textbook. “Oh, I loved balancing equations. I actually got an _A_ in chem sophomore year, so I’d be happy to help you out if you’re having trouble...”

Vivian smiled sweetly. “You know, you’d really help me out if you got the fuck on with this so I can go home soon.”

“Don’t say I didn’t offer...” He held his hands up in surrender and turned to Cassandra. “So, you’re ready for me?”

Today’s topic was election reform, more specifically term limits in congress. They had a debate meet at Greenwich High next week and since Harry and Cassandra were the best debaters in the club - and vice president and president, respectively - they were always paired together in practice. Cassandra was pro term limits, while Harry was, of course, against them. 

In preparation, Cassandra slid out of her desk, while Harry stayed seated on top of his. She always liked to be standing; it helped her project her voice better and she felt it gave her more control over the situation. Before she started, she gave Harry a cursory once over. 

Unfortunately, he looked even more attractive than usual today. He had on a pair of navy pants that would’ve looked nerdy on anyone else but him, which were, of course, cuffed slightly. He paired them with a striped button down and rolled the sleeves midway up his forearms. 

And his hair looked messy, like he had been running his hands through it all day. Cassandra liked to think she wouldn’t normally have noticed all this and tried to chalk it up to being _flustered_ from the texts he sent her earlier, but that would’ve been a lie. 

She always noticed him. 

And sometimes she liked to pretend that he always noticed her. Even though he probably didn’t.

Vivian kicked things off and read the prompt with little enthusiasm before going back to her chemistry study guide and then Cassandra and Harry were off. They followed the normal structure - affirmative construction then a cross examination and then the inverse - but they eventually got off the typical CDA format as time wore on. Harry was currently laying into her previous argument:

“- In fact, you could argue that legislators attracted to serve after term limits are more, not less politically ambitious than those in their first few terms. To limit legislators to just six terms could prove detrimental to their constituents in the long run. Change can’t happen over the course of - oh, let’s say three months, can it?”

It was a pointed comment. And a dickish one at that. Cassandra scoffed and it had a little more attitude behind it then she ever would have included had they actually been in competition. 

“No one is suggesting that legislators be limited to serving just three months.”

Harry leaned forward in his chair and folded his arms across his knees. “My apologies, how long does one need then? Three weeks? Three days -”

“- Three minutes?”

“Works for some people.” He smirked. 

Cassandra rolled her eyes. For the record, they had both lasted more than three minutes. Both times. 

“Maybe the legislators don’t always know what they’re getting into? A potential, albeit unofficial, life appointment is a weighty responsibility for anyone. To have a definitive cap on their position could be a great incentive to get more done and ultimately usher in a more diverse legislative body.”

He opened his mouth to speak again, but she didn’t give him the chance, still pissed about his three months comment. 

“Plus, it’s also cost effective and can even prevent special interest groups from interfering in elections. In Michael Hershberg’s March 2018 article for the _Brookings Institute_ -”

“- Oh my god - you’re not seriously referencing the Hershberg _Brookings_ piece right now?” He looked almost pleased, which worried her. 

Cassandra frowned. “What? It’s a great article. Hershberg _clearly_ states that the creation of term limits would counter incumbency advantage, reduce time members spend fundraising and -”

“- Yes, but you _clearly_ only read the first half of the article. Hershberg then goes on to explain that the creation of term limits only placates voters in the short term. They ultimately fail to address constituent concerns and prevent elected officials from forming strong working relationships with their fellow lawmakers.”

Her mouth gaped open in shock and Harry took the opportunity to double down. “Come on, Viv. Back me up here?” 

Cassandra was idly aware that they were attracting an audience - Vivian chiefly among them - and of the fact that she had not read the entire Hershberg article, so it was entirely possible that Harry was, in fact, correct. 

Vivian cleared her throat. “Err yeah, Harry’s right,” she begrudgingly admitted. 

This pleased him to no end. “There’s only one true term limit for members of congress: elections. If you’re unsatisfied, vote. Having an engaged electorate is the most comprehensive way to ensure accountability in congress and have your voice heard. Change starts at home.”

As he finished, Cassandra could have sworn she heard someone clapping in the background, which was _totally_ unnecessary. 

“You did that on purpose,” she hissed once everyone went back to work. 

Harry looked almost bored as he responded. “Did what?”

“You goaded me into referencing that article.”

“No, I clearly found a gaping hole in your argument. Had we not _practiced_ , you would’ve fucked us all over at the meet next week.”

Oh, now she was just pissed off. And something else. Her cheeks flushed and she took a step closer to him. It bugged her that he was still sitting down. She wanted him to be as bothered as she was. To be right up in front of her, chest heaving, pupils dilated - 

“- I would not have, you just wanted me to look bad on purpose. You’ve been trying to get back at me all afternoon for -”

“- Oh, give me a break, Cassandra,” he said her name with added emphasis on the second A and slid off the desk so they were practically toe to toe. “That has nothing to do with this, you just can’t accept that you were wrong about -”

“- Oh, fuck you,” she said a little louder than she had intended, especially considering that they were literally in the middle of a classroom. 

“- Excuse me!” Both Cassandra and Harry blanched once they heard Mrs. Peters’ voice. 

Granted, Mrs. Peters was the stereotypical cool English teacher, but she was still a teacher and Cassandra had never lost her cool in front of a teacher like this before, to say nothing of the other kids in the classroom watching in awe. 

“You two, out!” She must have been properly pissed because she held her hand up, silencing Harry’s protests before he could even get a word out. “Take a lap, I don’t care where you go, just go - now!”

Cassandra and Harry exchanged a glance before ducking their heads and shuffling out of the classroom. In a surprising show of chivalry, Harry held the door open for her and then they were alone in the hallway. 

They walked in silence for a few moments, just to get away from Mrs. Peters’ classroom. Until Harry stepped in front of her and stopped them both in their tracks. 

“What the fuck is up with you?”

“With me? What’s up with _you_? Why are you being so - _hostile_ towards me?”

He scoffed and leaned against the set of lockers to her right. “Hostile? I wasn’t being hostile, you were just losing the argument and couldn't admit you were wrong - which I guess isn’t anything new…”

“I’m not just talking about this.” She gestured towards Mrs. Peters’ closed classroom door further down the hall. “You’ve been driving me crazy lately. Like I don’t know what’s going on with you. One minute, you’re Harry - _my Harry_ \- and we can talk about school and normal stuff and then you’ll turn around and - you’ll turn into this _asshole_ that texts me late at night and during class about _stuff like that_ ,” she whispered the last part, not wanting anyone to overhear. 

Harry pushed himself off the lockers and stood right in front of her. “Thought you liked when I did that? At least you did this summer…”

She had. That was the problem. Especially since the butterflies she always got whenever he texted her abated the second she remembered he had a girlfriend.

“That’s not the point. You shouldn’t text me stuff like that anymore. It’s not fair. But I miss you, Har. I miss the old us. Being friends and everything and I just - I don’t like fighting, not like this.”

Her cheeks flushed and she broke eye contact. But Harry only took a step closer. He looked over her shoulder, probably to see if anyone was around them. 

“Come on.” He placed his hand on her lower back and guided her into a classroom to their right. 

Thankfully, Mr. Schwartz’s classroom was empty at quarter after three. Cassandra hadn’t been in there since honors english freshman year. Her and Harry had been in the same class and she recalled a socratic seminar where they had discussed the moral implications of reading _Gone With the Wind_ in the modern era. While Cassandra had thought it was important to read the novel through a critical historic lense, Harry had thought it was a stupid, racist book. 

But now the classroom was empty. 

Harry closed the door behind them and Cassandra sat on top of one of the desks, similar to how Harry was sitting earlier. Her legs dangled off the edge and her shoes just barely touched the floor. 

“I should probably apologize.” He slowly made his way towards her. “I shouldn’t have texted you that during class -”

“- And on Friday night,” she returned. 

He rolled his eyes. “And on Friday night. But I miss you, too, Cass. I’ve just felt a bit off lately, like I don’t really know what I’m doing, I guess. Everything’s so - weird and I feel like I’m just going through the motions and everything.”

“That’s not weird, that’s normal,” she said kindly. “You’ve got a lot going on.”

Harry sighed. “Yeah, but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, any of it. So, I’m sorry.”

She nodded and then briefly looked down at her hands nestled in her lap. “Apology accepted.”

He smiled at her, just slightly, and then shuffled around the classroom, idly weaving through the rows of desks to make his way up to the board. The silence was almost uneasy or awkward, like Harry had apologized and they reached a sort of truce, but it felt like there was still so much to be said. And then, like he read her mind, he spun around on his heels and slowly started making his way towards her again. 

“But come on, Cass,” he said, “There’s only one reason you wore _that_ today of all days. Because that’s really what started all this.” 

She rolled her eyes. “Surprisingly, I don’t pick out my clothes with you in mind, Harry.”

His eyes darkened and he took two steps closer to her. “But we were _just_ talking about it the other night and now you’re wearing it? On a day when you _know_ I see you during and after school? And with a shirt that’s _just_ the slightest bit sheer? Bit suspicious…”

“Seriously, Harry?” But it lacked any bite or conviction. Probably because his statement was true, even though she would never admit it to him. 

“You know, I’ve been thinking about you since Friday night.”

She swallowed thickly and felt a flush creeping up her neck. “Oh?”

“Mmmhmmm, pretty much nonstop. In fact, I went home that night and thought about you _a lot_.” He was right in front of her now. “And did you?”

“Did I what?” Her voice came out raspy and she felt her stomach tighten. 

“Did you think about me?”

“Harry…” she chastised, but it came out almost like a whine. And not because she hadn’t - because she _had_. But because she shouldn’t be feeding into this _insanity_ , no matter how much she wanted to. 

He leaned down so he was in her eye line. She wanted to reach up and brush away the curl that had fallen onto his forehead, but she forced her hands to stay firmly in her lap. 

“- I thought about those nights on the Cape,” his voice sent a shiver down her spine, “How nervous you were, like you had no idea how everything you did was so perfect. And you were so shy and eager and - god, Cass -”

And then he leaned in and kissed her for the first time in over three months and it was like they had never stopped. Harry’s mouth moulded over hers and he brought his hands down to her ass to pull her closer to him. She spread her legs so he could step between them and then slid her arms around his neck. 

“Tell me to stop and I’ll stop.” She didn’t want him to stop, so she said nothing. Pleased, he hummed and started kissing her neck. “You always smell so pretty. Everything about you is so pretty, sweetheart.” His lips ghosted her ear lobe and she forgot how to breath for a moment. 

She wished they weren’t in a random classroom at school. That they were in his car or in her bed, his bed - anywhere else. She wished she wasn’t wearing jeans and that she had on a skirt or a dress on instead. And that her underwear matched the bra Harry was so appreciative of. 

All so he could kneel down in front of her and press fervent kisses up and down her legs until his lips found purchase between her thighs. She had never quite managed to replicate the feeling of him going down on her that night in Chatham. She didn’t think she ever would. 

His hands slipped underneath her shirt and slowly inched their way towards her bra. Her arms erupted with goosebumps once his fingers ghosted over the lace and he cupped her breasts tenderly. The lace was so thin that he could definitely tell how her body was responding to his touch. She moaned and popped open one of the buttons on his shirt and started kissing his chest, collarbone, neck - anywhere she could access. 

“- Fuck, Cass,” he stuttered out. “All I could think about when we were arguing just now was that you were wearing _this_. And that I’m the only guy who’s seen it before. God - and how your cheeks were flushed and you looked so fucking pretty telling me to _fuck off_ ,” he punctuated the last two words with a kiss on her neck. It would probably leave a mark. 

Cassandra whimpered and pulled him closer to her. She had missed this so much. Missed him. Missed how good his body felt brushing up against hers. Or the way he would talk to her like she was the only girl in the world. 

Except - _except_ , she _wasn’t_ the only girl in his world. And for that, she had no one to blame but herself. 

“N-no,” she shoved him off her, “Harry, we can’t.”

His lips chased after her and he placed his hands on her cheeks where he ran his thumbs over her cheekbones. “Cass, come on, sweetheart -”

Now he was just being cruel. “No, Harry. No.”

He was being hormonal and trying to recreate the past. Trying to chase the feeling of this summer. Except nothing about this was the same. 

Harry and Cassandra weren’t together anymore. Harry had a girlfriend. Harry’s dad had died.

He was just confused and trying to seek out something that reminded him of simpler times. When things were _easy_. 

_It’s easy here_ , Harry had once said. 

And he was chasing that feeling again by trying to be with her. 

“We can’t do this, okay? It’s not - it’s not _fair_. I mean, you have a girlfriend.” 

_And she’s not me_. 

He looked sad, like he had just realized what they’d done, and took a step back from her. “Fuck.” He grabbed the back of his neck with his right hand and started pacing. “ _Fuck_.”

Cassandra’s shoulders sagged. While moments ago, she had felt beautiful and happy and _loved_ , now she felt _small_. And inconsequential and stupid. She could feel the tears welling up and she refused to let Harry see her cry. 

“I’m gonna - I should go, we’ve been gone for too long anyway.” She slid off the desk and started making her way towards the door. 

“Cass, wait please - let’s just talk about this.” He grabbed her hand and she froze. 

She took a deep breath and shook his hand off. “We shouldn’t have done that. And we shouldn’t do it again, okay?”

“Cass, what if I -”

She wanted him to finish his sentence. What was he going to say? _Cass, what it I want to do it again? Cass, what if I don’t regret it? Cass, what if I break up with Kelly?_

But regardless of whatever he was going to say, he didn't finish, so Cassandra would never know. 

“I’ll uhh - I’ll see you later, Har. Don’t worry about this, I won’t tell anyone.”

And then she opened the door and was in the hallway. Harry, smartly, chose not to follow her and she gave herself a few moments to collect herself - wiped her eyes and took a few fortifying breaths - before going back to Mrs. Peters’ room. 

They couldn’t do that again. Because she wasn’t sure she would be able to stop him next time. 

\--------------

**3:46 PM**

_We can’t do that again, got it?_

_Harry, I’m serious_

_You have a girlfriend_

_what if i didn’t?_

_Don’t_

_That’s not fair_


	4. i'm still on that tightrope, i'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year!!! so this chapter was definitely _interesting_ to write and one of the ones i've struggled the most with so far. i seriously love kennedy and think she's such a fun character, but like harry, she's definitely not the same carefree girl cassandra met on the beach last summer. also, while this is primarily a cassandra and kennedy chapter, harry does have a brief appearance, but will be back in full next week for the one shot at the dance! so lmk what you all think and thanks for the comments on last chapter! x jordan

**_i'm still on that tightrope, i'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me_ **

**Fri, Jan 11, 5:39 PM**

_i’m sorry, but did i hear this right?  
are you going to the movies with my sister tonight???_

_Yeah, she asked if I wanted to see the new Marvel movie with her. Think she just wanted a ride_

_but you hate marvel movies???_

_I don’t hate them_

_I just didn’t know what was going on so I didn’t enjoy them as much. But I’ve watched a lot of them since then and have a new appreciation for the world building_

_And I like the guy who plays Spiderman_

_‘the world building’ seriously???  
wild friday night you’re having, hanging out with a 14 year old…_

_Don’t be a dick, Kennedy asked and I said yes. You’re just jealous you didn’t get invited. And don’t crash_

_i wasn’t planning on it, i’m going to the hockey game tonight  
with kelly_

_Have fun!_

\--------------

Cassandra pulled up to the Binghams’ house at three minutes after six, just a little late. She had texted Kennedy when she was leaving her own house, but the younger girl told her not to rush, saying she was running late. While she waited, Cassandra scrolled through her phone and cranked up the heat in the car, which despite the seven minute drive over, was still cold. 

She saw the door open out of the corner of her eye and looked up from her phone, preparing to greet Kennedy. 

But it wasn’t Kennedy. 

Harry jogged down the front steps, wearing his ridiculous winter coat - unzipped mind you, despite the barely above freezing temperature - and a pair of fuzzy moccasin slippers instead of real shoes. 

Not entirely in the mood to deal with him, she cracked her window open an inch, hoping to make this interaction as quick and painless as possible. Harry rolled his eyes and made the universal motion to roll down the window, leaving her no choice but to do as he asked. 

“What?” she asked a little harsher than she had intended. 

“Hi.”

He leaned his elbows on the car window sill and Cassandra leaned back. He was too close. She could see his breath puffing out in the cold air. 

“Hi…” she returned, her guard already up. “What’s up, Har?”

“Not much.” He shrugged. “Just wanted to say thanks again for the invite.”

She turned in her seat to face him and then immediately turned to face front again. He was too close. “Well, you wouldn’t have been able to come anyways, thought you said you were going to the hockey game - with Kelly?”

“Mmmm, true. And then we’re going over to her house after.” He leaned back and rocked on his heels. “Her parents actually are out of town for the weekend. Her sister has a skating competition up in Lake Placid, so we’ll have the whole house to ourselves.”

Cassandra’s heart clenched painfully before she felt it drop to her stomach. Now he was just being cruel. She wasn’t going to cry - not now, not in front of him. She could cry all she wanted later when she was in her bedroom. Alone. While Harry and Kelly were - 

Was he as sweet and tender with Kelly as he had been with her? Did he call her sweetheart or tell her how pretty she was? No - he probably called her beautiful, something he had never called Cassandra. She just got pretty. And Kelly was probably never as hesitant or nervous as Cassandra had been. 

Because they probably had slept together plenty of times since they got back together in October. They were normally all over each other whenever Cassandra had seen them. And that was just at school. 

But - this was the first time she had really stopped and considered it - _them, together_. Harry had also probably told Kelly he loved her five times over by now. 

And he had never told Cassandra that. 

_God_ , she was not going to cry right now. Because she missed him so much. And sometimes she thought he did, too. Maybe he only missed her when he was drunk and alone, like on New Year’s Eve? He was just desperate enough to reach out to her and she was just desperate enough to respond. 

(She had not taken a screenshot of the text he sent her on New Year’s Eve. And she had not looked at it almost every night before she went to bed for the last ten days. She could not recite it word for word - _I’ve never felt the way I do with you with anyone else sweetheart_ \- and she had _not_ cried the first time she read it. No way.)

And they hadn’t texted since. At least not until tonight. 

“- Oh,” she said eventually, “T-that’ll be - nice. I can see why you wouldn’t have wanted to come with us anyway. T-tell Kelly I said _hi_ \- or wait - don’t, she’ll probably think that’s weird since we don’t - have a nice time,” she finished lamely. 

“Right, yeah. Thanks.”

Despite the thirty degree temperature, she could tell her cheeks were getting hot. And then Harry leaned his elbows on her windowsill again. Why was he still standing so close to her? 

He cleared his throat. “And I guess I wanted to say thanks for taking Ken out. She had a tough Christmas and everything and it’s really nice of you.”

She wanted to ask if Harry had had a tough Christmas? She had an inkling. They had texted, afterall. But did he want her caring about him anymore? Worrying about him? It wasn’t her place. That was pretty clear. But she couldn’t help it. She was always going to worry about him.

But Cassandra just shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. We’re friends. Plus, she thinks I’m actually cool, so…”

Harry chuckled, picking up on her joke. “Yeah, don’t know where she got that idea...”

Cassandra scoffed. “Excuse me -”

“- Stop bothering her!” Kennedy said as the front door slammed shut behind her. 

Wearing a similar jacket to Harry’s, Kennedy leveled her brother with a hard stare before scooting around to the passenger seat of the Volvo. 

“Hey, Cassandra!” she said cheerily as she slipped into her seat and leaned over to give Cassandra a one armed hug. 

“Hey,” she said once Kennedy pulled back. 

“I’m so excited to see this! None of my friends wanted to go.”

Harry snorted. “You need better friends…”

From what little Kennedy had told her about her friends, Cassandra felt that was probably true. She wouldn’t have worded it as bluntly as Harry had, but it was probably true. She would make a point to bring it up later. 

Kennedy leaned forward to glare at her brother through Cassandra’s window. “Anyway, this kind of feels like when we all went to the drive-in, right down to Harry’s dickish behavior.” Cassandra froze and she noticed Harry did as well. “Can I be in charge of the music?”

“Err yeah, sure. Here.” Cassandra opened up her _Spotify_ app and then handed her phone over. The silence was heavy as Kennedy looked for a song until Harry cleared his throat. 

“Alright, well, have a good time. And Ken, remember what I said,” he directed towards his sister, who rolled her eyes. 

“Yes, yes, I know, jeez.” Kennedy didn’t spare him a glance and kept scrolling through Cassandra’s _Spotify_. 

Cassandra just offered him a helpless shrug before Harry Styles’ voice soon filled the car. A soft smile played on the real Harry’s lips before he shuffled away from the car. 

“Just have her home by ten, okay?”

“No promises,” Cassandra teased. 

Harry rolled his eyes and gave them one final wave before running back inside. 

And then they were off. 

\--------------

They rolled up to the Greenwich _sweetgreen_ just after six thirty. Cassandra wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of their overpriced salads, but Kennedy had requested it and it was just down the street from the movie theater, so she didn’t want to make too much of a fuss. 

On the way there, they talked about how Mrs. Bingham had Kennedy in private tennis lessons twice a week in anticipation for the spring season and how Kennedy really did love playing tennis, despite all her _friends_ saying she should make the switch to lacrosse. Cassandra thought it was funny that both Kennedy and Harry seemed to hate lacrosse with a burning passion - well, Harry seemed to hate all sports with a burning passion, but lacrosse most of all. 

When that topic of conversation dried up, Kennedy had no problems discussing why she had texted Cassandra to hang out - her friends had been annoying her and she just wanted to have Friday night plans that didn’t involve them. 

“...All they want to do is talk about boys! Boys, boys, boys! It’s nauseating,” Kennedy bemoaned as the two girls waited in line to order their salads. 

Cassandra smiled. “They can’t be _that_ bad…”

“No, you’re right - they’re worse.”

“How long have you guys been friends?” Cassandra asked after she started her salad order with the girl behind the counter. 

Kennedy considered this. “Since elementary school, I guess? Mom was friends with their moms and it kind of just -”

“- Stuck?” Kennedy nodded. “It’s normal to grow out of your friends - I mean, I did.”

“Really?”

Cassandra nodded. She had been best friends with Gwen, Madison, Helena, and Kelly all through elementary and middle school. And then when they got to high school, she just _wasn’t_ \- well, except for Helena, who she was still close with. Not through the fault of anyone, they just grew apart and Cassandra became closer with her friends from her honors and AP classes and debate club. It wasn’t a bad thing, it just _happened_. 

“Some people just grow apart and you get close with people you share interests with instead of whose mom is friends with your mom.” 

Kennedy considered this. “I guess that makes sense…”

They paid for their salads and then found a table by the windows overlooking the street. 

After a couple bites, Cassandra spoke again. “Start small, like is there anyone you like hanging out with at school but haven’t hung out with outside of school or anything?”

“Hmmm,” Kennedy said through a mouthful of food, “there’s this girl in my social studies class, Abby, that’s really cool. We always talk about superheroes and K-pop when we’re waiting for class to start.”

“Umm, why didn’t you ask her to the movies tonight?” Cassandra joked. 

Kennedy made a face at her. “I don’t know, I didn’t think she’d say _yes_. Her, Miles, and I are really only social studies friends…”

Now this was the first time _Miles_ had been brought up and Cassandra wasn’t about to let it slide. Kennedy _always_ teased her. It wasn’t fair that she got nothing in return...

“ _Miles_ , huh?”

Kennedy’s cheeks turned bright red and she was suddenly very interested in her salad. “Shut up.” Cassandra looked at her imploringly and the younger girl sighed. “Fine! Miles, Abby, and I sit at the same table in social studies. We always joke that we’re at the rejects’ table since everyone else is at tables of four.”

“And is Miles _nice_?” Cassandra teased. 

“Sometimes,” Kennedy said loftily, “he’s smart, but he plays lacrosse...”

Cassandra chuckled. “Almost perfect then...”

“Shut up.” Kennedy nudged her foot. “A lot of girls like him though, so I don’t know if he’d ever like me or anything - but _anyway_ , I’ll talk to Abby on Monday about the movie, maybe she’ll have gone this weekend too.”

“Just as long as you’re happy, Ken.” The words had more weight behind them than just being about Kennedy making new friends. 

And it seemed like Kennedy understood that. She managed to smile, though her eyes were a little misty. 

“Thanks, I’m _getting there_ \- maybe. Who knows, honestly? But stuff like this helps.”

And at that moment, Cassandra knew she needed to be a better friend to the girl across from her. Because Cassandra knew enough about Kennedy, but she didn’t know _everything_ about her. She could offer advice and a shoulder to cry on with the added benefit of being an impartial observer. And that was enough for now. 

“Oh god,” Kennedy bemoaned and wiped her eyes, “I’m not going to cry, Jesus Christ. Let’s talk about something else - wait, show me your dress!”

Cassandra didn’t mind changing the subject, she just didn’t know what Kennedy was talking about. She scrunched her nose in thought. “My dress?”

“For Junior/Senior, duh?”

She chuckled. “Oh, right. Here, I have a picture of it somewhere.” She started swiping through her photos looking for the pictures her mom snapped when she took Cassandra and Allie to Greenwich to go dress shopping last weekend. “I think I even found one that I’ll like for prom later on.”

Kennedy looked giddy as she looked at Cassandra’s dress. “Oh my god, you’re going to look so pretty - seriously!”

Cassandra chuckled. “Thanks, you’re sure it’s not too…”

“Oh my god, no! It’s so - what’s the word? Gauzy? Fluffy? How’re you going to do your hair? What shoes are you going to wear?” 

She hadn’t given it that much thought. “I think I’m just going to get it blown out or something and then I have black heels.”

Kennedy practically swooned. “Ahh, I love that, seriously. You’re going to look _so pretty_ \- wait, you should do a red lip with it or something! You’ll have to let me see your prom dress eventually, too. I never get to see stuff like this, Harry just wears a suit, which is lame. Do you have a date?”

The excitement she felt a few minutes ago abated, though she knew that hadn’t been Kennedy’s intention. Instead, she frowned and put her phone down on the table. The photo on her Junior/Senior dress was still lit up on the screen. 

“To prom?” she played dumb, “No, it’s like four months away. I don’t think _anyone_ has a date yet.”

“Not _prom_ ,” Kennedy stressed, “Junior/Senior. Harry was talking about pictures or a pregame at our house the other day.”

Of course he was. That’s all he did lately, if the rumors were true. Drink, smoke, go to parties. And yet, he still showed up for class every Monday morning looking fresher than a daisy and his school work never slipped. It would be impressive if it wasn’t also terrifying. And worrisome. 

“Oh. No, I don’t - at least not yet. Like it’s next Friday, but no, not yet.” She stabbed at her salad a little forcefully. 

Kennedy looked offended, more than Cassandra probably would ever admit to being. “But you’re - you’re _you_.”

“What does that mean?”

“Come on, you’re like the coolest girl I know.”

She grimaced. Oh dear, sweet Kennedy Howard Bingham. “That was different, that was last summer and I wasn’t as - things are different. I mean, for one thing, Harry and I aren’t -”

“- I know you guys had sex - at the Cape.” Cassandra startled and looked around to see if anyone had overheard. No one was paying attention to them, but it still surprised her.

“Wha-what?” she stammered, “how did you - did _Harry_ tell you?” Cassandra still hadn’t told Allie. In fact, she hadn’t told anyone.

Kennedy shrugged a shoulder, completely unfazed, and took a bite of her salad. “I saw him come home that morning. He had the dumbest fucking smile on his face, too. And then you guys were kind of obvious at dinner and then when all of us were on the beach later -”

Fuck - did everyone know? Did her _grandparents_ know? No, they couldn’t have, right? Nana definitely would have mentioned something the next morning when she went to talk to Cassandra. Right?

“- Kennedy…”

“And you still like him. I know you didn’t ghost him for no reason. God, he was insufferable about it, too.”

Cassandra looked down at her lap. “It happened months ago, he’s clearly moved on,” she said quietly. “We’re friends now, I guess.”

“Cassie, come on,” she whined, “I miss having you over and I know Harry does, too -”

“- We’re not talking about this,” Cassandra said lightly, cutting Kennedy off. She wasn’t about to get a pep talk from her ex-boyfriend’s fourteen year old sister. “Next topic…”

Kennedy leveled her with a hard stare that reminded Cassandra way too much of Harry, but did change the subject. “I’m getting my braces off next week.”

This Cassandra could talk about. This took the focus off her. “What? That’s so exciting! And just in time for high school, too.”

Kennedy smiled, clearly pleased. “I know, that’s the best part. I was always really good about wearing my rubber bands and all that stuff.” She took a huge bite of her salad. “You ever have braces?”

“I did, but only for sixth and seventh grade. Got them off the summer before eighth.” At least she didn’t have them as long as Allie had. “My sister just got hers off last summer. She’d had them since she was in seventh grade, I think?”

Kennedy’s eyes widened. “Four years? No thanks. What’s she like? Your sister?”

“Oh,” Cassandra paused, considering it, “you’ve never met her?”

“Nope.”

“She’s a lot like you, actually. And I don’t know if that’s because you’re both the youngest or if it’s just the way you guys are. She’s legitimately cool, though. Not like me,” she joked. 

Kennedy rolled her eyes. “All my friends are the oldest or don’t have siblings, so they’re all kind of nervous about high school.”

“It’s not that bad. And you still have like months to go. Plus, you’re smart and play sports, so that’s like half the battle in high school.”

“Does your sister play any sports?”

“She does,” Cassandra nodded, “Soccer in the fall and then tennis in the spring, so you’ll probably get to know her from that at least.”

“Maybe she’ll keep an eye on me next year,” Kennedy teased. 

That would entail letting Allie know about Kennedy and Harry. The answer would, of course, be to invite Allie to the Cape this summer so she could get to know them. Like really get to know them as Cassandra had. But even if Cassandra went back to the Cape this summer, it wouldn’t quite be the same as last year. There was too much baggage now, amongst other entanglements. 

But instead of unloading all that on Kennedy, she just said: “I’ll introduce you guys.”

Kennedy smiled and went back to finishing off the last of her salad. Cassandra looked at her phone to check the time. Their movie was scheduled to start at seven thirty and it was already five after.

“You ready to head over?” Kennedy nodded and then the two of them cleaned up their trash and headed over to the theater. 

After chatting idly about the movie for a few minutes in the ticket line, it was finally Cassandra and Kennedy’s turn. And then Kennedy asked for two tickets for their movie - not one - so naturally, Cassandra had to argue about it.

“You don’t have to pay for my ticket, seriously. It’s not a big deal -”

“- I’m supposed to pay, he was very insistent on that.” Cassandra opened her mouth to argue, but Kennedy spoke again. “And he said you’d try and argue about it, but that he would check my credit card statement to see if I was lying, so…”

Stupid fucking Harry. It made her think about him again - and not for the first time that evening. And Kelly. And what they would be doing after the hockey game. At Kelly’s house. Alone. 

And again, she knew they had definitely slept together before today. Obviously. Like they had gotten back together in late October. But - _but_ her and Harry weren’t in the same place they had been in late October. 

In late October, she hadn’t held him for hours after his dad died and they hadn’t hooked up during debate practice and they hadn’t been dance partners in the school play and Harry hadn’t texted her simultaneously the sweetest and saddest message she had gotten in her _entire life_ on New Year’s and then tonight, he couldn’t have made it any clearer _why_ he was going over to Kelly’s house.

But then he would do stupid shit like this - something as small and innocuous as demanding Kennedy pay for Cassandra’s movie ticket and popcorn and _god_ \- she couldn’t hate him. She couldn’t possibly hate him. Even after all the ridiculous and petty shit they put each other through these past few months, she couldn’t hate him. 

She felt her eyes watering and looked at the carpet intently. The kid printing their tickets was definitely getting a little concerned. 

“Umm o-okay. T-that’s fine. I uhh - I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble,” she said as a joke that didn’t quite land. 

Kennedy just handed over her credit card and the kid behind the counter processed their tickets. Not wanting to make another scene at the concession stand, Cassandra let Kennedy order their snacks - one large popcorn, a box of _Red Vines_ , and two _caffeine free Diet Cokes_. 

Thankfully, they made it to their seats without any further incidents and Cassandra was more than happy to sit back for the next two and a half hours and get lost in the _Marvel Cinematic Universe_. 

\--------------

The movie was good, if a little long. And since Cassandra still wasn’t entirely up to date on her _Marvel_ lore, Kennedy spent most of the ride home explaining the latter half of the movie, as well as both end credit scenes. 

“- And because _Captain Marvel_ is like the new leader of the _MCU_ , she’s definitely going to get Peter out of trouble with the _Daily Bugle_ , like all the _Avengers_ are going to rally around him, I just know it.”

Cassandra just smiled as she pulled into the Binghams’ driveway and parked behind Mrs. Bingham’s white BMW. Harry’s car was gone. 

“I mean, I still thought it was pretty good even if I didn’t understand half of it. And I was happy MJ and Peter finally got together.”

Kennedy nodded and then turned in her seat to look at Cassandra. “Me too, he finally deserves _her_ , I think.”

Cassandra chuckled. “Well, I had a good time tonight. We’ll have to do this more often. I know I haven’t exactly been the best friend lately.”

It was true. She hadn’t been there for Kennedy as much as she should have been these past few weeks. She was selfishly too caught up in her relationship with Harry that she forgot how important the other Bingham sibling was to her. 

Kennedy fiddled with her phone. Harry did the same thing when he was nervous. “It’s okay -”

“- It’s not, Ken. You’re my friend, too. And I haven’t been there for you these past few weeks - these past few months, really - like I should’ve been. Just because your brother and I don’t always get along doesn’t mean I can ignore you -” 

“- He’s being weird, lately. I’m worried about him,” Kennedy said quietly, but didn’t make eye contact with her. 

Cassandra sank back into her seat. “Oh? Like what?”

“I don’t know - he comes home late on the weekends and he’s always at someone else’s house. And then when he _is_ home on the weekends, he sleeps all day. But like it’s just the weekends, never during the week. He’s still _Harry_ during the week.”

Oh. “Have you talked to him about it?”

Kennedy shook her head. “No - or I have, but he kind of brushes me off. And like I don’t entirely understand stuff like that anyways - partying and drinking and _stuff_ ,” she elaborated. 

That’s what Cassandra had thought. All the _Snapchats_ and _Instagram_ stories she had seen of Harry at parties the last few weeks flitted through her mind. He had to rein it in before he did something seriously bad - to himself or someone else.

“I’ve kind of noticed,” Cassandra admitted quietly. 

Kennedy sighed. “Can you keep an eye on him or let me know if something’s seriously wrong? Like he’s my big brother and he’s supposed to take care of _me_ and I just want him to know that -” her voice caught in her throat.

Cassandra laid a reassuring hand on Kennedy’s arm. “Yeah, I’ll keep an eye on him. I mean, he’s still my friend. I still care about him. I just think we both need to be better at being friends right now.” Cassandra smiled sadly. “And you’re my friend, too, Ken - okay? No matter what, you’re my friend. And you can text me or ask to hang out whenever you want, okay?”

Kennedy nodded. “Okay,” she said quietly and then leaned in to give Cassandra a quick hug. “Okay, so I’ll text you later.”

“I’ll keep my ringer on.” It was something her and Allie always said to each other and it seemed to have the same effect on Kennedy since she smiled before getting out of the car. 

Cassandra waited until Kennedy got inside the house before driving away. It was something Harry had always done with her and something that never failed to make her feel safe and loved. And as she drove down the Binghams’ street, she couldn’t help her thoughts from turning to him. 

Should she text him? Let him know that she had dropped Kennedy off, safe and sound? No, she didn’t want to interrupt his evening with Kelly. Not if she was seriously about this _friends_ thing she decided upon and promised Kennedy. 

Because that’s what they were going to be: friends. She had made a promise to Kennedy to keep an eye on Harry and that’s what she was going to do. Granted, if he happened to text _her_ \- no, they were going to be friends. That’s it. 

Friends. 

\--------------

**10:28 PM**

_how was the movie_

_Good, but Kennedy can give you a better recap_

_right_


	5. but i'm still on my tallest tip-toes, spinning in my highest heels, love [shining just for you]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! at long last, here is the cute (and angsty??) junior/senior dance chapter. poor cass really needs to get out of her own head and like journal or some shit while she listens to _drivers license_ to process all her feelings. i feel like i rewrote this scene like twenty different times, but i finally like it and am SO excited for you guys to read it, so please lmk what you think in the comments 
> 
> x jordan

_**but i'm still on my tallest tip-toes, spinning in my highest heels, love [shining just for you]** _

**Fri, Jan 18, 7:47 PM**

_you look pretty_

_You do too, I guess…_

_i look pretty??_

_Your suit is a nice cut_

_your dress is a nice cut  
and i like the black_

_Just don’t spill any punch on it this time_

_And you’re lucky I didn’t rat on you for your breathalyzer trick, think I finally figured it out_

_me? intoxicated at a school dance? no ma’am_

_Just be careful, okay?_

_only if you save me a dance?_

_You know we can’t do that_

\--------------

When it came down to it, Cassandra ended up not having a date to Junior/Senior. Granted, not having a date wasn’t so terrible - she didn’t have to wear one of those god awful wrist corsages or awkwardly slow dance to an Ed Sheeran song in front of half the school. Plus, a bunch of her friends didn’t end up having dates either. But it still niggled at the back of her mind as she was getting ready in her bedroom. 

Luckily, she didn’t have to stick around for too long to take pre-dance pictures downstairs since her mom had to drop her off at West Ham Country Club at six forty-five to meet up with the other juniors and seniors on student council.

School dances in West Ham were always an event - and rightly so. Who wanted to dance under crepe paper streamers and a rickety disco ball in the high school gym when West Ham Country Club and its sprawling grounds and _three_ reception rooms was just across town? This wasn’t a _CW_ show. The country club had served as the venue for Junior/Senior since the inaugural event in 1983. Sophomore Semi-Formal was held on a boat chartered out of Greenwich - which made the punch bowl spiking incident of 2012 all the more unfortunate - and Senior Prom took place at an estate in Westchester County. 

But Junior/Senior, jokingly, slummed it at West Ham Country Club. It was billed as a relatively low-key affair and the dance most people tended to skip out on every year. Well, every year except this year it seemed because Cassandra, acting in her capacity as senior class president, had checked in over one hundred and eighty-four kids so far, alongside her vice president, Zach Barrett, and Helena Wu and Peter Schein, acting in their capacity as treasurer and secretary, respectively. 

It was exhausting, making small talk with everyone as they checked in - telling the girls how nice their dresses were (even if they really weren’t and some people’s _really weren’t_ ) or how many people bought tickets (two hundred fifty-six) or if they really had to get breathalyzed (they really did, thanks to the aforementioned punch bowl spiking at the 2012 Sophomore Semi-Formal, which resulted in no less than eight people having to get their stomachs pumped). But at seven thirty-five, none of this would be Cassandra’s problem anymore - well, that wasn’t entirely true - but at seven thirty-five, the class officers from the junior class would take over check-in duty and Cassandra could finally enjoy her evening and stop fucking staring at the door, simultaneously longing for and dreading when _someone_ would walk through it.

So, when it was finally seven thirty-six and _Bingham, Harry_ and _Aldrich, Kelly_ ’s names still hadn’t been crossed off, Cassandra relished passing off the proverbial baton to the junior class president, Emily Harper, and stole off to the function room, arm-in-arm with Helena. 

If Cassandra was lucky, she could avoid Harry for most of the evening. She wanted to enjoy the dance with her friends and she wanted Harry to enjoy it with Kelly. They hadn’t really talked much during the week at school or via text - barring a couple texts and mundane conversations about homework and debate. 

Or wait - that wasn’t necessarily true. He had texted her about her plans for the dance or rather lack thereof. Looking back at the texts, Cassandra could admit that he hadn’t been as needlessly cruel as she had originally though. Instead, he seemed genuinely surprised or, dare she even think it, mad that she didn’t have a date, which was oddly _sweet_ and - whatever. They were supposed to be friends. Friends cared about stuff like that. 

And, apparently, friends also texted you that you looked pretty and that they liked your dress, which was how she knew Harry had finally arrived. Obviously, she had to fire off a flirty response about his suit - black, just like her dress - once her eyes locked on his across the room. 

He looked unfairly handsome. Seriously, it wasn’t fair how one look from Harry across a semi-shrouded room could turn her into a blushing mess. But her flirty response about the breathalyzer - yeah, she figured that trick out - backfired when Harry made that callous comment about dancing with her. Something they both knew could not and should not happen. No matter how much Cassandra may have wanted.

Dodging and weaving their way through the throngs of West Ham High’s upperclassmen, Helena and Cassandra made their way towards a cluster of people holding court near the bar - which was only serving Shirley Temples and lemonade, thank you very much - Luke and Grizz chief among them.

After _hellos_ were said to the entire group, Cassandra sided up next to Grizz. 

“How’s your night going?” he asked nicely.

Cassandra took a sip of her Shirley Temple, which matched her nails and lipstick, before responding. “Not too bad so far, but it’s still early.”

Grizz snorted. “True, there’s bound to be at least one fight tonight - there always is.”

That was true. Normally happened after one of the two slow dances of the evening. Some poor girl always switched partners between dances and there was nothing upper middle class white boys loved more than to profess their manhood by beating each other up in a parking lot. 

“Fingers crossed,” Cassandra said wryly, “but I must say that I am _loving_ this look on you,” she finished by panning her hand up and down Grizz’s chest and he did a cute little spin to show off his outfit. 

Now it was entirely possible that Grizz didn’t own a suit. Cassandra had known him since they were in kindergarten and she didn’t think she had ever seen him in a suit and tie before. The most she had ever seen him _dress up_ was when the two of them went together to Harry’s dad’s memorial service back in November and, even then, he just wore a sweater and khakis. 

Tonight, he had on a pair of, what looked like, navy joggers and moccasin slippers with a grey Middlebury College sweatshirt. Granted, he looked comfy and good because - well, it was _Grizz_. But he was literally wearing sweatpants to a school dance.

“Thank you, thank you,” he preened, “but come on, look at you. You look really nice.”

She blushed prettily. Granted, she knew he meant it, not in that way, but she knew he meant it and it was nice to be told you looked good every once in a while. 

This year, Cassandra chose a black, midi length dress that was cut from tiers of frothy tulle patterned with small black polka dots, that had a ruched bodice and nipped-in waist with wide straps, which rested on the tips of her shoulders. She completed the look with a pair of black suede, ankle strap heels that showed off her red pedicure and she had her hair blown out. She followed Kennedy’s advice from last week and kept her makeup relatively simple barring her bold, red lipstick.

“Thanks,” she said and similarly did a little spin. “You have a date? I don’t think I checked you in, so I didn’t see.”

Grizz clicked his tongue. “Yeah, sort of. Gwen kind of cornered me after Stats yesterday and asked me. Said she wanted to make Clark jealous or something? Apparently, they’re off again and he’s here with Caroline Cormier and he pissed me off the other day, so figured it was the least I could do for Gwen.”

“Ahh,” she nodded understandingly, “think I heard something about that.”

It seemed like Gwen and Clark were always on again, off again. And not that Cassandra and Gwen were _besties_ by any stretch of the imagination, but she could still admit that Gwen was _eons_ out of Clark’s league, so she was siding with Grizz on this one. 

“And how did Gwen react to your...outfit,” Cassandra said carefully and stole a look at Gwen, who was currently posing for pictures with Madison, well within sight of Clark and Caroline, who were aggressively making out off to the side of the dance floor. 

Grizz chuckled. “About as well as you can imagine - I wasn’t even going to come, actually.” She frowned and he elaborated. “Just wasn’t feeling it and couldn’t really go with who I wanted to,” he finished quietly.

It seemed like he didn’t want to talk about it too much, but Cassandra felt like she had to say something, especially since she was in a similar position. “Shit, sorry.” He just shrugged, trying to see unbothered. “It sucks, trust me.”

He snapped his head to look at her. “Fuck, not you, too?”

Grizz was one of those genuinely good guys you just wanted to tell everything to, who you could pour your heart to and tell every secret because he would definitely offer you decent advice. She wanted to know who he was pining after. Maybe she could help? But for now she just shrugged as if to say _what can you do_?

“Alright, fuck this.” He cupped his hands around his mouth. “Yo, Gwen?” he yelled, gaining the other girl’s attention. “We’re gonna dance, you coming?” 

A giddy smile lit up Gwen’s face and she nodded before pushing her way over to Cassandra and Grizz. 

“Yes! Let’s fucking go,” Gwen said and then the three of them were off to the dance floor. 

\--------------

Cassandra was having a good time. 

She danced with Grizz and Gwen for a couple songs, then Helena and Luke joined in, followed by Allie and all her friends - Becca, Sam, and Will chief among them. Gwen taught everyone how to do the latest _Tik Tok_ dances and the girls all sang until they were hoarse. 

After that, Cassandra took seemingly endless pictures with everyone - girls from debate and her classes, her friends, Allie’s friends, people from student council - everyone. She talked about the upcoming spring play that was just announced that afternoon and the B/C Calc test scheduled for next week. And through it all, she had about four Shirley Temples and an equal amount of cookies.

She was having a good time. 

Really. 

And before she knew it, it was around nine o’clock and Cassandra, Helena, and Grizz were taking a breather just off to the side of the dance floor and talking about the quiz in AP Lit earlier that day.

“- I know I didn’t do well,” Helena bemoaned, “I totally skimmed the first like fifty pages and was completely thrown when Hawkins asked where the narrator is telling the story from and definitely said the Congo.”

Grizz snorted. “You’re screwed.” Helena swatted him on the arm. “I’m not looking forward to these next few weeks. We’re reading _the Stranger_ next, which I’ve heard is worse than _Heart of Darkness_.”

“I doubt anything is worse than _Heart of Darkness_ ,” Cassandra said.

“ _Lord of the Flies_?” Helena teased and they all groaned.

Grizz toasted them with his drink. “Toxic masculinity at its finest.” The girls giggled. 

“Well, well, well. The gang’s all here,” Harry drawled as he approached their little group. It was the first time Cassandra had actually talked to him all night. 

“Hey man,” Grizz said in response and then they did that whole half hug thing guys do when they see each other, while Cassandra and Helena smiled and nodded.

The four of them had been in the same classes for the bulk of high school, a mix of honors and then later AP classes when they became juniors. Since Harry knew everyone, he always had the best intel on what was going to be on quizzes or tests and the four of them would frequently swap homework and study together at lunch or during their free periods. If there were any people who wouldn’t bat an eyelash at Harry and Cassandra talking, let alone being friends, it would be Helena and Grizz. 

As Harry joined their little group, the four of them talked about school and how they couldn’t believe Lexie had gone to the dance with Greg Dewey, as they both were easily the most obnoxious people in AP Euro. And about how Helena, as club president, would consider letting Harry’s _National Honors Society_ community service requirement slide this semester if he helped her out with B/C Calc this unit. 

It was nice, talking amongst the four of them. They could all genuinely be themselves. Grizz didn’t have to be everyone’s favorite jock, or Harry the most popular guy in school, Helena the smart and beautiful girlfriend of the quarterback, or Cassandra the class president. They could just be themselves. They didn’t have to put on any airs between the four of them. 

“- Wait, we should take a picture,” Helena said suddenly, “for the yearbook.”

The boys groaned and Cassandra was inclined to do the same until Helena leveled her with a hard stare. “Uhh, sure, yeah.”

While Helena pulled Luke away from the group of guys he was talking with to take the picture, Grizz took it upon himself to stage the photo and pulled her and Harry over by one of the windows looking out onto the golf course. 

“Alright, you stand here,” Grizz guided her next to Harry, “and then Helena and I will go over here.”

Harry looked at her out of the corner of his eye before he addressed Grizz. “And are we allowed to smile?”

Grizz shot them both a look when Cassandra snorted. “Only if you can manage it…”

Once Helena came back with Luke, they got into Grizz’s micromanaged lineup. Harry put his arm around Cassandra’s waist and his fingers idly rubbed against the fabric of her dress and she managed to smile. 

But then Luke said he was done and the four of them untangled themselves and went back to standing around and chatting about the latest developments in the Clark, Caroline Cormier, and Gwen saga. 

And then, before she even knew it was happening, the peppy dance song that had been playing ended and the opening notes of an, admittedly awful, Ed Sheeran song started and everyone paired off. 

Grizz begrudgingly found Gwen and Helena and Luke shuffled off with adoring looks on their faces and Cassandra could even see Allie and Will doing that nerdy fast dance to a slow song thing they always did. 

But Harry just stared at her.

He just stared at her for a moment too long. Like he had wanted to say something and _do_ something, but the words weren’t coming out of his mouth. But then his eyes locked on something - or more likely someone - over her shoulder and he brushed past her without another word. 

She didn’t turn around to see if he looked back at her. 

All she knew was that she had to get out of here. It was too much, suddenly being shown exactly what you had lost. What you could’ve had if only you weren’t such a fucking coward. Could she have made Harry as happy as he seemed to be with Kelly? Probably not. They definitely would’ve driven each other insane by now. 

Because none of their friends, except Grizz and Helena, really got along. No one expected them to even tolerate each other in class or debate let alone actually date each other. And more to the point, why would the popular boy want to hook up with the senior class’ resident try hard? 

Cassandra had gotten a couple weeks on the Cape. That was it. That was all she deserved for breaking Harry’s heart. And those few weeks in no way added up to the literal _months_ Harry and Kelly had been together. There was no comparison. 

With a brief glance back at the dance floor, Cassandra saw Kelly’s gorgeous dress shimmering beautifully underneath the lights as her and Harry swayed to the music and Cassandra felt sad and jealous and _small_ and knew she had to make a surreptitious trip to the bathroom. 

Thankfully, it was relatively empty with most people out on the dance floor.

She didn’t cry. For the record. 

She had vowed never to be that girl - at least not in public - that cried because the boy she liked didn’t like her back. But, even so, she still had to take a couple steading breaths to collect herself and spent a fair amount of time just sitting in the stall and scrolling through _Twitter_ on her phone. She didn’t think she could stomach her _Instagram_ story feed at the moment and seeing all the cute couple photos from the night. 

After deeming a suitable amount of time had passed - read the length of this stupid fucking Ed Sheeran song - Cassandra emerged from the bathroom with a smile on her face ready to take on the rest of the evening with her usual amount of grace and poise. 

It would be fine. She would hang out with Allie, maybe have another drink. There were plenty of things she could do without thinking about Harry nonstop. 

But as she was solidifying her plan for the rest of the evening, she turned the corner back to the function room a little too abruptly and collided with a hard chest. And, of course, it was the absolute last person she wanted to see right now.

“Shit, sorry - oh, hey - again,” Harry said.

She cleared her throat. “Oh - hi.” 

They shuffled back and forth awkwardly, trying to pass by each other but always managing to go the same way, until Harry put his hand on her waist and guided her to one side. 

“Figured it might save us a few minutes standing here.” Cassandra managed to smile, but didn’t say anything further. “So, uhh, I know I texted you earlier, but I meant to -”

“- Harry?” Kelly suddenly appeared in the corridor. “Oh - hey, Cassandra,” she said brightly once she saw who had held Harry up. 

The three of them moved off to the side, not wanting to block the entire hallway.

“Hey, Kelly. You look really pretty - your dress is gorgeous, seriously,” Cassandra may have been babbling nervously, but she was telling the truth. 

Kelly’s entire friend group had gone with a sequin and bead dress theme for the dance this year and Cassandra had to admit that Kelly’s silver sequin skater dress was definitely the prettiest of the bunch and looked even better up close. 

Kelly hammed it up by doing a little spin so the sequins hit the light just right. “Aww thanks! My mom said I looked like a disco ball, so take that as you will.”

Cassandra giggled. She definitely did not look like a disco ball - Madison, Olivia or Gwen, maybe, but not Kelly. “No, I love it. It’s fun. Perfect for dancing.”

“And yours! Oh my god, it’s so pretty,” Kelly said, gesturing wildly. 

Though Cassandra had no doubt whatsoever that the comment was one hundred percent genuine, she couldn’t help but feel small and timid and nervous all of a sudden. 

Her eyes locked with Harry’s suddenly and she felt like she was doing something wrong. “Thanks,” she stuttered. “I should let you guys get back to - have a good night.”

Without waiting for a reply, she set off down the hallway in the complete opposite direction of the dance. If she recalled from her previous visits to West Ham Country Club, there was a nice, scheduled terrace that overlooked the eighteenth hole. Cold temperatures be damned, she crept through the open french doors and stepped out onto the deserted terrace. Surely no one would bother her out here? 

Because she needed a moment. She needed some time to herself to catch her fucking breath. Because she was being so ridiculous and stupid. Her and Harry weren’t together anymore and hadn’t been for _months_. Harry had a girlfriend and Cassandra was the one who broke up with _him_. 

So why now? Why was she feeling like this now? Was it because they hooked up back in December? Or that he left her those _fucking_ texts on New Year’s Eve? Or the way he had obviously tried so hard to make her jealous last Friday night by talking about his plans to make use of the Aldrichs’ empty house? And their almost desperate attempts at trying to be friends that just kept _failing_? They had to break the cycle and soon before they -

“- Hey,” a voice that Cassandra would’ve known anywhere said from behind her. 

She turned around slowly and saw Harry step out onto the terrace. His hair looked a little windswept and his chest was heaving slightly, almost like he had been running, and his tie was loosened.

“Hey,” she said quietly. 

He slowly made his way towards her, so that they were both looking out onto the dark golf course. “What’re you doing out here? It’s fucking freezing.”

“Just needed some air.” _And to take a break from staring at you and Kelly_. “What about you?”

He shoved his hands into his pockets and scuffed his shoe on the stone terrace. “Was looking for you - inside.”

“Oh. That’s uhh - you were?”

He shrugged. “I mean, you ran off just now and I wanted to see you, like properly. We haven’t talked much lately and we were always around other people earlier.”

“Well, there are about two hundred and fifty-six people currently grinding to Kendrick Lamar inside - well, now two hundred and fifty-four...”

That got her a smile, a real one, and almost made her forget how cold it was outside. She crossed her arms over her chest, trying to stay warm, which was easier said than done since the temperature was hovering around forty degrees - and she realized what a stupid idea this had been. If Harry hadn’t followed her outside, she would have just gone back inside to the dance.

But he _had_ followed her outside. And they never got any time alone together anymore. Just the two of them. 

She fantasized about him asking her to dance out there on the terrace. He would wrap his arms around her waist and pull her close, like he did at his party on the Cape all those months ago and they danced to that Kacey Musgraves song she hadn’t been able to listen to since. He would tell her how pretty she looked and how he had been watching her all night.

But that wasn’t going to happen. No matter how much she wanted it to - and she _really, really_ wanted it to - they couldn’t let that happen. Harry had a girlfriend, who was the nicest girl in the senior class and was definitely inside looking for him right now, wondering why he ran off just as soon as she had found him. 

So, freezing or not, Cassandra was going to be a little selfish and stand out there with him a little longer. Because this was all she got. This was all she deserved. She had been scared and stupid all those months ago, so instead of spinning around in Harry’s arms inside, this little moment out on the terrace had to be it. It had to be enough. 

But January in Connecticut reared its ugly head and she couldn’t help the involuntary shiver she let out once a gust of wind hit her bare arms. Unfortunately, Harry noticed. However, instead of suggesting they go back inside, he started taking off his suit jacket. 

“Here,” he said. 

Cassandra shook her head. “Oh - no, it’s okay, I’m fine.”

“Come on, Cass. You’re freezing.”

Without another word, Harry stood in front of her and wrapped his suit jacket around her shoulders. It was still warm from his residual body heat and even smelled like his cologne and something so uniquely _Harry_. 

Once he had the jacket securely draped over her shoulders, he leaned forward to slip her hair out from underneath the collar. He was so close. She could see his breath puff out against her cheek in the cold air. It wasn’t until he moved back that she let out a breath of her own. 

“There, all set,” he said softly. His cheeks were a little pink. 

Still trying to keep the jacket on her shoulders, she couldn’t help but reach up to tuck her hair behind her right ear. It was a nervous tick she had never been able to shake. 

“You know, I was being honest earlier, you do look really pretty.”

She ducked her head bashfully. “Thanks.” And then, feeling a little too embarrassed by her reaction to him calling her pretty, she tried to make a joke. “My feet are killing me in these heels, though.” 

“But now you’re almost as tall as me,” he joked when she held a foot out pointedly. 

“Not like it’s that much of a stretch.”

He smiled and took a step closer to her. They were practically touching - in fact, Harry’s fingertips were ghosting the fabric of her dress skirt, like he had been doing earlier when they were taking pictures with Grizz and Helena. She turned her head to look at him, but any words she had been about to say - what they may have been, she could not tell you - died on the tip of her tongue when she saw the way he was looking at her. Almost like he was going to kiss her. His cheeks were pink from the cold and his hair was messy and Cassandra thought he looked beautiful.

And she really wanted him to kiss her.

Just as she was about to tilt her head up, he spoke: “You wanna dance with me?”

 _Oh god_. Now that the words were out there and despite her text earlier that they couldn’t do this, she didn’t think she could say no. She didn’t _want_ to say no. Like most things involving Harry, the temptation was too great to deny herself. 

“Out here?” she asked shakily. 

He faltered for a moment. “Y-yeah. But like only if you want - I mean, you can kind of still hear the music and -”

And before either of them could think of a reason why they shouldn’t be doing this - and there were _many_ \- Cassandra wrapped her arms around Harry’s neck and he followed suit and put his arms around her waist. However, their hold didn’t last too long before the suit jacket Harry had painstakingly placed on her shoulders slipped off. 

“God, you’re a mess, Pressman.”

They both tittered nervously and then Harry let go of her and picked the jacket up off the ground. He stood behind her and held the jacket out properly, so she could slide her arms through the sleeves. She felt warm all over - not just because of the jacket - and hoped he didn’t notice how nervous she was all of a sudden.

“Let’s try this again,” he said softly once he stood in front of her and put his hands around her waist again, while she wrapped her arms around his neck. 

Harry was right, you could still hear the music playing inside from out there on the terrace. It wasn’t a slow song, but not quite a fast one either. But that didn’t matter. It was nice just being out there wrapped in his arms. They both spoke at the same time:

“So, are you -”

“- What’re you -”

They chuckled. “You first,” Cassandra said. 

“What’re you doing after?” She shot him a reproachful look. “Not like that, give me some credit.”

She ducked her head. “We’re going to _Harrel’s_ ,” she said referring to the closest thing they had to a diner in West Ham, “it’s a post dance tradition.”

“Waffles or pancakes?” _Harrel’s_ was known for their all day breakfast menu. 

“Pancakes, obviously,” she teased. “You should come, though - I mean, like you and Kelly and whoever. You can meet us there if you want?”

Harry’s hands tightened around her waist and he sighed. “We’re going to Jason’s. But you guys can all come after _Harrel’s_ if you want? He’ll probably be too out of it to notice a few more people.”

“I’ll mention it,” she said, though she knew she probably wouldn’t end up doing so. 

The song had changed back inside. Now it was something completely ill suited to slow dancing - especially slow dancing with your ex-boyfriend slash ex-best friend. But that didn’t stop the two of them and they just continued swaying in each other’s arms. She felt Harry’s phone vibrate in his jacket pocket. It was probably Kelly asking where he was.

“What were you gonna say earlier?” Harry said quietly.

She had to think about it for a moment. “I don’t rem - oh, I was gonna ask if you’d heard about the play? Mrs. Drennan told me after school today that she was going to post audition times next week.”

Harry hummed. “Right, _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead_ , was _Hamlet_ too expensive? Sure they’ll be able to pack the auditorium with a winner like that,” he finished wryly.

Fair point, Cassandra couldn’t exactly picture people lining up to see what was basically _Hamlet_ fan fiction. There were so many other options that she would have loved to do instead, especially for her last play in high school, but Mrs. Drennan had been insistent. What was wrong with _Twelfth Night_? Or hell, it was definitely a little too adult for high school, but Cassandra would have loved to do _Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf_ if only so she would get to cathartically fight with Harry for two hours on stage.

“It can’t be that bad,” she said instead, “plus, Mrs. Drennan said she wants to do gender blind casting for the two leads -”

“- You do realize she’s doing that so you’re guaranteed one of the leads, right?”

Cassandra rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “I mean...you’re not _wrong_ , but I still think it’ll be cool.” Harry seemed to subconsciously pull her closer as they both laughed. “You gonna audition?” 

_Please say yes, please say yes_.

“I don’t know, maybe?” He sounded unsure. “I’ve been kind of busy after school and on the weekends lately.”

Cassandra hummed. “I’ve heard.”

This time it was Harry’s turn to shoot her a reproachful look. “I thought we were trying out this whole _friends_ thing? Aren’t friends supposed to be supportive of each other?”

“Not when they’re being stupid…”

“I am anything but stupid.”

In spite of herself, Cassandra smiled. “That’s true, but I just worry about you, Har.” She idly played with the ends of his hair on his neck which had been brushing against her fingers.

He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. “I’m fine, Cass. I promise.”

She let the matter drop for now and was content to just dance in silence for a few moments. Unbidden, the memory of her and Harry dancing together last summer crept to the forefront of her mind again. 

_Well, you found me now and I’m not going anywhere._

_You smell pretty; s’different from what you normally wear._

_I always notice you, Cass._

She remembered how close together they had been, how his breath tickled against her cheek and she realized how much she wanted him to kiss her for the first time. And how his hands spread across her back as he pulled her closer and left a trail of heat in their wake.

So, she could have blamed the next words out of her mouth on being caught up in the nostalgia of it all or the heady feeling of being in his arms again. 

“Sometimes, I wonder what would’ve happened if I let you talk me out of it - ending things between us - that morning on the Cape.” She avoided eye contact. “And if we still would’ve been together or - I don’t know, it’s stupid. It doesn’t matter.”

She could feel Harry’s shoulders tense beneath her and he stopped swaying them, but didn’t quite let go of her. 

“You’re right, it doesn’t matter. You don’t get to say shit like that anymore.” She shrank back from him slightly. “You were the one that ended things, you were the one that was too fucking scared. And I know we haven’t really talked about this before, not this way, but it’s not fucking fair - at all. I know I haven’t been perfect in all this either - trust me, I fucking know I haven’t - but we can’t keep doing shit like this, Cass. As much as you want to and as much as I may want to, we can’t do this shit anymore - not if you really want to be friends.”

Cassandra opened her mouth to speak, but found that words failed her. “I uhh - I’m not - I don’t -” 

“- Then what do you want, Cass?” He didn’t shout, but he may as well have, and Cassandra let go of him. They were still standing close together and she hoped he couldn’t tell she was about to cry. 

And then, suddenly, Harry’s face softened and he reached for her hand. “Fuck, sweetheart. I didn’t mean it like that. It’s as much my fault as it is yours -”

“- Well, isn’t this cozy?” a smug voice, that could have only belonged to one person, said from the direction of the terrace doors. 

Her and Harry practically sprang apart once Campbell made his way over towards them. While Cassandra had never gotten along with Campbell, even as kids, she had thought him and Harry were friends. So why did Harry look almost spooked to see him?

“I’ve been texting you like crazy, man,” Campbell said. That explained the phone incessantly vibrating in Harry’s suit jacket pocket. 

Harry faltered. “Oh uhh, my ringer must be off.”

Campbell nodded and then focused his attention on Cassandra. “Now cousin, what’re you doing out here? They’re practically toasting your success inside and I know you’re never one to shy away from the praise.”

Before she could even get a word out, Harry spoke. “Cass - uhh Cassandra wasn’t feeling well and I was already out here and we were just - talking.”

Campbell looked almost pleased with this information. “Well, glad to see you two are finally getting along. Seems like Harry’s always talking about you lately…”

This was news to Cassandra and she frowned. What could Harry possibly have to say about her lately? And how would Campbell be privy to the information? Was this about New Year’s Eve? Had Harry been at Campbell’s house? She hoped not. 

See Cassandra had always heard _whispers_ about Campbell, about things he got up to at parties and things he _gave to people_ at parties. But Sam had always brushed them off, saying they were just rumors. 

More to the point, Harry wouldn’t do stuff like that, right? Though she had never liked it, Cassandra had always known that Harry definitely drank more than he probably should at seventeen years old and that he smoked pot every now and then. 

But he wouldn’t - Harry would never do _actual_ drugs or anything like that, right? He wouldn’t do something that reckless. However, one thing she knew for sure was that she really didn’t like how Campbell was looking at Harry right now, almost predatorily.

Cassandra squared her shoulders and hoped she sounded more sure of herself than she actually was. 

“Well, we’re friends,” she said, her answer more to Harry’s question earlier than Campbell’s. 

Campbell’s face broke out into an incredulous smile and he gestured between the two of them. “You two, friends?”

“Yeah,” she said lightly, “we had a really good debate season this fall and worked on a project together in - why am I explaining this to you?”

“It’s just interesting, I suppose.” He shrugged. “Seeing you two out here, all alone. And, like I said, _cozy_.”

Cassandra scoffed. “I don’t know why you find it so hard to believe we’re friends, but I guess you don’t see us together in class much or during any extracurriculars. That really isn’t your scene, is it?”

The slight dig at Campbell’s lack of academic prowess seemed to crack at his cool facade just slightly. “Whatever, I need to talk to Harry. So, kindly, fuck off.”

Now Cassandra knew that Harry very much did not want to talk to Campbell. Something about Campbell’s presence had unsettled him and as Cassandra had probably already ruined Harry’s night with her almost confession, she figured getting him out of dodge with her psycho cousin was literally the least she could do to make it up to him. 

“Afraid I can’t do that, we’ve got to head back inside.” Harry stood taller next to her and placed his hand on her lower back. It gave her the courage she needed to take on her cousin. “So, _kindly_ , fuck of.”

And without another word or glance back, her and Harry made their way over to the terrace door and away from whatever shady shit Campbell was about to get up to. 

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Harry said quietly once they had gotten back inside, but not quite back to the reception room.

Cassandra turned around to face him. He looked worried - not quite mad or scared - just worried. “We’re friends, Harry, okay? Proper fucking friends.”

“Okay, I just -” he shook his head and sighed, “I don’t want Campbell making trouble for you or some shit. He’ll just make this weird thing out of it.”

Why would Campbell make a weird thing out of her and Harry being friends? And what had Harry told Campbell about her on New Year’s Eve? Had Campbell been there when Harry had sent her those texts? Cassandra felt like she was missing a crucial piece of information. 

But she didn’t want to pressure him. In fact, she shouldn’t have pressured Harry with _anything_ tonight, especially her comment about what would’ve happened if she let him convince her to give them a shot that morning in Chatham. It hadn’t been fair of her to do that. Not when they were finally trying to move forward and be _friends_. 

“If you’re sure, Har.” He nodded succinctly and she gave him a soft smile in return. “Alright, well let me know if -”

“- I will, I promise.” He grabbed at the back of his neck awkwardly. “I should go, can I have my jacket back?”

“Oh, sorry!” She had forgotten she was wearing it. “Here.” Their fingers brushed against each others’ when she handed it over.

“Right, well, I should...” He smiled tightly and then set off down the hallway. 

He only got a couple meters before she called out to him suddenly. “Harry?” He turned around on his heel. “Friends?”

“Friends,” he repeated quietly and then turned around and went back to the reception room without another word.

As Cassandra heard the opening notes to a slower Taylor Swift song come across the speakers further down the hall, she forewent going back to the reception room. After their moment on the terrace, Cassandra didn’t think she could stand to see Harry dance with Kelly again. Instead, she went to check in with all the teacher chaperones to see if they needed anything else before everyone started heading home in a few minutes. 

See this she could handle: being in charge, thanking people for showing up, and helping them to their cars. If she kept doing stuff like this and kept busy, maybe no one would notice she was counting down the minutes until this entire night was over and she could finally listen to sad music and cry in her bed?

Hopefully prom would treat her better. Maybe she would even have a date.


	6. they told me all of my cages were mental so i got wasted [like all my potential]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone! so at long last, we’re at the march 9th entry. after this i just want to hug them both and write them being cute and soft again. like just the thought of it got me through writing this chapter, which a _bit_ heavy, so content warning (??) for excessive alcohol and drug usage/references.
> 
> let me know what you all think in the comments - thanks for reading!  
> x jordan

**_they told me all of my cages were mental so i got wasted [like all my potential]_ **

**Sat, Mar 9, 12:47 AM**

_Come outside_

_what?????  
where are you_

_I’m at Campbell’s in the driveway_

_Grizz texted me, said you were asking for me_

_come inside  
have a drinkkk_

_No, come outside_

_I’m taking you home_

_bossyyyyyy  
thought you liked it when i told you what to do  
don’t think kelly will like this  
me going home with another girl  
especially youuu  
but we don’t have to tell her_

_Harry…_

_ooooooo i got a harry…  
means you’re in a mooddd  
i’ll start what’re u wearing???  
u never tell me but it’s worth a shot_

_Just come outside_

_I really don’t want to come in_

_oh hot, i’ll be right there then_

_You know what I meant, please just come outside_

_fine but i want food  
dairy queen????_

_It’s too late, we’ll go to McDonald’s or something_

_Hurry up, my parents are gonna freak if they find out I’m not in bed and that I took the car_

_yes ma’am  
cuming sweetheart_

_I see you, why don’t you have a coat on???_

_You can stop shouting, it’s the navy Volvo_

\--------------

Cassandra idly tapped on the steering wheel while she waited for Harry to come outside. It looked like there was a proper party going on inside the Eliot’s house. Like people are going to be puking in the flowerbeds and hooking up in the upstairs guest bathroom, roll up the oriental rug type of party. Her aunt and uncle had gone away for the weekend on a twentieth wedding anniversary trip and left Campbell and Sam home alone. Which had been dumb, but whatever. Campbell was never one to shy away from throwing a party. He was also never one to shy away from _not_ inviting Cassandra. 

Grizz had texted her around twelve twenty, asking if she would consider picking up Harry. Apparently, he had been _incessantly_ talking about her to him and Sam. Grizz had said he would’ve brought Harry home, but he didn’t want to leave _Sam_ home alone with all of Campbell’s friends - which Cassandra mentally filed away as a topic of discussion for later, thank you very much Gareth. 

So, yeah. Here she was, idly tapping out a beat to some random Top 40 song on the radio. God, she was going to be in so much fucking trouble if her parents found out about this. It was way past her curfew. And she had taken her mom’s car... 

But it was _Harry_ and Grizz had sounded worried on the phone - even over text. 

_he keeps talking about getting ice cream with you?  
and how ‘fucking perfect’ you are?  
and how you smell like peonies? (do peonies have a definitive smell?)  
he’s like desperate to see you. it’s just me and sam with him, but we’ve had to stop him from calling you like five times already  
is there something going on with you guys?  
or was there?_

_Did he have a lot to drink?_

_yeah and he snuck off to the bathroom with campbell when i was talking to luke  
i’ve known something’s up with him, but haven’t said anything and feel like an idiot. he’s one of my best friends, i should’ve done something earlier_

_Fuck_

_And it’s not your fault_

_can you come pick him up? i’d bring him home, but i don’t wanna leave sam here alone with all this. and i think it would be good if he saw you_

Her thoughts snapped back to the present once she saw Harry pop his head out the front door and stagger down the Eliot’s front steps a few seconds later. He was wearing a black sweatshirt with a pair of jeans and sneakers, but no proper coat, like a fucking idiot. It was forty degrees out, he should be wearing a fucking coat. 

She sent him a text: _I see you, why don’t you have a coat on???_

It took him a moment before he got his phone out of his pocket and appeared to read her text. He looked around frantically. 

“Cassandra? Cass?” he shouted. 

She sighed and texted him again. _You can stop shouting, it’s the navy Volvo_.

Once he got her latest text, he started making his way down the driveway and past all the parked cars. A huge smile lit up his face once he finally laid eyes on her and he half ran and half stumbled over to the Volvo. 

“Cass!”

He had some difficulty opening the door, but eventually got it open and practically fell onto the passenger seat. His hair was beyond messy and his eyes were glassy. 

“ _Uber_ for Harry? Ya know, don’t think I’ve ever had such a pretty driver before? I’ll give you a good tip, I promise - oh, wait.” He patted his pants pockets frantically. “I don’t have any cash on me. But - _but_ I’m sure I could work something out for _you_ …”

“And _hello_ to you, too.” She smiled slightly, more worried than anything. He seemed drunker than she had thought. “You okay?”

He rolled his eyes dramatically and buckled his seat belt before Cassandra backed out of the driveway. 

“I’m fine,” he slurred. “Don’t know why Grizz made you come _all_ the way out here to get me.”

“Well, I heard you were asking about me and knew I just _had_ to make the trip,” she tried to keep things light. She also felt kind of shitty for how they left things earlier in the evening - with the texts about Kennedy and the guy his mom may or may not be seeing - and figured maybe she should eventually make some sort of attempt to clear the air. 

“Ahh yes, I was.” He nodded gravely. “But I ask for you a lot when I’m drunk and this is the first time you’ve come. Last time you did _not_.”

She frowned. “Last time?”

Harry’s eyes widened, like even in his drunken state he knew he shouldn’t have said that. “Uhh _no_. Not last time, there was not a _last time_. I do _not_ do this - _ever_. No ma’am.”

Not for the first time, those texts he sent her on New Year’s Eve flashed through her mind. Now she was certain he had been with Campbell. And had probably told Campbell about her. At least in some capacity. Which was, admittedly, not good. But at least Campbell’s shifty behavior at Junior/Senior was starting to make a little bit more sense. 

Regardless, she changed the subject. “You riding solo tonight?” 

Harry had mentioned Kelly when they had been texting earlier, but Cassandra knew Kelly could not have been at Campbell’s tonight. She wouldn’t have let Harry get this bad. 

He hummed. “Things haven’t been working out so well with me and Kelly lately -”

“- She probably doesn’t like how much you’ve been going out lately...”

She had noticed they were a little abrupt and standoffish with each other in school lately. But Kelly was a bit like Cassandra - she wouldn’t put up with this repeated behavior from Harry.

“That’s not nice.” He pouted and leaned forward to play with the radio and changed it to an oldies station. 

She shrugged and turned onto the final street out of the Eliot’s neighborhood. 

“It’s kinda true, though.”

“Fuck off,” he grumbled, but it didn’t have any bite and Cassandra was content to just brush it off. “Can we still get something to eat?”

She had promised him they could get some food - and he definitely needed some to boot - but they’d have to go to the town over or something. West Ham wasn’t exactly the type of place to have a twenty-four hour _McDonald’s_. In fact, they didn’t have any fast food or chain restaurants in town. 

“Yeah, I think so -”

But just as she was about to elaborate further, three police cars slowly made their way down the street going in the opposite direction and Cassandra only had one guess where they were headed. 

Harry pressed his face against the window and watched the cars drive by until they turned down the Eliots’ street. 

“Oh shit,” he dragged out. 

Her thoughts exactly. They were at a red light and she turned to face him. “You should text Grizz, give him a head’s up.”

“I gotchu, I gotchu. All good.” He had his tongue peeking out between his lips in concentration as he typed out a, hopefully coherent, message to Grizz. 

He slipped his phone back into the front pocket of his sweatshirt and Cassandra could faintly hear it jostle against something. But then the light changed and she had to focus on the road again. 

“So, did you narc?”

“No,” she tossed him a quick glance, “I don’t care that much. It was probably one of the neighbors.”

“Well, it’s a good thing you picked me up when you did then, isn’t it? This would’ve been my second strike - no, wait it would’ve been my,” he paused to count on his fingers, “third strike.”

Cassandra frowned. “What’d you mean?”

Harry let out an over exaggerated sigh. “You’re gonna yell at me…”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about, so how can I yell at you?” She glanced at him quickly before looking back at the road. “What happened with the first strike or whatever?”

“Well,” he dragged out, “I got in trouble at Jason’s a cupla’ weeks ago and then in November I kinda sorta maybe almost got arrested -”

“- What?” In her shock, she had almost veered over the double yellow line in the middle of the road. Thankfully, there hadn’t been anyone on the road. 

He pouted. “You promised not to yell at me!”

“I’m not yelling at you, I’m just - I already worry about you enough,” she said calmly, though inside she felt anything but. “You’ve never mentioned it.”

“Well, I don’t really go around telling everyone I’m a _delinquent_ ,” he over pronounced the word, “and like it wasn’t even _that_ big of a deal.”

She bit her tongue. It had to have been a pretty big deal if he almost got arrested for it. 

“What happened? And I promise not to judge you or yell at you or anything.”

She could see Harry looking at her out of the corner of her eye. He looked younger than he did a moment ago and appeared almost anxious. Like despite all her statements to the contrary, he was still worried she would judge him. Which she wouldn’t - at least not to his face. Internally maybe. And she would pray that he got a handle on whatever he was going through. She just wanted him to be safe and - she worried about him, okay? A lot. But she wouldn’t judge him. 

She briefly turned her head to give him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. “I’m not going to tell anyone, Harry. I promise.”

He turned away from her suddenly and rested his chin in his hand and looked out the window. 

“It was right after my dad -” he cleared his throat, “-uhh after my dad died. I went for a drive and I wasn’t drunk or high or anything, I don’t do that - I still don’t do that. And I was on the Merritt and I was just so fucking mad at my mom and _everyone_ and angry and I missed my dad and just fucking _drove_ until I was practically in New Haven, like right at the tunnel and - _fuck_.” He cleared his throat. “I was going 95 in a 55 and got pulled over. And the cop gave me so much shit about how I was going to be charged with Reckless Driving.”

He shifted in his seat suddenly and stared at his lap while he fiddled with his phone.

“‘Cause it’s like a speeding ticket or something if it’s under 85, but anything above is like a misdem - a _misdemeanor_? But I uhh talked my way down to a speeding ticket and spun all this crap about my dad and the cop bought it? He actually fucking bought it. Seventeen year old kid in a Maserati blubbering about his dead dad and how fucking unfair his life is and the guy fucking bought it? He felt bad for me and just wrote me a ticket for like three hundred dollars or something?

“But then I got off at the next exit, turned around and did 105 going home. And I just had this _high_ , I guess? Like I had finally gotten away with something and I just always want to feel like that again. And like I get all these fucking breaks and chances and then I just turn around and ruin everything. That’s what I do - every fucking time,” he finished. 

Cassandra realized her mouth was gaping open and she had been tightening her hands on the steering wheel the entire time Harry had been talking. 

She had driven on the Merritt enough times to know how absolutely fucking stupid what Harry just told her was. The Merritt Parkway was gorgeous and connected Fairfield County to the New York state line. But it was also treacherous with all its low overpasses, lack of shoulder, and dense tree lined median, to say nothing about all the sharp and tight curves and lack of lights at night. 

And Harry had been going one hundred and five miles an hour at one point? Did he have a fucking death wish? Because he could have gotten himself killed. Easily. 

And if driving school had served her right, Reckless Driving _was_ a misdemeanor in Connecticut. He could’ve had his license suspended or had this on his permanent legal record. He could’ve been properly charged and had to have gone to court. 

He could’ve _died_. 

He had been that fucking scared and overwhelmed and angry that he could’ve _died_. Just to feel something. And she had had no idea. 

God, how she wanted to hug him and hold him close and tell him that he _was_ good. And that he didn’t ruin everything. He just needed some help seeing that. But was it her? Could she actually help him? And further still, did he want her to help him? She still loved him, but did he ever love her?

Her eyes watered and she had to clear her throat before speaking. “Harry…” she said sadly, but he misconstrued it as censure. 

He threw his head back against the seat. “See, I fucking knew I shouldn’t have told you. You already think I’m a fuck up and now -”

“- That’s not true,” she said clearly. “I’m just worried about you -”

“- No, you already think I’m some kind of spoiled fucking asshole -”

“- I have _never_ thought that, okay? Ever.”

She reached over to grab his hand, but he yanked it out of her grasp and instead shoved it into his sweatshirt pocket and pulled out a water bottle, which definitely did not have water in it. He unscrewed the cap and brought it to his lips.

“Stop - Harry, no!” 

She tried to snatch the bottle out of his grasp, but since she was primarily focused on the road in front of her, it was easy for him to chug it. Or at least the three or so shots of vodka he chugged before the rest of it dribbled down his chin and got on his sweatshirt. 

“Sorry,” he said once he finished, “I didn’t know ya wanted any.”

“Give me that.” She grabbed the empty bottle out of his hands and shoved it between her legs. They would have to throw it away once they got to _McDonald’s_. She was not about to leave it in her mom’s car for her to find later.

“You’re gonna fucking drink yourself to _death_ if you keep this up -”

“- Shut the fuck up,” he slurred. His eyes were swimming with tears. “You don’t get to fucking say that, okay?”

“You’re seventeen, Harry! You can’t keep doing this shit every weekend - it’s not _you_. You’re not _my Harry_ -”

He scoffed. “- Fuck you. I don’t need a fucking lecture from you - _Little Miss Fucking Perfect_.”

She sighed and had to remind herself he didn’t mean it. He was drunk. And people said cruel, callous things when they were drunk. 

Regardless, they had just pulled into the parking lot and she really didn’t want to argue with him at the moment. He needed to eat something. The vodka he had drank in the car would be hitting his system soon and she didn’t have any idea what he had already drank - or taken - at Campbell’s. She shut the car off. 

“Come on, let’s go inside.”

They made their way into the _McDonald’s_ without any further issues and headed over to the register. There was a teenage couple and a man in a flannel and jeans reading _USA Today_ sitting at separate tables in the dining area, while a woman in scrubs was waiting for what was probably a coffee, but other than that it was relatively empty. 

Harry looked even more tired and drawn than he had in the car, where he had greatly benefitted from the soft glow of the passing street lights. There was a huge stain near the collar of his sweatshirt from when he had spilled the vodka earlier and his eyes were red and puffy. But more to the point, he looked tired and sad. So, _so_ fucking sad. 

She wanted to hold his hand, but figured he would brush her off again. Instead, she just asked him what he wanted to order. 

“Fries and an _Oreo McFlurry_.” 

An _Oreo McFlurry_ sounded exactly like something you probably shouldn’t have if you were drunk and high as fuck for fear of _seeing it again_ , but far be it for her to argue with him. 

Cassandra gave Harry’s order to the guy behind the counter and got some fries for herself, as well. When she reached into her pocket to get her debit card out, Harry stopped her. 

“Here.” He dangled his black card in front of her face. “Take it, come on. Don’t be a smart ass. You never used to complain when I’d buy you stuff.”

As she took the card from his hand, she noticed there was some sort of white residue along the edge. She tried not to dwell too much on what it was and wiped it on her sweatpants before inserting the card into the reader. Once she finished paying, the cashier gave them their receipt and they waited off to the left for their food. 

Harry kept glancing over at her, while she steadfastly watched the people in the back preparing their food. He was standing so close to her she could feel the heat coming off his body. 

“It’s like last summer. The two of us, getting ice cream.” She finally turned over to look at him and startled, seeing how close his face was to hers. 

“It’s nothing like that,” she said quietly. 

He made a face and matched her tone. “Well, not yet. My favorite part was always the after anyway. When we’d go over to my house and sit outside. You’d always still taste like whatever flavor you got that night.” She held her breath and subconsciously darted her eyes down to his lips. “And you’d make the cutest fucking sounds underneath me.”

Her stomach tightened and she blushed, but was saved from responding when their order was called. It was just as well, she had no idea what she would have said. Or done. 

They grabbed their food and headed over to one of the empty tables along the windows. Cassandra hadn’t wanted to eat the food in the car, which was why she had avoided the drive-thru in the first place and Harry probably hadn’t thought to ask otherwise. Hopefully, they wouldn’t be there too long and started eating in silence. 

It was tense, to say the least. But all the topics of conversation Cassandra wanted to bring up were each more contentious than the last. Should she bring up what Harry had said about them on the Cape? Or his drinking and how he needed to stop before he got himself hurt? She chose to start with the latter. They could talk about themselves another time. 

“You can’t keep doing this, Har. You know that, right?”

“I can do whatever the fuck I want, you don’t _own me_ ,” he said through a mouthful of fries. “Just like I don’t own you. You can go around and fuck that little twerp if you want, I don’t give a shit.”

She was completely thrown by the comment and felt her cheeks redden. Hopefully, no one had heard him. It was relatively quiet inside and the only other background noise besides the chatter in the kitchen was _CNN_ playing on low volume on the TV in the corner. 

“Wha-what?”

“ _What? What?_ ” he mocked. 

He crumpled up his fry container and threw it on the table and leaned back in his chair and started eating his _McFlurry_. He made a big show of licking the spoon clean before responding. 

“ _Gordie_. The kid’s fucking obsessed with you, practically pants after you in the hallway and then stares longingly at you in Euro. It’s fucking embarrassing -”

Her cheeks colored and she shrank back from him. “- I told you, weeks ago, that there’s nothing going on between us, we’re just friends - if that -”

He talked over her like he hadn’t even heard her.  
“- Like the other day when you were wearing that blue skirt? And were writing on the board in Spanish? Leaning over and conjugating those verbs or whatever? God, the kid practically came in his pants. Like he’d know what to do with you in the first place. He’d leave you all high and dry -”

“- Fuck you. You have no right to say any of that to me.”

Harry chuckled darkly and set his _McFlurry_ down on the table. 

“And you have no right to tell me what to do, isn’t that right sweetheart? You were always super fucking clear how you felt about me, like it wasn’t even worth your fucking time to actually break up with me. All I got was ditched on a fucking beach and then some shitty text saying that you _just need time_ -”

Their voices were getting progressively louder and drawing the attention of the other patrons. Cassandra interrupted him before he could say anything further. 

“- You really need to get over that, okay? Yes - it was _unbelievably_ shitty of me to do that, but I’m fucking sorry, okay? I can’t change what happened - trust me, I’ve thought about it and how much I fucking regret it, but -” 

“- And now you’re trying to tell me how much you fucking care about me and how you’re worried about me, like you haven’t been judging me the entire time, thinking you’re better than me? No - _no_ , fuck you.”

He got up abruptly and took his trash off the table before storming over to the bin and then out the door.  
The couple people still sitting inside gave her curious looks as she just sat there, dumbfounded for a moment, before she did the same and chased after Harry. 

The door had barely closed behind her when it seemed like she was already halfway to the car. Harry was just standing there, looking both lost and small in the dimly lit parking lot. Cassandra crossed her arms over her chest and stood about ten feet away from him. 

“So, you wanna do this now? You wanna do this here? Fine. You think just because your dad died, it gives you an excuse to behave like this? Well, newsflash asshole, a lot of people have to deal with grief and loss and they don’t fucking drink themselves into a stupor every weekend or get high as fuck whenever they want.”

Harry had the decency to look slightly ashamed, but Cassandra kept rolling on ahead. 

“And what does Kennedy think about this? What do you tell her when you come home drunk every Friday and Saturday night? Do you even care if she sees you like this? Or how I know you fucking snapped at her this afternoon with all that stuff about your mom and that guy -”

He scoffed. “- Don’t fucking talk about my mom -”

“- You’re mad at your mom and you’re taking it out on me, like you used to do when we were Juniors. And you’re so fucking hot and cold with me when all I want to do is fucking _help_ you, but you don’t want to admit it. Admit that you need someone -”

Harry stepped closer and shook his head in disagreement. “- I don’t need anyone, least of all you.” 

That made her stop her pacing and she just stood in front of him, her mouth gaping open as her eyes filled with tears. 

“So, you’re just going to get high with Campbell every weekend until you go to college? _If_ you go to college - especially at the rate you’re going?”

He laughed darkly and took a step towards her. “You know, _Cassandra_ , it’s always shit like this - your fucking nagging and lecturing - that makes me glad you’re not my fucking problem anymore.”

That was the last fucking straw. Because they were always going to be each other’s _fucking problem_. That was just who they were. They were Harry and Cassandra. And long before they had been together last summer, they had been _something_. Whether it was friends, adversaries, classmates, rivals - they had always been _something_. Always toeing the line between love and hate. They were always going to be each other’s problem - even after they graduated and left West Ham. There would always be that invisible bond between the two of them. They meant too much to each other. 

She knew it and he knew it - no matter how drunk and bitter and angry he was. With this in mind, Cassandra wiped the tears out of her eyes and cleared her throat before speaking. 

“You wanna know something? I was finally coming around, I was finally ready back in October. We were kind of friends and school was going well and I thought, you know maybe we can do this? Maybe it’s time for me to stop being such a fucking coward? Who cares what everyone thinks? It’s just me and Harry - because that’s all that matters, really.

“But I was too late and you got back together with Kelly - which is what I knew was going to happen. How do you think that made me feel, Harry? That the moment I was finally ready to tell you everything and stop being such a fucking coward, you got back together with the girl who’s everything I’m not and everything I had been comparing myself to the entire time we had been together?“

She didn’t wait for him to respond. “It felt like _shit_ and it still feels like shit - everyday. And in spite of it all, in spite of you being _glad_ that I’m not your _fucking problem_ anymore, you and I will go and do stuff together like dance when no one’s watching at Junior/Senior or hook up during debate practice - or those fucking _texts_ you sent me on New Year’s Eve. No one has ever said something to me that was simultaneously so fucking _sweet_ and so fucking sad. And then to find out that Campbell was somehow involved and you were high? No, Harry, it feels fucking _awful_. 

“Seeing what I could’ve had if I wasn’t such a fucking coward and just told you everything. It feels like you’re punishing me sometimes and I just _hate it_ and thinking about how nervous and insecure I was - and for what? For you to say that you’re glad I’m not your _fucking problem_ anymore? You are always going to be my _fucking problem_. Everything you do and say is going to be my _fucking problem_ , especially since you are drowning in this, Harry. You’re _drowning_ in your grief for your dad. And in spite of it all and how much you push me away, I still fucking care about you and lov - you know what?” 

She stopped pacing suddenly and looked him head on. His eyes were red and puffy from crying again and he had big, fat tears streaming down his face, while his chest was heaving, like he was out of breath. He looked completely _broken_. 

“No, you don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve to hear this because you’re not even going to remember any of this tomorrow and you’re just going to do this again-”

Suddenly she heard a strangled cry - like a sob - and she belatedly realized it had come out of her mouth. Harry slowly approached her, his eyes wide. 

“C-Cass?” He reached out to touch her arm and she shrank back. 

“Don’t fucking touch me.” She put some distance between them and rubbed her eyes. “You call and I come _running_. But you always treat me like shit afterwards for caring about you. And I know I am far from perfect and have messed up in my own ways, but I’m not gonna do this anymore if this is how you’re gonna treat me -”

“- Cass, come on, sweetheart -” he pleaded. 

Her face crumpled at the nickname and she shook her head. “- Get in the fucking car.”

“Cass, please -” he said clearly and for the first time tonight, he sounded completely sober. But it only made her cry harder. 

“Just get in the fucking car, Harry.”

\--------------

She could tell he was crying on the way home. She didn’t dare glance at him for fear that she, herself, would further dissolve into tears - blotchy, snot running down her nose, tears. Instead, she kept her eyes on the road in front of her and tried to ignore the fact that her heart was breaking all over again. 

They were almost at the Binghams’ house now. Their street was heavily wooded, the dense foliage only broken up by the three other houses nearby. They were only a couple hundred feet away when Harry spoke suddenly. 

“Pull over.” She glanced at him, unsure of why he was asking when they were so close to his house. “Cass - I have to -” 

_Fuck_. He was gonna be sick. 

She practically slammed on the brakes and pulled over to the side of the road. Harry threw open his door as the car was still rolling to a stop. He barely got a couple feet off to the side of the road when Cassandra heard the tell tale sound of retching. Without a second thought, she opened her door and skirted around to the other side of the car. 

He was bent over with his hands on his knees as he expelled whatever he had eaten and drank that night onto the side of the road. In a brief moment of respite, Cassandra rubbed her hand up and down his back and made shushing noises, hoping to calm him down. Though he initially startled at her touch, he eventually leaned into it, breathing hard for a moment before he threw up one final time. 

After a moment for Harry to catch his breath and wipe his mouth with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, they got back into the car without another word. 

The side door light was still on when they finally got to the Binghams’ house, but Cassandra couldn’t tell if Harry’s mom was home. There didn’t appear to be any cars in the driveway, though they could have just been in the garage. She shifted the car into _park_ and turned to face Harry, who was staring out the windshield, not really looking at anything. 

“Can you text me tomorrow? When you wake up? I wanna make sure you’re okay.” 

He nodded twice and then got out of the car without another word. Her face crumpled and she rested her head on the steering wheel. She suddenly remembered all the times Harry had dropped her off last summer and how he always made sure she had got inside. It felt like a lifetime ago. And she knew she could never just leave him like this. 

With a shuddering breath, she wiped the tears from her eyes and got out of the car to follow after him - just to make sure he got in bed alright. Up ahead, it looked like he was having some trouble with his key. He dropped it with a sigh and was just bending down to pick it up when she made her presence known. 

“Here.” She picked up the key for him and then inserted it into the slot.

Harry frowned and swayed on the spot as he walked through the now open door. “I could’ve done it.”

“I know,” she said softly, “Come on, let’s get you upstairs.”

Cassandra shut the front door quietly behind them and then started helping Harry make his way upstairs. She didn’t bother to take his shoes off, they could do that once they were in his room. It was slow going at first since Harry kept shoving her arm off his shoulder.

“Leave me alone, I can do it myself,” he slurred, but he tripped and would have fallen face first onto the stairs had Cassandra not been holding him.

They silently made their way down the hallway towards Harry’s room and Cassandra was reminded of the last time she was here - right after Harry’s dad had died and he had taken her by the hand to his room. His room looked very much the same, even lit only by the moon peeking through the windows curtains. 

“Here.” She directed him to sit on the edge of his bed and then she bent down on her knees to take his shoes off. “You should brush your teeth and have some water, too.”

He just nodded and made his way towards his _en-suite_ bathroom. After fumbling around in the dark for a moment, he found the light switch and the room was suddenly bathed in harsh light. He winced and then shut the door in her face. 

A few moments later, she could faintly hear the hum of his electric toothbrush, amongst other things, and pointedly tried to focus on something else. She should really text Grizz and let him know Harry was home. 

She whipped her phone out of her sweatpants pocket - sending a quick prayer of _thanks_ that she didn’t have any frantic texts from her parents or Allie asking where she was - and scrolled through her messages until she found her thread with Grizz and fired off a quick text. 

As she was closing out her messages app, she was hit with another thought and scrolled through until she found the contact she was looking for:

_Hey, can you keep an eye on your brother tomorrow for me and have him text me when he gets up? I just brought him home from a party and want to make sure he’s alright._

She hit send without another thought and slipped her phone back into her pocket. And then, a moment later, Harry came out of the bathroom. He just stared at her for a second, like he couldn’t believe she was still there, and then made his way over to his bed. Cassandra watched as he took his sweatshirt off and threw it across the room and then did the same with his jeans, so he was just in a white t-shirt and his boxers. 

He flopped down onto his bed, not even bothering to get under the duvet, and burrowed into his pillow. Cassandra took a couple tentative steps towards him and perched herself on the edge of the bed, right in line with Harry’s stomach. 

“Do you have any _Gatorade_ downstairs?” she asked quietly. She couldn’t stop herself from running a hand through his hair. 

He grumbled into the pillow. “In the ‘fridge.”

She sighed and got up, almost saying _don’t move_ , though she knew it was pointless. She was careful not to make too much noise as she crept downstairs to the kitchen, not wanting to wake anyone up. 

The _Gatorade_ was exactly where Harry promised it would be and his favorite flavor - light blue - to boot. For good measure, Cassandra also got some crackers for him to eat right when he got up in the morning or even later that night in case he got hungry. She then made her way back upstairs, still not quite believing she was traipsing around Harry Bingham’s house at almost two thirty in the morning. 

_Fuck_ \- she was going to be in so much trouble when she got home. She had planned on telling her parents the truth - or at least some version of it - in the morning. That she had to pick up a friend at a party. But she didn’t want to get caught before she was ready to tell them. 

It didn’t look like Harry had moved during the brief time she was gone, though he did let out a sigh of relief when she shut the door behind her. Even in the dark room, she could see there was a bottle of _Tylenol_ already on his nightstand and took out two capsules and unscrewed the cap on the _Gatorade_ for him. 

“Here,” she said quietly. “You should take this now, get it in your system.”

He tilted his head up to look at her. His eyes were swollen and still wet with tears, but he eventually sat up and took the pills from her hand, swallowed them and then took a huge sip of the _Gatorade_. With a sigh, he laid back down and curled up into a ball. 

He looked so small and scared laying there. She didn’t want to leave him, but knew she would be in so much trouble with her parents if she stayed over - coming home at almost two thirty was bad enough. 

She sat on the edge of the bed and ran her fingers through his hair again. His forehead still felt a little clammy, probably a side effect from when he got sick earlier. 

Why did she always give him so many second chances? He could say such hurtful things to her and she would come back. Despite her vow earlier, she knew she would always come running when he called. He needed help. 

“I don’t think I’m ever gonna be _your Harry_ again,” he said suddenly. He sounded small and broken and _young_. 

She was confused for a moment until she recalled she had said that earlier. It had been cruel and callous of her.

“That’s not what I meant. I shouldn’t have said that. You are always going to be _my Harry_ and I will always be there for you, as long as you want me,” she said, but it was like he hadn’t heard her. His eyes swam with tears that eventually made their way down his cheeks. 

“But you didn’t even fucking want me when I was _good_. When I was all put together and perfect - like you. So, why the fuck would I ever believe you want me now? Because maybe this is it? Maybe this is the best you’re ever gonna get with me? And maybe this is all I’m able to give? I’ll end up just like my fucking dad, just like my mom always says.”

She brushed away the tears running down her cheeks. “Har, that’s not true. You’re so much more than that.”

“It doesn’t always feel like it.” He rolled over, so his back was facing her. “But it doesn’t matter, I won’t remember any of this in the morning anyway. That’s why I always do this in the first place.”

And at that moment she realized, and not for the first time, how much she loved this boy. This _stupid_ , beautiful boy. And it killed her inside to know that he no longer thought himself strong enough to say _no_ to this terrible addiction and dependency and finally accept that things really weren’t okay. He needed help and Cassandra would try her best, but she wasn’t equipped to do it. He had to want her help. He had to want to change. 

So, for now, she was going to kiss him on the forehead and tuck him into bed and pray to god that tomorrow he would wake up and decide to make things right. Because she loved him. And she couldn’t bear to see him go through this again. 

\--------------

**10:19 AM**

_sorry again about last night  
i don’t know why grizz called you_

_You have to sort your shit out Harry_

_i really don’t care cassandra_

_I’m worried about you_

_don’t think you get to be worried about me anymore sweetheart  
pretty sure you’ve always been real fucking clear about that part of our ‘relationship’  
frankly shocked you didn’t just leave me out in the driveway  
oh wait no, that’s not your mo  
you normally ditch people on the beach, soooo sorry about that oversight  
kindly, fuck off_

_Fuck you_

_I didn’t have to come and get you last night but I did because I still care about you for some stupid fucking reason. You scared the shit out of me last night and I worried about you for hours afterward and was this close to staying over because you were that fucked up. So you don’t get to say I don’t “get to be worried about you” anymore. Next time you want to get drunk and high out of your fucking mind, don’t ask for me if you’re going to belittle me the next day for giving a shit about you Harry_

_Just don’t fucking text me, okay??_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah, guess where harry’s going next chapter?


	7. pouring my heart out to a stranger [but i didn’t pour the whiskey]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which harry tries very _very_ hard to make the best of a really bad situation and maybe (kind of) succeeds.
> 
> thankfully, he’s got the world’s best little sister and some really great friends (and an awesome therapist), so he’s gonna see this through. in the meantime, this is a bit heavy again (content warning for discussion of drinking, anxiety, and depression - a phq-9 test is taken verbally). also, i am very much not a therapist, so i might’ve played a little fast and loose with authenticity in the name of narrative here. BUT we’re on an upward (and admittedly very cute) trajectory from here on out. next chapter’s gonna be some new texts which may or may not take us through to new ham depending on how i split them up!!
> 
> anyway hope y’all like it and don’t forget to comment - thanks!  
> xjordan

_**pouring my heart out to a stranger [but i didn’t pour the whiskey]** _

Harry did not wake up on Saturday morning a changed man. 

Instead, he woke up angry and hungover and pissed off as _fuck_ that he let Cassandra Pressman see him be that vulnerable last night. He didn’t remember everything that was said, but the stray fragments he did recall were definitely not some of his finest moments.

He remembered crying - a lot.

And yelling - a lot.

And getting sick - a lot. 

And then there was the look on her face - her fucking perfect, beautiful face - in the parking lot when he reached out to her. To tell her to stop beating herself up and that he really wanted to remember everything she was saying to him. Because it seemed _really_ important and he hated seeing her cry. But the anger and sadness and disappointment in her eyes and the tears streaming down her face when she turned to him stopped him in his tracks. 

_Don’t fucking touch me_. 

That he remembered perfectly. 

How they got up to that point, he probably couldn’t tell you. But he remembered that. He would remember that for a long time to come. 

He also remembered her tucking him into bed and running her fingers through his hair and being so soft and tender and _kind_ to him - even when he had been such a fucking asshole to her. How he had told her he was a fuck up and he was never going to be _her Harry_ again. 

Because he didn’t want to be. It was so much easier for him to be an asshole and pretend not to care and _remember_. Remember everything and how good his life was before his dad died. 

And Cassandra knew him as _that Harry_. And she liked him as _that Harry_. She didn’t like him as _this Harry_. 

He frowned and looked around for his phone. Figures Cassandra plugged it into the charger before she left. And she left him some _Gatorade_ and two more _Tylenol_. Why did she have to be so fucking perfect and kind? To _him_?

He winced at the bright light suddenly coming from his phone and saw that it was just after ten o’clock and that he had a bunch of texts waiting for him. There were a couple from Campbell telling him how much he owed from last night; _six_ from Grizz asking if he got home and how he was feeling, which like Harry loved the guy and everything, but it was kind of Grizz’s fault he was in this mess with Cassandra, so he wasn’t about the ease his guilty conscience just yet; and two from his mom in the group chat between her, him, and Kennedy, saying she was at an event at the senior center for work and was going to be back around two o’clock. 

He was about to fling his phone across his bed and go back to sleep for the next however many hours when he remembered Cassandra had wanted him to text her. In fact, she had been very adamant that he text her when he woke up. He remembered how soft and sweet she had been with him last night when he was in bed. And then how much of an asshole he had been to her. So, he was embarrassed and caught up in self pity and bitterness and was maybe a little bit more curt in his text than he should’ve been.

_sorry again about last night_

_i don’t know why grizz called you_

She texted back instantly. Knowing Cassandra, she had probably been up since eight. 

_You have to sort your shit out Harry_

He snorted. Well, good morning to you, too.

_i really don’t care cassandra_

He always liked to say her name when he talked to her - texted her, whatever. It made it more personal. But her next response shot all thoughts of goodwill or cheekiness out the window because who was she to judge him? He remembered that part of last night perfectly. 

_I’m worried about you_

_don’t think you get to be worried about me anymore sweetheart_

_pretty sure you’ve always been real fucking clear about that part of our ‘relationship’_

_frankly shocked you didn’t just leave me out in the driveway_

_oh wait no, that’s not your mo_

_you normally ditch people on the beach, soooo sorry about that oversight_

_kindly, fuck off_

He saw the little text bubbles appear and then disappear and then finally:

_Fuck you  
I didn’t have to come and get you last night but I did because I still care about you for some stupid fucking reason. You scared the shit out of me last night and I worried about you for hours afterward and was this close to staying over because you were that fucked up. So you don’t get to say I don’t “get to be worried about you” anymore. Next time you want to get drunk and high out of your fucking mind, don’t ask for me if you’re going to belittle me the next day for giving a shit about you Harry  
Just don’t fucking text me, okay??_

His eyes watered. He deserved it. He knew he deserved it. This was why he liked to get fucked up in the first place. Because he would never remember anything that he did the night before and none of his friends really gave him much shit the next day or cared enough to check in on him - except Grizz and Kelly sometimes when he wasn’t an asshole to her.

And then there was Cassandra, who had shown him some basic human decency and he took her kindness and the fact that he _knew_ she still cared about him and threw it in her face. Like the fucking asshole he was. 

Fuck, fuck - _fuck_. 

He wanted to yell, scream, cry - anything. Anything that would make him feel better - feel _something_. Because he was so fucking tired of feeling like this - angry and mad and _depressed_. And like some cruel twist of fate, his stomach rolled and he practically ran to the bathroom. 

He threw up until his throat felt raw and prayed that it would make him feel better. That his chest would stop heaving and he would stop crying and everything would just _stop_. 

When there was nothing left in his stomach and the tears had dried on his face, he rested his cheek against the cool tile and just laid there on the bathroom floor. For a couple minutes, for an hour, who knows. He laid there until it no longer felt like the room was spinning and then he somehow managed to crawl back into bed, praying that he would fall back asleep. 

And forget. And forget. And forget. And forget. 

\--------------

Sometime later, Harry heard his bedroom door bang open, but he just burrowed back under his covers. It wasn’t his mom - she wouldn’t even have bothered to check on him - so it had to have been Kennedy. 

“Oh? Look who finally decided to wake up?” she sniped. 

He sat up slightly and rubbed his hands over his eyes, trying to ward off the last remnants of a fitful sleep. “Fuck off.”

Kennedy made a face and then walked over to his windows and threw open the curtains. “Umm no?”

The light shined into the room, completely ruining the brooding atmosphere he had become so fond of lately. 

“Listen, I’m not in the mood. So, please _please_ just fucking leave,” he said with a wave at the open door. 

But she didn’t. Because _of course_ she didn’t. Were all younger siblings this annoying or was it just his? His pesky, fourteen year old sister, who had no respect for personal boundaries. 

But who had checked in on him. Even when he had been an asshole to her. 

Kennedy meandered around his room, not so silently judging the piles of clothes that had accumulated on his floor the past few days, in addition to the plethora of water bottles and _Red Bull_ cans on his desk and nightstand. Miss Margie, the family housekeeper, wouldn’t be pleased with him when she came over to clean on Monday, but Harry would rather deal with her wrath the next time he saw her than actually clean up. 

“Mom’s still not home,” Kennedy said suddenly, which got his attention though he still didn’t acknowledge her beyond a grunt. She moved to sit on the edge of his bed, tucking one leg under her and letting the other hang off the side. 

“Are you hungry?” she asked, not looking at him, instead focusing on a pile of clothes on the floor in front of his desk. 

“No.”

She nodded twice and then turned her head to look at him, like she was searching for something, and he wanted to shrink under her gaze. And then, suddenly, her whole body crumbled and she let out a sob. His eyes widened in surprise and he just sat there dumbly while Kennedy tried to compose herself. 

“I just - I love you so much, Harry. You’re my big brother and - I’m always worried about you now, but I can’t tell anyone because I don’t want to get you in trouble and you won’t talk to me about anything you’re going through and if you do, you’re mean to me and I just want to tell you it’s going to be okay, but I don’t know how because I’m not sure -” she broke off with a sob. 

He leaned forward and rubbed his hands up and down her back. “- Hey, shhh, it’s alright, Ken.”

His legs were bent awkwardly and he wrapped his arms around her while she cried into his chest. God, she felt so small and fragile and _young_. He remembered when he went to visit his mom in the hospital after Kennedy was born and how three year old Harry had thought the same thing: she was small, fragile, and young. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her then and he didn’t want to hurt her now. She was his little sister and he hadn’t been a very good big brother lately. But that was going to change. He had to get better for Kennedy. For Cassandra, Grizz, Kelly, his mom, his grandparents. 

He had to get better for himself. 

He pulled her closer and she squeezed him back in response. They just sat there together for a moment. Kennedy’s sniffles eventually subsided, but she was still clearly upset. 

“I heard you come home last night,” she said after a while. He tensed, but she didn’t appear to notice. “And I saw Cassandra before she left. She had texted me to check on you this morning and I was already up because I - well, I had a nightmare. I get those a lot now - but I was already up when you guys came home and then I kind of snuck up on her when she was about to leave. 

“And she looked so sad, Harry, and she didn’t really tell me anything except to keep an eye on you, but I’m not stupid. I know what you do every weekend. You drink and get high and then sleep it off and do it all over again next weekend.”

Kennedy pulled back out of his arms to look up at him before he could wipe his eyes, which had filled with tears again. 

“And I don’t get why you do it all to forget. Dad isn’t coming back and no matter how much you drink or drugs you do, you’re not gonna feel like he’s down the hall. I do _everything_ I can to remember him because one day I’m not going to be able to. I won’t remember that he put ketchup on his eggs or that he made us wake up four hours early to go to the airport. And I don’t want to forget stuff like that. It’s already bad that my - god, I can’t believe I’m saying this but - boyfriend or husband or kids won’t know him and that one day I’ll forget what he sounds like, but why do you want to forget he’s gone?”

She probably hadn’t been expecting a genuine answer, but he gave one nonetheless. 

“It hurts less,” he said quietly. 

Kennedy shook her head. “No, it hurts more because you still think he’s coming back. For that brief moment you think he’s coming back.”

His shoulders sagged. When did his kid sister become so fucking smart? “What the fuck, Ken -?”

“- Oh, it’s not me. Doctor Sandy helped me out with that one. She’s smart - and pretty cool.”

Right. Her therapist. Maybe that’s what he needed? A therapist. Someone to talk to - like really talk to and get some advice or closure or something. 

Harry had never liked burdening his friends or family with his problems. That just wasn’t how he was wired. The Binghams were WASPs - they were almost as notorious as the British for maintaining a stiff upper lip. 

But he wanted Kennedy to come to him if she was having nightmares. He wanted her to feel like she could come to him with anything again. Like if she thought mom was seeing someone or if she wanted to go to the movies together. If she wanted to get ice cream or play tennis on the weekend. But he hadn’t done any of that. He hadn’t been to any of her tennis matches this year and they hadn’t gone to the movies together since last fall. They hadn’t really _talked_ in ages, despite living in the same house.

He gave her a watery smile. “I’m sorry, Kenny.”

His dad’s old nickname for her slipped out and instead of dissolving into tears like he had thought she would, Kennedy just smiled.

“No one’s called me Kenny in months - no, it’s okay,” she said when he started to apologize, “I missed it.”

And then she leaned in to hug him tightly, like she didn’t want to let go. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on top of her head. Her hair tickled his face slightly and her knee was digging into his shin painfully, but he wouldn’t trade this for anything. 

He didn’t _want_ to trade this for anything. He wanted to be around for shit like this - for a long time to come. So, he had to do something. For Kennedy and Cassandra. And for him. Make things right - even if one of the first steps would wind up being the hardest. 

“Maybe I’ll go?” he said after a moment. 

Kennedy shifted beneath him, but didn’t pick her head up. “Where?”

“To therapy. See someone.”

“I think that would be a good idea,” she said diplomatically and he snorted. 

“Well, I mean it was partially your idea.”

“Like most good ideas in this house…”

He rolled his eyes though she couldn’t see. “Fuck off,” he teased. 

“You’re a jerk and you smell,” Kennedy said against his chest. He pinched her side in response and she squirmed. “Oww.” She pushed him away and then messed up his hair. “Take a shower and then I’ll make you lunch.”

Harry looked at the clock on his nightstand and noticed that it was just after one. His mom would be back soon and it would definitely be better if he was out of bed by the time she got home. He’d have to talk to her about all this at some point, too. But maybe that could wait until tomorrow? Or Monday? He was still kind of mad at her for what Kennedy saw on Friday with her and that guy. Who was he? And was it romantic? Or had Kennedy misread the situation?

With a sigh, they both got up and started to go their separate ways, Harry to the bathroom and Kennedy downstairs, when he called out to her. Her hand froze on the doorknob and she turned around slowly. 

“Thanks, Ken - really.”

She shrugged. “Now you just gotta make things right.”

He smiled wryly once she slipped out the door. _Make things right_ \- easier said than done. 

\--------------

The rest of the weekend was relatively uneventful in comparison. Harry watched three movies with Kennedy - he let her pick - on Saturday and his mom even joined them that night to watch Kennedy’s final pick. They hadn’t really sat and hung out together, just the three of them, in months. It was nice, even if they didn’t really do anything beyond talk about the movie. It was enough to just be there together. 

And then on Sunday, he finished all his homework before noon and watched golf for four hours and studied for a Euro test he had on Tuesday. In between all that, he made plans to talk to Grizz tomorrow during study hall - they had texted and Grizz said they were _cool_ , but Harry still felt like they needed to actually talk things out - and talk to Kelly sometime this week, especially after she texted him saying she had something to tell him. The two of them had been drifting apart and their relationship was more platonic than anything romantic, as of late. They hadn’t even had sex since that weekend in January when her parents were out of town. 

Something about it had been off anyway - like they were both out of sync with each other. Kelly hadn’t really said anything necessarily bad about it, but they had both just laid there in silence afterwards, like they hadn’t known what to say to each other. He had kissed her since, obviously, but nothing major. And like Grizz and Cassandra, she hadn’t exactly been thrilled about his weekend activities as of late, but hadn’t really pressed him beyond a passing comment to be careful. The last party they had actually gone to together had been Jason’s after Junior/Senior and he had actually been pretty coherent for that. 

It seemed like she was hiding something from him - he was too, so he didn’t really have a leg to stand on to censure her - but he loved Kelly. Maybe not in the way he should as her boyfriend, but he loved her and wanted her to be happy. She deserved to be happy and so did he - they would just be happier as friends.

Friday night into Saturday morning had been a breaking point - in so many different ways. He didn’t necessarily want to say it was _rock bottom_ or anything like that, but it was pretty damn close. He already made good with Kennedy, was almost there with Grizz, was planning on talking to Kelly this week, and was going to talk to his mom that night.

But he still didn’t know what to say to Cassandra. Of course, he would see her at school on Monday and be with her practically the entire day, but _fuck_ \- what was he going to say to her? She had asked him not to talk to her and he didn’t want to disrespect her wishes. It seemed like the least he could do for her. So, maybe he’d give her time? Start small, work his way up to an apology with her. He wanted to talk to her in person - he was always better in person. There were too many ways for a text to be misinterpreted or for the conversation to preemptively end. But he knew he would probably wimp out and send her a text or something.

Making things right with Cassandra would be the most difficult and one of the things he _really_ wanted to get right. So, he would wait until he found the right words. In the meantime, he had a plan. 

_Kennedy: done_

_Mom: tonight_

_Grizz: Monday_

_Kelly: this week_

_Cassandra: ?_

He felt oddly optimistic and even a little proud of himself - like some sort of fog had been cleared from his mind. He was starting to see a couple feet in front of himself again and not just blindly going through the motions. It felt good to have a plan - even for something as depressing as breaking up with his girlfriend or asking his mom if she could sign him up for therapy.

Harry put down his phone and looked at the clock on his desk. It was just after nine. He had gone upstairs after dinner, saying he was going to study a bit more, but had really been writing out his new plan on his phone. But he couldn’t put this off anymore, he had to talk to his mom now if he wanted her to be able to call for an appointment tomorrow. 

It was just that he was nervous. He didn’t want his mom to judge him or get mad at him for not coming to her with his problems first. For letting them build up so much that he felt like he was drowning and feeling nothing and everything at the same time. Timidly, he got up from his desk and made his way towards his parents room down the hall and hoped his heart would stop racing by the time he got there. 

It would be fine. It would be okay. Kennedy had done it - he could, too. With one final deep breath, he rapped his knuckle against the doorframe. It was just a formality, the door was wide open and the lights on the nightstands were still on. 

He peered his head inside and saw his mom laying down in bed with her laptop propped up on her lap. He idly noticed she still slept on one side of the bed and it made him sad.

“Mom?”

She looked up from her laptop and smiled. “Hey, I’m just finishing up this speech for tomorrow.” He nodded and properly made his way into the room, but didn’t sit down. “What’s up?”

“I uhh - could you make me an appointment?”

She put her laptop off to the side and looked at him with concern. “Are not feeling well? I can call Doctor Campbell’s office tomorrow, see if they can sneak you in?”

Well, technically _no_ , he was not feeling well, but not in that way. He shook his head. “Uhh n-no,” he wracked his hands and looked down at the floor, “can you make me an appointment like Kennedy has? Like to see someone - or talk to someone, I guess?”

“Oh.” She sunk back against the pillows. She looked a little bewildered, though not necessarily mad or anything. “Yeah, of course - I just didn’t know you were -”

“- Y-yeah, I think it would be good for me now - I uhh, I mean -” but the look on his mom’s face, combined with all the emotions he had been working through that weekend proved too much and his eyes filled with tears. He tried to blink them away, but more just fell down his cheeks. 

His mom was out of bed in an instant. “Oh, honey, it’s okay.” 

She wrapped her arms around him and suddenly he forgot that he was supposed to be mad at her - for maybe seeing someone else so soon after his dad passed away and forcing Cornell on him and not caring that he was clearly _drowning_ in his grief. Because he just wanted a hug from his mom and to be comforted by the sweet smell of the lotion she always wore and the way her body enveloped him when she hugged him, even though he was taller than her.

“I just miss dad,” his voice came out muffled against her, “and I know it’s been like four months, but I still feel awful and like - I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

Eventually, he calmed down and his mom stilled the hands that were rubbing soothing circles on his back to hold him at arms’ length. 

“I’ll call tomorrow morning, okay? They have a bunch of different _counselors_ at your sister’s place, so I’m sure someone will be a good fit.”

He nodded and wiped his eyes. “Yeah, okay.”

“Alright?” She smiled. “I’ll let you know when I get you in and we’ll go from there.”

“Yeah, okay - thanks.”

And then, feeling a little embarrassed, he pulled back from her and started towards the door. 

But her voice stopped him before he could go any further. “I just wish you’d told me you’d been feeling like this. It’s not good to bottle these feelings up.”

He sighed, knowing this was coming. “Sorry, I didn’t -”

“- It’s okay. I’ll call tomorrow.” And she left it at that. 

\--------------

The next morning, Harry made his way to B block study hall with a pit in his stomach. Normally, he sat with Grizz - and sometimes Cassandra and Helena - at one of the circular tables by the windows and did any homework they put off over the weekend or just fucked around. But that was for Monday mornings when Harry hadn’t been a dick to his best friend the previous weekend. 

The library was still relatively noisy as he made his way inside, the chatter from passing time not quite settling down yet. He signed in with his student ID and then looked for Grizz at their usual table. He let out a sigh of relief when he saw he sitting there - alone - with his books and homework already out on the table. 

“Hey…” Harry said quietly as he approached. Not sure if he would be allowed to, he didn’t sit down just yet.

Grizz looked up from his Chemistry book. “Hey…”

Luckily, there weren’t too many people around - most people tended to sign out the _ChromeBooks_ right when the period started - and weren’t sitting at the tables near them yet - so Harry could speak candidly.

“Listen, I uhh - I just wanted to say sorry for this weekend. I was probably a dick and have been for a while with stuff like that, so I just wanted to say sorry - again.”

He tightened his hands on his backpack straps while he waited for Grizz to say something. Grizz had been one of Harry’s friends since kindergarten in that way that popular, rambunctious boys often band together, but they hadn’t become proper friends until about sophomore year when they both started taking honors and AP classes. 

In fact, one of the things that Harry admired most about Grizz was the fact that he wanted to get out of there - out of West Ham. And leave all the shitty high school politics and the football team and stupid parties behind. He was a better influence than Harry had probably ever given him credit for and one of the people he would actually miss once they graduated in a couple months. So, it was important that Grizz forgave him. 

“Thanks, man,” he said finally, “but it’s cool - I mean, I know I haven’t really been there for you lately beyond -”

“- No, you have and not many people have and I’ve probably taken advantage of that.” Harry cut Grizz off and sat down in the chair across from him, not even stopping to take off his backpack. 

“You haven’t, seriously.” Harry leveled him with a hard stare and Grizz sighed. “Fine, maybe a little...”

Harry looked down at the table and fiddled with his dad’s ring before speaking again. “And I know you’ve had stuff going on too and I haven’t really returned the favor, so yeah - we good?”

Grizz was silent for a moment and Harry worried that he had overstepped. Even though he had been distracted with his own shit lately, he had noticed that Grizz was clearly going through something, as well. He had stopped hanging out with most of the guys on the lacrosse and football teams and had started volunteering at the library or something after school. He was still the same Grizz, just a little more reserved. But after a moment of consideration, a smile slowly crept across his face. 

“I mean, you’ve always been a dick…” 

Harry kicked him under the table, but Grizz dodged him. “Fuck off.”

“But yeah, we’re good, Har - I promise. I’m just worried about you.”

He had to change the subject - before he did something completely ridiculous like start crying or blubbering in the middle of the library. It seemed like he had done nothing but cry for the last three days. Guess that’s what four months of repressed emotion did to someone. 

“So, did the cops actually show up? I saw everyone talking about it in the group chat on Saturday.”

Grizz winced. “Yeah, thanks for the heads up - no, seriously, the text helped - like people were going crazy and hiding out in the backyard and the basement. And then Sam and I found Becca Gelb - you know, Sam’s friend - in Campbell’s room of all places and the three of us kind of just hung out until the stuff with the cops settled down. Sam made Campbell deal with it - they called their parents - and then the cops just told everyone to go home. No one got breathalyzed or written up or anything.”

That was normally how parties went in West Ham: the neighbors would call the cops if a party was still going on after twelve thirty and then the cops would come over and disperse everyone. If things were really bad or if anyone was belligerently drunk, then they might write you up and have your parents come pick you up. But that was only if things were really bad. 

That was one of his strikes, actually - the one from Jason’s a couple weeks ago. The first was, of course, the whole speeding and almost getting arrested thing. He actually remembered telling Cassandra about that the other night, which was beyond humiliating. She had told him otherwise - a couple times, if he recalled - but despite her assurances, she probably still thought he was a fuckup. Maybe he should talk about that in therapy? The almost getting arrested thing - not the being a pathetic mess in front of his ex-girlfriend thing. 

He turned his attention back to Grizz. “That’s good - sucks for Campbell - but not as bad as it could’ve been. At least for you guys.”

“Seriously, it was the text. Good thing you left,” Grizz teased. 

Harry rolled his eyes. “Glad something positive came out of me getting blackout.”

“I didn’t mean it that way…”

“I know,” he sighed. “How bad was I? I don’t remember a lot of it.”

“I wouldn’t say it was _bad_ , at least not at first,” Grizz said carefully, “but there were a couple points when I thought you were going to break out into iambic pentameter about why Cassandra Pressman had the most perfect shade of blonde hair. Or how she smelled like peonies and sunscreen - no sunshine. Sam thought it was pretty funny.”

Harry groaned and looked around to make sure no one had heard them. Seriously? Sunshine and peonies? It was true, obviously. But the fact that he told Grizz about it? And Sam Eliot? A kid he had barely talked to, but was Cassandra’s _cousin_? Fuck. He felt his cheeks flush and he changed the subject. 

“I didn’t know you guys were friends - you and Sam.”

He could have imagined it, but he could’ve sworn Grizz blushed. Like actually blushed. 

“We both volunteer at the library - Becca, too.” 

Harry hummed, but didn’t say anything further. There was something going on there. Grizz didn’t seem to want to talk about exactly what _was_ going on yet. But there definitely was _something_ going on. 

“And does Sam think I’m a fucking asshole?” he quipped instead. 

Grizz smiled. “Nah, he was entertained by you. Especially when you thought talking louder would get him to hear you better -”

“- Fuck me, really?” he groaned, a little too loudly for the school library. 

They both looked around and after realizing no one was paying attention, Grizz spoke again. 

“You were nice about it though, said the only thing you knew how to sign was _fuck off_.”

Harry made a face and would’ve slammed his head down onto the table if he thought it wouldn’t have caused a scene. “Great.”

“But then you went off with Campbell and when you came back you were _different_. Like sadder or something?” That was when he took some _Xanax_ from Mrs. Eliot’s medicine cabinet and Campbell charged him a ridiculous amount of money for it. “And that was when I called Cassandra because you were just so _sad_ , I guess? I don’t know how else to put it. And you wanted to see her so badly.”

Unbidden, Harry scanned the library for Cassandra’s blonde hair. He hadn’t noticed her walk in, but when she wasn’t sitting with him, Grizz, and Helena during study hall, the girls could often be found at the cubicles in the stacks. Sure enough, he craned his neck and saw her sitting with Helena. Much like him and Grizz, their heads were bent together and they definitely weren’t doing any homework. 

Grizz noticed where he had been staring and cleared his throat. 

“Is there something going on between you guys? Or was there? I know it’s not really my business, but you kept talking about her on Friday and like you guys are both my friends, so I guess I’m just curious?”

Harry twisted his mouth and glanced over towards Cassandra again. Should he tell him? It was Grizz, afterall. He was his best friend - best guy friend. If anyone would get it, it would be Grizz. Grizz who knew them both separately and together through the good times and bad. 

Maybe he could even give him some advice? For example, what the fuck was he going to say to her - if she even wanted him to say something to her? She had told him not to talk to her anymore - which he guessed he kind of deserved - but still. Luckily, he’d gotten through Spanish earlier unscathed, but on Mondays they had six classes together. It couldn’t last. 

“Yeah,” he said after a moment. “But it’s over now, it’s been over for awhile - since school started. Plus,” he chuckled sardonically, “I was a dick to her this weekend, so I’m probably the last person she ever wants to see or talk to right now.”

Grizz conceded a nod. “Yeah, but she still came to pick you up. And she still texted me on Saturday morning telling me you got home safely, so whatever you said to her couldn’t have been that bad -”

“- I basically threw the fact that she cares about me in her face and belittled her for it and then she told me some stuff about how - anyway, she told me not to text her anymore and I don’t want to make things worse, so no - just no,” he finished forcefully. 

He knew Grizz meant well, but really it would be better in the long run if he gave her some time. He didn’t want to overwhelm her and make it worse. Because then he might lose her forever and - well, he didn’t want to think about what he’d do if that happened. Nothing good, at least. His world would be a lot shittier without Cassandra Pressman in it. 

“Okay,” Grizz said after a moment. “Just think about it - saying something or apologizing - okay?”

“I will,” he said quietly and Grizz nodded. 

“Good, now will you please help me with the Chem homework?”

Now that, Harry could do. “Yeah.” He finally took his backpack off and rifled around for his Chemistry folder. “Here.”

They spent the rest of the period working through the Chemistry homework and then going over their notes for the Euro test they had on Tuesday. And slowly, the pit in Harry’s stomach lessened a little bit knowing that he had his best friend by his side. 

Now he just had to talk to Kelly. 

\--------------

Luckily, debate practice had moved to every other week since the season heavily favored the fall, so Harry wouldn’t have to stomach discussing the prison industrial complex in America with Cassandra until the following Tuesday. 

Further still, he was given another respite on Wednesday when Mrs. Drennan canceled play rehearsal for a last minute doctor appointment. He had casually mentioned the canceled rehearsal to Kelly on their way to Calc and she had practically jumped on the opportunity and asked him if they could hang out after school and _talk_. 

So, they were going to _talk_. 

Harry was nervous, despite wanting to do this and wanting to end things - but it wasn’t like him and Kelly were toxic or they fought all the time or anything like that. They just weren’t on the same page with each other. He loved her, he was always going to love her, but he just didn’t love her the way he should. Like Grizz, Kelly would be one of the people he actually missed after graduation and would more than likely still keep in touch with her.

But they didn’t need each other anymore. Not in that way. They hadn’t needed each other for a long time. And, apparently, Kelly had felt the same. 

“- Wait you wanna break up, too?”

They had barely gotten into the Binghams’ - thankfully - empty house when Kelly dropped the proverbial bomb on him. Harry hadn’t even had the opportunity to offer her a snack or anything yet. His coat was still on - and his backpack. 

Kelly winced. “Yes - and I know you’re going through some stuff right now, but I really think it would be better if I was just there for you as a friend?”

She had wisely taken her coat and shoes off right away when they walked into the house and now Harry just looked like an idiot. 

He was too dumbfounded to talk for a moment and instead took his coat off before flopping down onto the couch. Kelly soon sat beside him and leaned her body towards him. It looked like she wanted to reach out and grab his hand, but she held back.

“I’m sorry, Harry. But I think it’s a good idea. We haven’t been on the same page for a while now and - wait, did you say _too_? As in you want to break up, too?”

He just nodded. “Well - fuck,” she said. Harry chuckled at her blunt choice of words and Kelly soon joined in. 

“I don’t know, it’s just been kind of -”

“- Safe?”

“Yeah - normal, I guess - being together. Especially with all the stuff this year - for both of us.” He frowned at that. Kelly had been going through something, as well? Great, now he felt even worse. 

“Shit, sorry. I didn’t even realize - well, maybe I did, but I just didn’t want to see it.”

She shrugged. “It’s okay, nothing as major as you, but I really think this is a good thing for both of us. We can be friends, if you’d like?”

Another person might have scoffed at that - at the idea of being friends with your ex-girlfriend - proper friends, mind you. But to Harry, it sounded really nice. Him and Kelly had basically been friends for the past few months, baring a couple heated make up sessions on the couch and once in his bed. They hadn’t even had sex since that weekend in early January when her parents went out of town and they were already into March. 

Neither of them had really wanted to and Harry was content enough not to push it. He felt guilty about it. For the way he had basically bragged about it to Cassandra that night she went to the movies with Kennedy. She looked sad when he told her. She had tried to hide it, but she looked really sad. 

Suddenly, he remembered something she said to him on Saturday morning about how she regretted how she handled things between them. 

_Seeing what I could’ve had if I wasn’t such a fucking coward and just told you everything. It feels like you’re punishing me sometimes and I just hate it and thinking about how nervous and insecure I was - and for what? For you to say that you’re glad I’m not your fucking problem anymore? You are always going to be my fucking problem._

She had been about to say something else, something important, when she cut herself off. Harry pursed his lips. He wanted it to come back to him, he wanted to know what she had been about to say. But thinking of Cassandra had reminded him of something he had wanted to do for a while now and he gave Kelly his full attention again. 

“Yeah, friends would be good.” Kelly smiled at him softly. “But I want to tell you something first.”

And then she frowned. “Okay…”

Oh, fuck. There was no going back from this, he only hoped she didn’t hate him. Not when they were going to be friends again. He took a deep breath and avoided eye contact as he spoke. 

“So uhh, a couple months ago - back in December - I kinda cheated on you once…”

He felt simultaneously relieved at finally telling her and like shit for probably hurting her feelings. Beside him, Kelly hadn’t said anything, so he started rambling. 

“I’m really sorry, I felt like shit afterwards - she did, too. And it just happened once and she actually got really mad at me for it - I don’t know if that helps, but yeah. I’m really sorry, Kel.”

Kelly just sat there for a moment, seemingly processing everything. Despite them not quite being wholly in love with each other, it probably still hurt her feelings. 

“Who was it?” she asked softly. 

“It just happened once, I just kissed her and I know I shouldn’t have, but I was just so-”

“- Who was it, Harry?” 

And for a moment, he thought she knew exactly who it was. There was something in her eye, a little glint that told him she had her suspicions and had had them for a while now. 

“Was it that girl? The one from the Cape?” 

Oh. She didn’t know or she knew, but not the whole truth. He bit his lip and nodded once succinctly. And then, the strangest thing happened. Kelly turned towards him and shot him an almost teasing look. 

“You know, when I first saw that picture of you guys last summer on Kennedy’s _Instagram_ story, I wasn’t super pissed about it like everyone thought. I was just a little drunk when I saw it and you looked so _happy_ with her - and she looked really pretty, even from far away. And then I texted you, just being legitimately curious - and then Gwen or someone saw me looking at the picture again and it kind of spiraled. So, I hope it wasn’t too bad when you came back? I know we never really talked about it, but I always kind of worried that my text that night messed something up between you guys since you never talked about her when we got back to school and then we started seeing each other again a few weeks later.”

He hated how right she was about everything. The text definitely did cause him and Cassandra to end things because Cassandra definitely had gotten spooked about what people would think at school. It didn’t make what she did any more okay - especially since she made the decision without consulting Harry - but he had started to see why she had done it. 

“It was a little bad,” he said eventually, “She saw the text, actually - it was an accident. But she had been a little surprised that you texted me since she knew we had broken up. So, after she saw it, she thought it would be good to take a break and cool down. But then we got back together - you and me - and that was it.”

Kelly looked at him curiously, like she knew _something_. And if she didn’t know exactly who it was, then she at least had her suspicions and they were probably correct. 

It was funny, Kelly and Cassandra had always gotten along. Even when Harry had been a dick to Cassandra junior year, Kelly had always stood up for her. He wouldn’t necessarily classify them as _friends_ or anything, but he figured they would work well together on a school project or something at the very least. 

“Well,” she said carefully, “if you still talk to her, maybe you should let her know what you’re going through? Seems like you guys had something last summer.”

He shot her a look. “You’re being too calm about all this.”

That got a chuckle out of her. “What? You want me to call her a bitch or a snake for making out with my boyfriend? It was probably your fault anyway,” she said wryly. 

Again, she wasn’t necessarily _wrong_ about that. Because it had one hundred percent been Harry’s fault that he kissed Cassandra. He knew in his bones that she would never have been the one to instigate anything, especially since he had been with Kelly. It was also his fault that he danced with Cassandra at Junior/Senior and that he had thought about her constantly - which was probably almost as bad as making out with her in an empty classroom during debate practice. 

“It was,” he said carefully, “but still, I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair of me to do that to any of us.”

“Well, thanks. Apology accepted.” She nodded and they just sat there in silence for a bit until Kelly suddenly cleared her throat. “But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I kinda did too - once…”

Harry’s mouth gaped open and he turned his head to look at her, but she refused to meet his eye. It wasn’t that he was mad at her, he was just legitimately surprised. 

“What - when? Where?”

She scrunched her nose. “On one of my college visits a few weekends ago…”

Alright, something wasn’t adding up. “But I thought you went to Wellesley a couple weeks ago?”

“Yeah…”

He frowned, trying to think this through. “But that’s an all girls school - _holy shit_ ,” said when the realization finally dawned on him. 

Kelly threw her hands over her face. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I’m just so confused and you already had so much going on and I didn’t want to bother you and like it only happened once -”

“- No.” He pulled her hands away from her face. “It’s not your fault. I’ve just realized how shitty I’ve been lately since I didn’t even notice.” 

First Kennedy, then Grizz, and now Kelly? God, he had been so wrapped up in his own fucking problems he hadn’t noticed what some of the most important people in his life were going through. His mind briefly flitted back to Cassandra - what was she hiding from him?

Beside him, Kelly flopped down onto the cushions and let out a groan. “Ugh, this is just all so confusing - like do I like girls, do I like guys? Do I like both? I don’t know.”

Harry shifted in his seat to face her. It was kind of nice to focus on someone else’s issues for a change. He wasn’t exactly the most woke person in the state of Connecticut, but even he knew it was alright to like girls and guys. 

“You can like both if you want? There’s nothing wrong with that.” Kelly just grunted against the pillows. “Have you talked about it with anyone else?”

She turned her head to face him before replying in a small voice, “No, you’re the first person I’ve told.”

Oh - that was kind of sweet. He felt himself blush and laid down beside her on the couch, so they were shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, thigh to thigh, laying on their backs. 

“I won’t tell anyone,” he reassured her. 

He wouldn’t. It wasn’t anyone’s business besides Kelly’s. But a small part of him did like that she felt she could tell him something like this - even after all they’d been through the past couple months.

“I don’t even know if there’s something to tell people yet…”

“It’s not their business,” he said plainly. Kelly just hummed, staring up at the ceiling fan. “You still talk to her? Wellesley Girl?”

Kelly shot him a look. “You still talk to Cape Girl?”

Okay, fair enough. “Mmmhmm.”

“Ugh, yes, fine. We send each other DMs on _Instagram_ and text every now and then - she was super cool and confident and I was very much _not_ ,” she finished lamely. 

Harry smiled. “You’re pretty cool, too, Kel.” She rolled her eyes. “But I’m glad you told me, it probably felt good to tell someone.”

“It did, actually,” she sounded surprised. 

“And since we’re going to be proper friends, you can tell me about stuff like that.” 

Regardless of whatever label Kelly did or did not want to put on herself, Harry vowed her would be there for her no matter what. Her parents weren’t exactly the most _progressive_ people in town, so she would need all the support she could get. 

“Thanks, but could you do me a favor?” He gave her an encouraging look. “Could we not tell anyone about us, at least for a little while? Like if someone asks directly, we can mention we broke up, but I don’t really want to deal with everyone’s questions and stuff - especially my mom and dad…”

Harry figured this was the least thing he could do for Kelly. It wasn’t anyone else’s business anyway. 

“Ah man, I had my _Instagram_ break up post all planned out,” he joked. She nudged his shoulder. “But yeah, we don’t have to say anything.”

She smiled gratefully. “Like you can tell Grizz - or Cape Girl…” He shot her a look. “I’m kidding - only if you want to.” 

“Maybe…” 

He was going through enough changes over the next few days, maybe he would put off telling Cassandra, at least for a little while. Kelly let out a chuckle in return and they both laid there for a moment, enjoying each other’s company. He turned his head to face her and she did the same. 

“I’m going to therapy,” he said suddenly. 

“What - really?” He hummed. “That’s good - I think that’ll be really good for you.”

He huffed out a laugh. “God, I fucking hope so.” 

“Well, text me if you wanna talk after. I think it’s really cool you’re going.” 

She laced their fingers together and he felt himself getting oddly emotional. Was that how it was going to go on Monday, too? That was the date his mom got for his appointments - Mondays. Start the week off strong. 

“Yeah, I think it’ll be okay.”

“I know it will,” Kelly said firmly. 

And Kelly always had a sixth sense about stuff like that so, for now, he was going to believe her. 

\--------------

Despite feeling better after talking to Kelly and Grizz, it was finally Thursday afternoon and Harry still hadn’t said anything to Cassandra beyond what was required for their quick skit in Spanish - which was entirely _en español_ and about how to navigate the metro system in Madrid - as well as a muttered _sorry_ after she bumped into him in the hallway and hadn’t realized it was him.

He felt awful. And he knew she felt awful, too. 

He could feel her staring at him sometimes: in class and in the hallways and at his locker - which was conveniently just down the hall from hers - or when Mr. Prast picked him to put one of the homework problems on the board in calc or when he got up to sharpen his pencil in Lit or even when he stared right back at her during lunch. He could always tell when she was watching him and it made him think she wasn’t quite as mad as she professed over text on Saturday morning.

She looked sad. And hurt. And he missed her. 

He missed doing homework and studying together during free period or bickering during debate and play rehearsal - both of which gave him near unlimited opportunities to openly stare at her and contemplate how pretty she was. He missed the way their eyes would lock across the room in amusement when Lexie would make off color comments in Euro or the way Cassandra would lean across his desk in Spanish to correct his past subjunctive verb conjugations. 

He missed her. A lot. 

So, by Thursday afternoon, he was ready to finally talk to her and tell her how sorry he was. And that he hated himself for what he said to her - both in the early hours of Saturday morning that he still couldn’t entirely remember and when he woke up hungover and pissed off at the world and she was the best target for his ire.

They had just gotten out of Euro and Cassandra had scampered out of class before he could ask if she wanted to walk to their lockers together. Normally, he packed up before last period so he could make his way directly to the student parking or to whatever extracurricular he had that day, but he knew she always went to her locker before going home. 

And sure enough, there she was. Her locker door was open, so he couldn’t see her face, but he was still afforded a decent view of how good her ass looked in her jeans. She was wearing that pink top again - the one from that day during debate practice all those months ago. Of course, she had worn it since, but it felt a bit serendipitous that she was wearing it today. But when she closed her locker seconds later, she was wearing her jacket and looked about ready to head out.

She looked surprised, though not necessarily upset to see him. “Oh - hi.”

“Hey,” he said finally after they had just been standing there, staring at each other, for a moment. He felt like he was out of breath. 

The hallway felt too quiet all of a sudden even though it was only two minutes after the final bell had rang. He looked down at his feet briefly before meeting her eye again. Now that he was in front of her, his mind suddenly went blank and he couldn’t recall anything he had wanted to say to her.

“So - umm, I’ve wanted to talk to you for a while now, but also wanted to give you some space. So, do you - uhh - do you have a minute?”

She tucked her hair behind her ears, which was something he knew she only did when she was nervous, and nodded. “Yeah, sure.”

His throat felt dry and he cleared it before speaking - and also to buy him a moment to collect his thoughts one final time. 

“I’ve been trying to think of what I’ve wanted to say for days and how sorry I am and that you didn’t deserve -”

“- There you are, we’ve been waiting - oh.” 

_Fuck_. Of course they would be interrupted - and by Cassandra’s sister no less. He barely held back a groan and closed his eyes for a moment. After finally finding the right words and being so close to telling her, her sister had to ruin it.

_You didn’t deserve what I said to you last weekend and I’m sorry I made you cry and made you doubt how much I care about you because sometimes I think you’re the only one that gets me and I kind of love that about you and I just want us to be friends again._

Cassandra shook herself and turned to her sister, who was looking at them both expectantly. “Sorry, Harry and I were just - we were just talking about -”

She faltered again and he chimed in to appease her increasingly suspicious sister. 

“- We were just talking about the play. Wanted to make sure Cass - uhh _Cassandra_ wasn’t slacking on memorizing her lines just because we didn’t have rehearsal this week.”

While her sister just rolled her eyes at his comment, Cassandra’s shoulders relaxed.

“Right, anyway. You ready to go?” she directed at Cassandra. 

“Yeah, sorry.” She smiled at her sister and then turned towards Harry. “I’ll see you later? We can catch up later.” He just nodded and then the two girls set off down the hallway, until Cassandra turned around. “You know, I don’t think I’m the one who needs to practice…”

He bit his lip and smiled. “You’re the one with more lines…”

Her mouth gaped open and she fully stopped walking. “You counted?”

“Of course I counted.” He shrugged. “I was pretty pissed at first until I realized you’d have to do more work - again.”

She just smiled and shook her head. “See you later, Harry.” He shot her a mock - and only slightly condescending- salute and then she caught back up with her sister. 

“What the fuck was that?” he heard her sister mutter before Cassandra shushed her and glanced back over her own shoulder. 

He didn’t hear Cassandra’s reply, but her cheeks were flushed as their eyes locked and he let out a little chuckle and kept his eyes on her until she was out of sight. 

They were going to be okay. They were going to be fine. 

He just had to do something else to apologize - since this didn’t really count. It was a start, though. It broke the ice for something deeper and more meaningful later on, but more importantly, it made him believe she would forgive him, so they could finally work their way back to each other. 

\--------------

In continuing with his never ending forgiveness tour, Harry took Kennedy to the movies on Friday night. It was two fold - Kennedy had been begging him to see this _Disney_ movie with her after all of her friends professed they had aged out of them _and_ it gave him an excuse not to go to the party in honor of the lacrosse team’s win against Darien. 

It was already a bit weird, but having the weekend free - or at least free from partying and getting drunk and high and then trying to sleep off his hangover the next day - was kind of nice. Granted, he knew that this was only the first in a long - _long_ \- string of weekends he would have to power through until school ended, but he never wanted to feel like he did last weekend again. 

Ever. 

And he never wanted anyone he loved to feel the way they felt last weekend either. 

So, yeah. The _Disney_ movie he saw with Kennedy was really cheesy and a bit lame, but it was nice hanging out with her again. Hearing about how annoying her friends were lately and how well she was doing with tennis so far that season. 

He kept thinking about how well Cassandra would’ve fit into their plans that evening. How she would’ve listened intently to Kennedy’s problems and offered advice in that way of hers that left no room for argument, but also made you feel like you were the only person in the room. Or how she would’ve stolen some of his _Junior Mints_ even after she made fun of him for eating them and how she and Kennedy would have picked a perfect playlist for the drive. 

But she wasn’t there. 

Still, the evening had been a success and he and Kennedy were finally on their way home just after nine thirty. They had managed to avoid the elephant in the room for most of the evening - for most of the week, actually - but Kennedy must’ve been emboldened by their lack of adult supervision and the easy banter they had fallen back into over the course of the evening and brought _it_ up: his therapy session on Monday. 

“Are you excited?” Kennedy asked, practically bouncing in her seat beside him. 

Harry frowned, but kept his eyes firmly on the road ahead of him. They were on the Merritt. He wasn’t speeding, but he had to be conscious of staying at the speed limit the entire time. It helped that Kennedy was in the car with him. 

“Don’t know if excited is the right word…”

“Anxious?” He tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “It’ll be fine, seriously. Have you done the questionnaire thing yet?”

He pursed his lips. “Hmmm, not yet…”

“You have to do it before you go, you know. So, they know what kind of crazy they’re dealing with.”

“I have till Sunday night to do it,” he snapped. 

Kennedy held her hands up. “Just saying and you have to be honest about what you write on it - seriously, Harry. That’s the most important part.”

That was why he hadn’t done it yet. He didn’t know what to write because he didn’t really want to think about it. While he had only been _good_ for less than a week, he still felt like rehashing everything - even on something as innocuous as the new patient inquiry form _Doctor Lola Sato, PsyD_ had sent him on Thursday - would make him relapse or fall back into bad behavior or something. 

Which was dumb. He was literally going to therapy to rehash everything - his drinking and drug use, his shitty relationship with his mom, and his dad’s death to name but a few things he was currently working through. 

“You’re one of the questions,” he said instead. 

Kennedy sat up in her seat. “I know,” she said smartly. “They ask if any of your family members are currently patients at the practice.”

“Hmmm.”

They also asked some other pretty basic stuff:

 _What issues and concerns are you wanting to address in psychotherapy at this time?_ Well, the fact that his dad died four months ago and he still didn’t know how to process his grief in a healthy manner was probably a good start. 

Or - _What precipitating life or relationship event is prompting you to want to speak with a professional currently?_ The fact that he basically went on a bender last weekend and was shitty to his ex-girlfriend/best friend and told her he was happy she wasn’t his fucking problem anymore would probably be a good start. Oh, and the fact that his mom was probably seeing someone and he _occasionally_ abused prescription drugs. He always forgot about those two little tidbits - or he was doing his best to forget about them, however you wanted to spin it. 

The words would come eventually and he would be honest. Maybe not quite so honest that he would scare away Doctor Lola Sato, PsyD before he even met her. 

“Fine, don’t answer my question - brood.”

“I’m not brooding,” he quipped. He had the feeling she would’ve shoved his shoulder had he not been driving. 

Kennedy snorted, but changed the subject. “Do you think mom will let me get anything tomorrow or is she just focused on the Harry sympathy train?”

He legitimately chuckled, surprised at her comment. “You could probably get at least something out of her, just make sure it’s expensive.”

“Oh, I’m planning on it.”

They were going to the city tomorrow to get him fitted for a tuxedo for prom. It was still just under three months away, but his mom had been insistent on the fact that he wasn’t going to wear a rented tuxedo, calling it _common_ , whatever that meant. 

Apparently, she thought it was a good investment, what with him going to college next year and everything. He thought it was a waste of money - he couldn’t think of one reason he would have to wear a tuxedo in college that didn’t revolve around a stuffy alumni event or something similar that he definitely wouldn’t want to go to - but she had looked so excited when she brought it up the other day that he hadn’t wanted to argue with her. And then Kennedy asked if she could come along and it evolved into this whole thing. 

So, the three of them were going to New York tomorrow to go shopping and then get brunch at the family’s favorite restaurant. Obviously, they hadn’t gone since before his dad passed away, but Harry was kind of looking forward to it. _Sarabeth’s_ was relatively near his dad’s old _Goldman Sachs_ office in Battery Park and sometimes when Harry was younger, the three of them would meet his dad in the city for dinner and then head back to Connecticut together afterwards. 

Harry also hadn’t been to the city since before his dad passed away. Back in September, the two of them had driven down one Saturday afternoon so his dad could do a couple things in the office he hadn’t been able to do at home. Despite having no desire to go into finance, Harry had always loved going into work with his dad. His dad’s corner office had massive floor to ceiling windows that looked right out at _One World Trade Center_. The other Managing Directors all preferred to have offices facing the river, but his dad liked to watch the _WTC_ go up over the years after 9/11, saying it made him truly appreciate all he had every time he looked outside. 

Harry wondered who had his dad’s office now? If they had changed the furniture or still had Ms. Mary Ellen as a secretary? Were they young? Did they have kids who came into the office and hung their pictures up on the walls and made pillow forts with the couch cushions while their mom or dad worked?

He also wondered how his dad would feel about him going to therapy? Would he be proud of him? Would Harry even be going to therapy if his dad was still around? Probably not. But he liked to think his dad would be proud of him for making this decision. He just hoped he could continue to do the right thing. 

\--------------

Whatever Harry had been expecting from Doctor Lola Sato was promptly thrown out the window when he peeked his head into her office for the first time on Monday afternoon. It wasn’t that he thought she would be _old_ , per se. Her name was _Lola_ , for Christ’s sake, he knew she wouldn’t be _old_. He just hadn’t thought she would be so _young_.

She looked like she was in early thirties and had dark brown, almost black, hair that hit just below her shoulders and she was wearing a professional, but comfortable looking dress. Once she heard the door open, she looked up from her desk and gave him a kind smile, before crossing the room to greet him with a handshake. 

“Harry, nice to see you.”

He nodded and felt like a little kid on the first day of kindergarten as he stood before her, still wearing his backpack and coat. “Th-thanks, you too.”

“Why don’t you have a seat while I get myself situated?” She gestured towards the couch to his right, which was across from two plush armchairs and a little table. She sat in the one on the left and picked up a pen and a _Moleskine_ notebook. 

The couch looked comfy and was velvet - _pink_ velvet - and he sat down. He idly noticed his navy blue backpack - which he had leaned against the couch along with his _Barbour_ coat - looked terribly out of place in the cheery office. While Doctor Sato got settled, he looked around aimlessly. And there was a lot of stuff to look at - posters, books, artwork, plants. It wasn’t what he had been expecting. Harry cleared his throat. 

“So, do I call you Doctor Sato or...”

“Whatever you prefer, Doctor Sato, Doctor S, Doctor Lola - Doc,” she said kindly. 

Everything about her was _kind_. If anything, she seemed too kind. He probably needed the tough love approach. Maybe she wouldn’t be a good fit for him? 

On the whole, Harry’s interactions with therapy had been relatively limited to TV and movies in the line of _Good Will Hunting_ and _the Sopranos_. In fact, one of his dad’s favorite movies, _Ordinary People_ , was about how this kid went to therapy after his older brother died. It was good, but stressful and _charged_ and the therapist definitely hadn’t had _Legos_ stacked on a little table in the corner of his office. He peered over Doctor Sato’s shoulder. Was that a _Strokes_ poster on the wall? Just how old _was_ she?

It felt rude to ask her directly how old she was, so he tried a leading question. “Do you just work with kids? Or do you see adults, too?”

“Mainly kids, but I see young adults, too. High school and college students and whatnot. You’re probably getting ready to hear back from schools soon, right?”

“Uhh yeah, next couple of weeks.” 

Actually, Ivy Day was coming up soon - this Thursday, actually - but he didn’t want to go into that yet. Either he would get into Cornell and his mom would write out his deposit check to secure his place that night or he would get into where he really wanted to go and pray she saw reason. It was closer to home, she’d have to like that at least. 

Across from him, Doctor Lola - he was going to call her that, at least in his head - was clearly waiting for him to say something further, but moved on after the silence stretched on for a beat too long. 

“So, just some logistics before we really get started. This session will mainly be for us to get to know each other and go over some background information, such as why you wanted to come in today.

“And I want to say that we don’t have to do Mondays, I have some availability later in the week, too. But your mom mentioned that Mondays right after school might work best? She said you had debate practice on Tuesdays and that play rehearsals would pick up soon, so Mondays would be our best bet?”

Harry just nodded, frankly a bit surprised his mom remembered his schedule so well. 

“Yeah, that works. We never have rehearsals on Mondays even right before the show and then debate always kind of slows down in the fourth quarter for school, so…”

“What play are you doing?” she asked, not missing a beat as she wrote something down. 

“ _Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead_ ,” he didn’t try to hide his scorn. 

Doctor Lola tilted her head. “Don’t think I know that one.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” he found himself joking. “It definitely wasn’t anyone actually in drama club’s pick. I think they got the script cheap and went with it. It’s based on _Hamlet_.”

“ _Hamlet_ fanfiction?” Cassandra had said the same thing and his lips twisted into a wry smile. “And are you Rosencrantz or Guildenstern?”

“Rosencrantz. Cassandra’s Guildenstern. She has twelve more lines than me.” 

Apparently, Doctor Lola found something about that interesting because she wrote a note down before asking her next question. “How long have you been acting?”

He scrunched his nose in thought. “Uhh since I was little? I had a stutter when I was younger and my parents thought it would help me grow out of it. That’s why I do debate, too, I guess.”

“And those are both your favorite extra curriculars?” She waited until he nodded to jot down a note. “You think you’ll do either of them in college?”

“I’ve thought about it - well, at least theater,” he said carefully. 

Doctor Lola smiled. “There’s a story there.”

Harry started to fiddle with his ring before he realized Doctor Lola would probably make a note about it in her little notebook. 

“Err yeah, I guess. My uhh - my dad and I used to go on college visits together - it was our thing since my mom really wants me to go where she went, but I _really_ don’t want to go there since Ithaca is like hell frozen over - no offense if you’re like from Ithaca or went to Cornell - I mean, I’m sure it’s a good school, but like -”

So much for not telling her about that and then probably insulting her. Thankfully, she had a sense of humor. 

“- You’re good, I went to Vanderbilt for undergrad.” 

Sure enough, there was a bachelor’s degree diploma from Vanderbilt University above her desk, along with one for a doctorate from Boston University. He would make a mental note to check the year on it at a later session. He shifted in his seat before speaking again. 

“Oh, right - cool. But uhh, it was kind of our thing to do all the college visits together and the last one we went on was where I really wanna go. And my dad was the one who said I should maybe give it a shot - acting in college. But like I doubt I’ll get in there - they have this really good history program, which is what I want to major in - but the drama program is, like, really intense and prestigious, so I don’t know if I would do that, but maybe like a club or a society or something?”

Doctor Lola nodded encouragingly. “That seems perfect, work your way into it. Did either of you parents act when they were younger?”

Harry scoffed. “Oh, no - god no. My mom is a bit more reserved with stuff like that and my dad is - _was_ very much an _Excel_ spreadsheet and slide deck kind of guy. But he was always really good about supporting me, I guess - I mean, they both are - but my dad was always really into it. Like he would run lines with me and help me practice before debate meets - but yeah, now it’s just me,” he finished lamely, a little embarrassed. 

“You miss your dad,” Doctor Lola said plainly and he nodded once. “That’s okay. What I’m here for is to help you find safe and healthy ways to do that, okay?”

There was no way she didn’t notice how anxious he was at the moment, but she still smiled kindly at him once their eyes met again and he nodded. 

“Alright, so for the rest of the session I figured we could go over what exactly made you decide to come in today? I know in your email you mentioned something about a party you went to and how you behaved there and afterwards, so why don’t we focus on that event or maybe even the series of events that led up to that?”

Right. The idle chit chat was over. This was why he was here. He felt sick all of a sudden. Restless, like he wanted his _juul_. Hot and itchy in his navy sweater. Irritated with Doctor Lola’s kind face and her _Legos_. But then he spun his dad’s ring around his finger and took a deep breath to center himself.

“I guess it was because of my sister - Kennedy. I haven’t really been the best brother since my dad passed away and - look, Ken means a lot to me. And it’s just the two of us now and I haven’t really been there for her lately. Not in the way I should be. And I don’t want her to worry about me.”

Doctor Lola nodded as she jotted something down, so Harry didn’t think he had her complete attention. “And I guess for Cassandra, too.”

“Cassandra? You mentioned her earlier.” She looked down at her notes. “Is she one of your friends or a girlfriend or -”

He looked down at his hands to hide his blush and fiddled with his ring again. “- Err yeah, I guess. She’s just - she’s one of my best fr - I mean, we kind of had a thing last summer, so I guess she’s technically my ex-girlfriend, but we’re friends now.” He cleared his throat. “She’s one of my best friends.”

“And she wanted you to see someone?”

“N-not exactly - or at least not like Ken. Cass has mentioned wanting me to talk to someone in the past, but has never explicitly been like _go to therapy_.” He sighed. This was so much harder than they made it out to be on TV. “I just haven’t been a good friend to her lately and was kind of a dick to her that weekend - like really fucking shitty - and she’s kind of one of the most important people in my life - besides Ken, obviously - and I just don’t want her to worry about me anymore.”

“And do they have reason to worry about you? Kennedy and Cassandra?”

Harry felt his eyes well up, but he refused to cry. Not here. Not yet. It was his first session and he promised himself that he would hold off on the waterworks until at least the third. 

“Yeah, sometimes,” he said quietly. 

“Why don’t we talk about that? Take me through that night and weekend?” Doctor Lola asked and Harry frowned. 

Just how much were you supposed to reveal to your therapist? Kennedy told him to be honest, but Doctor Lola had probably heard all sorts of bad shit from kids who had _real problems_. Like their parents beat them or they had been sexually assaulted or witnessed a murder or something equally as bad. 

Not rich white boy problems like occasionally doing _Xanax_ or _Adderall_ and binge drinking at parties on the weekends because they missed their dad and their life before he died. Shit like that. 

But Doctor Lola smiled encouragingly at him and he realized that he liked her - and that he trusted her. She _would_ be a good fit for him. Even with her _Legos_ and excessive amount of plants lining her window sill. 

“I’m not going to judge you, Harry. What’s important is that you’re here talking about it, okay?”

He nodded and took a deep breath. “Yeah - no, I know.” There was a loose thread on the arm of the couch that he suddenly had the desire to pull. “I guess I go to parties a lot on the weekends and drink a lot and sometimes _take things_ to try and forget everything. Just for a little while.

“Like about my dad and just how lost I feel about everything. That was what happened that weekend. I got really drunk and high on some _Xanax_ at this party. And my friend, Grizz - he’s cool, we’ve been friends since kindergarten - called Cassandra to come pick me up because I kept asking for her and being annoying and shit. 

“And I do that,” he elaborated, “I normally talk about her or at least think about her when I’m like that because I miss her even though I don’t really have the right to. And I guess it must’ve been pretty bad because she actually came to get me and brought me home and it became this whole thing - which I don’t even remember all of it because I was blackout for most of it, but I remember we were in this parking lot - at _McDonald’s_ of all places - and I said how I was glad she wasn’t my fucking problem anymore, like I was happy we broke up - after she told me I needed to stop drinking and I just kept throwing the fact that she cares about me in her face - I did it the next day when I texted her, too. And that was when she asked me not to talk to her. 

“And I haven’t, not really. Even though sometimes she’s the only person I want to talk to. And I know I’m supposed to want to be better for me and that’s what’s important, but I want to be better for her, too. For all of them. I don’t have to be the same me I was before, but I just want to stop feeling like this.”

He propped up his elbow on the arm of the couch and leaned into it a bit, trying to get comfortable. 

“Like I put on this act for everyone - my mom, my friends, my girlfriend - well, ex-girlfriend, Kelly - my teachers - everyone. And I want to stop feeling like this, like I can’t get out of my own head. 

“I don’t want to make my sister cry when she asks to hang out and I snap at her or make her feel like she can’t come to me if she’s having a nightmare. And I don’t want to make Cassandra feel like I’m not the same guy I was when we were together. She’s been there for me in so many different ways since my dad died - she was actually the first person I told and she dropped everything to come over to see me. And then last week - _fuck_ , I made fun of her for caring about me and giving a shit about me.

“And I think I love her and sometimes I think she loves me, too. But we have so much baggage and shit and I just want it to be like when we were at the Cape last summer - her grandparents have a house down the street from my parents’ house and we started hanging out and then we kind of had a thing and she was my girlfriend, though we never really put a label on it or anything - but yeah. I want it to be easy again. I want all of this to be easy again, but it can’t be. And I’m not sure I want to get rid of that. Like of hoping it can be easier again?

“So, that’s why I drink and do shit. To forget. For just a little while, it’s like my dad is still around and I have this great life and will see him later because if I get so drunk or high, I can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t. But last weekend -” his throat caught and he realized he had been crying for some time now. “Last weekend, it just became too much for me. And I guess I realized that no matter what I did, he wasn’t coming back and my pretending and how I got there was just hurting other people - and me, I guess.

“I just want it to stop and I want to miss my dad like a normal person and think of him when I do something good and not because I’m doing something bad. Because I want him to be proud of me and I feel like how I’ve been behaving these past few weeks or months wouldn’t make him proud of me. So, that’s why I’m here, I guess - to make him proud of me again - to make them all proud of me again.”

He felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Like he could finally breathe again. To further belay the point, he let out a deep breath and finally looked up at Doctor Lola. And to his immense surprise, her eyes held no judgement in them, just sadness and kindness and sympathy. 

And that look from her was what finally made him cry - properly cry. As in fat tears streaming down his cheeks, snot running out down his nose, ugly crying. Doctor Lola got up from her arm chair and offered him a couple tissues. 

“Hey, it’s alright, Harry. You did such a good job. I know none of this is easy, but we’re going to work together to get you to a place where things feel easy again. And I think your dad would be really proud of you sitting in front of me right now. When you’re feeling more comfortable, I would love to hear more about him - especially all the good stuff.”

He wiped his eyes with his fists and looked around the room. “Do you have any water?” he asked quietly. He hadn’t thought to fill his water bottle before leaving school earlier and knew it was empty. 

“Yes, of course.” Doctor Lola got up and made her way towards a fancy mini fridge that was along the wall across from the windows. “Here you go.” She handed him a chilled bottle of _Voss_. 

Harry took a couple greedy sips from the bottle. “Thanks,” he said with a sigh. 

“We can take a break if you want? I have snacks, too, if you’re hungry?”

He shook his head. “No, that’s okay.”

“Alright, then before we start wrapping up, I’m gonna ask you a couple questions and I want you to answer as honestly as possible - there isn’t a right or wrong answer. And we’re going to do this every other week, at least for our first few sessions and then we’ll do it as more of a check-in, does that sound good?”

He nodded. Doctor Lola took a loose sheet of paper out from the manila folder she had on the table and placed it on top of her notebook. 

“Your responses will be based on how you’ve felt over the last two weeks and I’ll read out the options for each, okay?”

That sounded vaguely ominous. “Okay…”

She gave him an encouraging nod before looking down at the sheet of paper. “Over the last two weeks, how often have you experienced little interest or pleasure in doing things you used to enjoy? Not at all, several days, more than half the days, nearly everyday?”

Oh. This was one of _those_ kinds of tests. Apparently, therapists used stuff like this to determine the severity of a patient’s anxiety or depression. He came across a bunch of different ones when he had been doing his research last night. He hadn’t done any of them because he didn’t want to psych himself out too much before his session. But all the websites and articles had said the same thing: tell the truth. 

“Uhh more than half the days.” Her pen scratched on the paper. 

“Over the last two weeks, how often have you felt down, depressed, or hopeless? Not at all, several days, more than half the days, nearly everyday?”

 _Fuck_. 

“More than half,” he muttered. 

“Had trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much?”

He rubbed at the back of his neck. “Uhh n-nearly everyday.” The dwindling supply of _Tylenol PM_ on his nightstand could attest to that. 

“Felt tired or had little energy?”

“M-more than half.”

“Had a poor appetite or ate too much?”

Harry had to think about that one a little bit. “Not really. I mean, I’m not like super hungry or anything, but I guess on the weekends I probably eat less since I normally sleep in for a long time and just hang out in my room? What was the second option?”

She looked down at the sheet of paper like she had actually forgotten the answers despite probably doing ten of these a week. “Several days.”

“Okay, I guess - yeah, several.”

“Alright,” she scribbled something down, “we’ve got a couple more, but you’re doing great. Next, over the last two weeks, have you felt bad about yourself or that you’re a failure or have let yourself or your family down? Not at all, several days, more than half the days, nearly everyday?”

Jesus fucking Christ. That one hit a bit too close to the vest. He twisted his dad’s ring around his finger. Doctor Lola definitely noticed. 

He was not going to cry. He was _not_ going to cry - not now. He had to clear his throat before speaking. 

“Uhh n-nearly everyday,” he said quietly. 

So quietly, he thought she hadn’t heard him and that he was going to have to repeat it - repeat the fact that he felt like a disappointment, like a _failure_ , nearly everyday - until she moved onto the next question. 

“Had difficulty concentrating on things, such as school work, reading, or watching TV? Not at all, several days, more than half the days, nearly everyday?”

“More than half, I guess. I’ve had trouble concentrating for the last few months, actually. Sometimes it takes me longer to do my homework or write a paper - my grades haven’t really shown it, but it’s like I have to try harder if that makes sense?”

Doctor Lola scribbled that down before moving onto the next question. Hopefully, there weren’t too many more. They made him anxious. Even though Doctor Lola said there weren’t necessarily any wrong answers, he probably hadn’t given the right ones either. He felt restless in his own skin.

“You’re doing great, just two more, okay?” He looked down at his lap and nodded. “In the last two weeks, have you felt like you were moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed? Or just the opposite, being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving around a lot more than usual?”

His hands stilled in his lap. At least he had an answer to that one. “Nearly everyday - but the second one. I fidget a lot, I guess.”

She probably had already noticed that, but she scribbled a note down regardless. “And over the last two weeks, have you had thoughts of hurting yourself or that you would be better off dead?”

Fuck. _Fuck_. 

To hear someone say it so plainly and openly made his eyes water. He took a deep breath and looked down at his lap to try and collect his thoughts. Doctor Lola didn’t push him, but he could tell she was anxiously waiting for his response. But he didn’t have one. At least not one in the black and white way her question was worded. 

But soon he found that once he started, the words wouldn’t stop pouring out. 

“I don’t know - more than half? But - I mean - I don’t want to die or hurt myself or anything like that. It’s just - sometimes I just want to sleep and do nothing? Like I don’t wanna have to think or worry about anything? I just want to do nothing and feel nothing because sometimes I feel too much and I hate it. I don’t want to be sad and angry all the time. That’s why I drink - to forget stuff like that. And then after, I just feel more sad and angry and scared when it’s over. 

“And everyone who cares about me - my sister, Grizz, Cassandra, Kelly, my mom and my grandparents - it’s like I just push them away. Like I’m trying to punish myself for feeling too much and letting them see me feel too much. And I’m just fucking tired of it.”

He let out a breath that he hadn’t known he’d been holding in and wiped the tears out of his eyes. Holy shit - what did he just _do_? What did he just _say_? He hadn’t even known he’d been feeling like that until this moment. He instantly felt embarrassed and he cleared his throat. 

“Shit, sorry I shouldn’t have -”

“- No,” Doctor Lola said firmly as she offered him a tissue, “Again, you did really well and I could tell you’ve been wanting to say that for some time now. That’s what we’re going to do in all these sessions.”

He finished wiping his eyes. “Are we going to have to do that every session? You’re not really selling me on a return visit,” he tried to joke.

For her part, Doctor Lola’s lips quirked up into a brief smile. She would have to get used to that - self deprecating humor was his thing lately. Kennedy hated it, but it made him feel better. 

“So, that was a PHQ-9 test, which is used to assess and monitor the severity of depression. I’m going to have us do one every other session until we get a firmer grasp on your response to treatment and these sessions. I thought it would be a good idea to start off with one based on your responses to the questionnaire you filled out for me before coming in.”

“Oh, okay…” His stomach was in knots. He wiped his palms on his jeans. God, he was so nervous. 

“You did score pretty high on the spectrum, which is between zero and twenty-seven. Anything above twenty is classified as severely depressed - and this isn’t necessarily a clinical diagnosis, but we do look at this to assess treatment.”

He looked at her warily. “And what did I get?” He felt like he already knew the answer, but he wanted the confirmation. 

“You scored a twenty.”

 _Oh_. 

“Fuck,” he said aloud. “Shit - sorry, can I swear in here?”

Doctor Lola said something in response, probably that it was fine, but he didn’t hear her. He just kept thinking about what she just indirectly said. 

He was depressed - severely depressed, apparently. Holy fucking shit. He didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or cry, but he did feel oddly relieved. Which made no and complete sense at the same time. 

But it finally had a name. This shitty way he had been feeling for the past however many months finally had a name.

“Harry?” Doctor Lola asked, snapping him out of his thoughts, and he focused back onto her kind face. “So, I think this was a really great start - seriously, I’m really proud at the way you handled all this. Your score on the assessment doesn’t have to define you and it’s fluid, so it’s going to change every time we do it, okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah - okay, thanks.”

“Now some practical stuff,” she looked down at her notebook, “for a couple of factors, such as your past issue with abusing medication, the fact that you’re a minor, and that this is your first session, I’m going to hold off on prescribing you any sort of antidepressant for now. Again, this can change in the future due to a variety of factors, but I would like us to explore a couple different options first. Sound good?”

“Yeah, okay,” his voice sounded small even to his own ears. His mind was still reeling.

“If you find yourself engaging in risky behavior or wanting to hurt yourself, I want you to call my office number, which you have in the packet I emailed you last week. If I’m not in the office, you’ll be automatically directed to my on-call number and we can work through whatever you’re going through, okay?”

He nodded. It was a scary thought. Granted, he hadn’t felt like he wanted to hurt himself - not in that way. But he did engage in risky behavior. And he hadn’t even told Doctor Lola about the whole Merritt Parkway incident yet. _Shit_. Guess he had plenty more visits ahead of him to unpack all that. 

“So, in the meantime, I’m gonna send you off with some homework. I think it would be a great idea for you to keep a journal, just to keep track of your feelings and thoughts between sessions. It can be good stuff, bad stuff, stuff in between - whatever you want. I just want you to get comfortable expressing yourself in this form.”

“Okay, I guess…” He wasn’t much of a writer, but if she thought it would help, he would give it a shot. 

She sighed, like she knew he wasn’t totally sold. “I know this is going to sound silly, but don’t use one of your extra notebooks from school anything. Pick something nice, something special. A lot of people find they write best before bed, but don’t feel confined by that. And - ” she paused dramatically, “I’m going to send you a couple different techniques to help you fall and stay asleep. I think these will really help.”

“Like yoga stuff?” he asked warily. Kennedy and his mom did yoga and he had never had the patience for it.

Doctor Lola tilted her head from side to side. “Sort of, these are designed to regulate your breathing and help you calm down before bed. Meditation apps are also very common for some of my other young adult clients. There’s even some with stories to help you fall asleep.”

If other kids did it, they must be okay. “I guess I could try them…”

“Excellent,” she clapped her hands together once and Harry found himself smiling at her exuberance for him downloading a meditation app. She was very sweet and kind. She would be a good fit for him. “I’ll send that off in my email to you later this afternoon, okay?”

He nodded, suddenly filled will something he hadn’t had in awhile - hope. “Okay, yeah - no, that’s good. That works.”

“Alright, while these sessions are mainly meant for us to get to know each other, I understand that they will inevitably get a bit heavy.” 

He nodded slowly. Yes, Doctor Lola, he had gathered that by the five soiled tissues he was currently clutching. He let her continue talking without interruption.

“When I first started practicing, I made it a requirement for myself to end every session on a positive note, no matter what the two of us discuss in the first forty-five or so minutes. So, I want you to tell me one thing you really enjoyed last week and one thing you’re looking forward to this week?”

He relaxed into the couch for what could’ve been the first time all session. Despite the rather negative outlook on life he woke up to last Saturday morning, he had managed to have a relatively decent week. It didn’t hurt that he was running on the adrenaline of seeing the plan he created on Sunday night through. But there were still a lot of bright spots. 

“I guess I really enjoyed hanging out with my sister on Friday. We went to the movies together, which had always been our thing, but we hadn’t gone for a couple months now, since before my dad died, at least. And we saw this really corny _Disney_ movie, but Kennedy really liked it and it was just nice that we made a whole night about it and then the three of us went to the city for the day on Saturday - oh, and I got a ninety-six on my test in AP Euro, which was cool.”

Doctor Lola smiled. “You’re a big history guy, right?” He nodded. “Well, congrats on the test and I’m happy you and your sister had a nice time at the movies this weekend and going to the city. Sometimes it’s nice to get away and have a change of scenery. So, it’s Monday afternoon, what are you looking forward to this week?”

This one came surprisingly easier than he had thought it would when Doctor Lola first broached the exercise. “I’m looking forward to making things right with Cassandra - officially this time.”

“Officially?”

Harry winced. “Yeah, I tried to apologize to her for - well, everything after class the other day, but we kind of got interrupted. And then we bantered a bit - we do that, we’ve always done that - and it seemed like we were going to be okay, but I still need to do something else.”

Doctor Lola nodded thoughtfully. “Well, it’s definitely good that you got a start on it and recognize it would be good to follow up. Maybe you could try writing down what you want to say first?”

“Like write a letter?” He was not about to pull out some _Pride and Prejudice_ shit. That was not him. 

“Hmm, it doesn’t have to be a letter, think of it more as a way to gather your thoughts? Like I mentioned journaling either - I can already see you rolling your eyes at me, Harry,” she teased, “I just mean, plan out what you want to say or even let your thoughts flow freely. You know Cassandra best, what’s a good approach?”

Okay, he supposed that made sense. Harry had never been much of a planner - at least where emotions were concerned. He tended to just wing it and hope for the best. In the past, this had worked pretty well, but he wanted this to be good. And perfect. Cassandra deserved that much. He honestly just wanted to be friends again and he was pretty sure she did, too. 

“No,” he looked directly at Doctor Lola, “that’s actually perfect - thanks, seriously.”

“Well,” She shut her notebook with a snap, “I look forward to hearing about that next week.”

Harry smiled slightly and only hoped he would have something worthwhile to tell her. But for now he had a pretty good feeling things would work out. 

\--------------

**Mon, Mar 18, 10:23 PM**

_hey_

_so i’m going to therapy now_

_and i thought you might want to know_

_no wait please ignore that seriously_

_i don't know why i thought you’d want to know_

_especially since you don’t want me to text you_

_fuck sorry_

_Hey  
No I do, I think that’s really good Har  
Seriously I’m proud of you  
Wait that sounded stupid  
But that’s really good_

_it’s kind of weird to be honest, but kennedy really wanted me to go_

_she goes too, has since december_

_shit i probably shouldn’t have said that_

_I won’t say anything_

_you ever been?_

_to therapy?_

_I haven’t, but feel like everyone should probably go eventually_

_it’s exhausting, feels like i ran a marathon_

_and i’ve only gone once_

_It’ll be good Har, seriously. That’s a huge step and really important_

_i also kind of finally went for you, i guess_

_i mean because of you_

_and because of that night last week_

_i shouldn’t have been so mean to you the next morning and that night, there’s nothing wrong with you worrying about me. i was just mad you saw me like that and i was angry and hungover and i kind of like that you still worry about me and i know that isn’t really fair, but it’s true and i’m sorry i scared you. i hated not talking to you these past few days_

_i still care about you a lot too for what it’s worth_

**10:49 PM**

_No, it’s okay. And I’m sorry too. I really missed you this week  
Night Harry_

_okay, night cass_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...yeah. that was a lot and not very ship-y, but i really wanted harry to get a scene in with everyone since we haven’t really heard things from his pov before. so yeah, i’m really happy that harry’s getting the help he needs and we’ll be back to hassandra dorkiness soon. also where do we think harry wants to go to college??? 👀


	8. the only thing i wanna do [is make it up to you]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> andddd we’re back with some texts! so i ultimately decided to split the texts up so there will probably be 3 ish one shots with these texts and then you’ll get the last batch of texts and one shots before we catch up with the show! a couple things in this chapter and the subsequent ones will severely affect what happens in the show, so i hope you’ll be curious/pleased with the changes??
> 
> quick housekeeping thing: i know it was briefly mentioned last chapter, but “ivy day” is when the bulk of the ivy league and other top tier schools release their regular admissions results (since cassandra got into yale by applying early action (meaning you only apply to one school), she’s known she got in since december!). so harry would find out about a lot of his schools on that day...
> 
> and i just want to say thank you all SO MUCH for the kind responses on here and twitter about the last chapter. it really meant a lot 😊 - harry is still kind of getting acclimated to all the changes he made last chapter and we’ll see him continuously working towards getting better over the next few chapters and beyond! and the chapter title represents both cassandra and harry as they try and repair their friendship, so it’s not just directed towards one of them.
> 
> let me know what you think - thanks!  
> xjordan

**_the only thing i wanna do [is make it up to you]_ **

**Tue, Mar 19, 5:20 PM ******

********

I’m glad we got to talk after debate today

_yeah, me too  
even though i had the stronger argument and won, it was still nice_

Shut up, you try arguing in favor of the prison industrial complex, it’s hard

But I’m glad we’re gonna be friends again

_‘proper friends’ i believe you called it_

Lol yes, proper friends

_‘proper friends’  
makes me think of jane austen novels and afternoon tea_

HA I like that

Do you even drink tea?

_god no  
you know i’m a coffee person  
but those sandwiches and scones always look pretty good  
the little cakes too_

Now you’re making me hungry

What’re the Binghams having for dinner?

_my mom just got home, but we’re having chicken pot pie_

Homemade?? Damn Karen

_lol no  
she got one of those fancy ones at whole foods_

Ahhh right

We’re having salad and pasta

_i can make pasta!_

Really? You burn popcorn

_wellllll i can make mac and cheese from the box which is basically the same thing_

I’ll have to keep that little factoid on file

_‘factoid’  
nerd_

Stop being mean to me! What happened to ‘proper friends?’

_pretty sure i tease all my friends…  
you’re just going to have to get used to it_

Fine

_fine_

\--------------

**Thu, Mar 21, 7:42 PM**

Soooo Ivy Day, you hear back from anywhere??

_mmmhhmmm couple places_

You gonna tell me any of them?

_no ma’am_

Come on, really?

_guess you’ll just have to continuously refresh my instagram for the next few weeks until i change my bio_

Ugh, even Kennedy wouldn’t tell me!

_you texted her?? cheater  
you’ll be one of the first people i tell  
if i tell people…_

Wow, I’m honored

_you should be_

\--------------

**Sat, Mar 23, 2:08 PM**

Is it Cornell?

_????_

Did you get into Cornell?

_i’m not telling you…_

You know where I’m going!

_i think everyone knows where you’re going cass  
not that you brag about it, but it’s important to you and you let people know about it  
and i still think it’s really cool you got in_

Thanks

And I guess I did save a lot of money on application fees

_very true_

Was it Dartmouth?

Middlebury?

Georgetown?

BC?

_i applied to a couple more…_

I’m just gonna keep guessing

_and i’m just gonna keep not telling you  
you’re smart cass, you’ll figure it out_

Ughhhhhh

Fine I will!

\--------------

**Tue, Mar 26, 4:15 PM**

_what’d you get on the euro test?_

82 I’m pissed

_wait seriously?  
how?? mr klein loves you_

I have no idea. And I studied so hard

It’s killing my average

_i can see the class rank shifting as we speak…_

Shut up

What’d you get?

_97_

Ughhhhh why are you so smart????

_if it makes you feel any better, i got a 76 on the spanish quiz last week  
maybe he switched your grade with lexie’s_

Ha no it would’ve been worse

_she’s fucking terrifying, did you know she got into middlebury?_

Literally how? Grizz didn’t even get in there. Pretty sure she’s failing lit and calc

_my mom says her parents are NUTS, like doomsday prepper nuts, but she’s a double legacy or something_

Ugh, fucking rich people

_i know, we’re the worst_

Wait did you get into Middlebury too?

Is that why you said ‘we’re the worst?’

_hmmmm nice try nancy drew_

\--------------

**Wed, Mar 27, 6:21 PM**

_you left your script in the auditorium  
do you want me to drop it off at your house?_

Oh my god

I didn’t even notice

Thanks!

But no, you can just bring it to school tomorrow

_hmmm sure you don’t want to practice your lines a bit…  
and look at the new blocking…  
you were looking a little rusty out there today cass_

Fuck me

Because you’re oh so perfect

Shit

I meant you

Fuck you

Not fuck me

Oh my god

Sorry

_sure sure_

It was autocorrect!

_mmhhhmmmmm  
but i am perfect, thank you for finally acknowledging that_

We’re not off book yet, I don’t have to have everything memorized

_you think you’ll do it in college?  
“theatre?”_

I don’t know

It’s kind of a big deal at Yale

Like even just the kids who didn’t get into the drama program are probably really into the clubs and stuff and I don’t know if I’m that good

_what? no, you’re really good cass  
seriously_

Thanks, but I don’t know. I’ll have to see. Maybe I’ll just do debate or something like that?

And you? At any of your nameless institutions of higher education? Do they have good drama programs?

_mmmhhhmmm_

Are you ever going to tell me?

_like i said, you’re smart cass  
you’ll figure it out_

I could just bribe the guidance office to tell me

_you could  
but you won’t  
you want to figure it out_

Why do you have to be so difficult??

 _keeps things interesting_

\--------------

**Mon, Apr 1, 7:33 AM**

Wait, when did you and Kelly break up?

_uhhh like three weeks ago_

Oh my god, I’m so sorry

I had no idea, you never mentioned it

And no one else really did either now that I think of it

_we didn’t want to make a big thing out of it  
we’re cool, it was mutual  
we’re still friends_

Still

I feel bad I didn’t know

Like if you wanted to talk to someone about it or something

_thanks, but i’m good  
really_

Okay, but if you change your mind…

_i’ll let you know_

I only found out about it because Caroline Cormier was talking about it by her locker this morning

Think she’s got her eye on you now…

_oh shit  
i’ll be right there then, don’t let her out of your sight  
ever since i heard her long island accent stutter through popcorn reading in sixth grade, i knew she was the only girl for me_

You think I’m kidding, but she’s telling Madison about her plan to partner with you on the Spanish project

_well, why don’t you just be my partner then?_

Really?

_yeah_

Okay

I’ll see you in class in a few, I’m just leaving my locker

_mmmkay, i’m in the student parking lot_

Harry!

Second bell rings in two minutes

_ummm you’re not in class yet either pressman_

Yes, but I’m closer than you are

_stop texting me and maybe i’ll be able to walk faster_

And there’s the second bell…

_i’ll be fine  
i’ll just spin senora riordan a compelling tale for my lateness  
en español_

Loser

_try hard_

\--------------

**Wed, Apr 3, 9:13 PM**

_calc homework????_

Hmmm

No

_please????  
i’ve been at it for like two hours and i still don’t get it_

You’re not going to get it if I just send it to you

_please cass??? please???  
i’m desperate  
and i’m not above begging_

Good to know

Fine I’ll send it to you

_oh my god you’re the best  
thank you thank you thank you_

BUT we’re going to do it together tomorrow in free period

_oh hot  
yes  
meet you in the stacks_

Shut up

The HOMEWORK asshole

_sure sure  
the ‘homework’_

You’re on thin ice, I haven’t sent it to you yet…

_..._

In return you have to help me with the spanish homework and we have to get a start on the project

_oh easy  
sure_

Good we have a deal

Here [image]

_thank youuuuuu  
looking forward to “doing it together tomorrow in free period”_

Ha fuck off

\--------------

**Thu, Apr 4, 7:31 AM**

_nice sweatshirt…_

You did say I could keep it

_not your usual school day attire..._

True, usually just wear it to bed, it’s soooo cozy

_i know what you’re doing_

Gosh I hope I don’t get too warm in class later

Might pose a bit of a problem, these bulky sweatshirts aren’t really meant to be layered or anything. But you have spoken about your admiration of another article of clothing I’m wearing before, so don’t think you’d be too opposed, as it were

_cassandra…_

Hmmm not so entertaining when the shoe’s on the other foot is it Harry???

_fuck off_

\--------------

**Fri, Apr 5, 3:51 PM**

_alright, what’s your best conspiracy theory for the smell?_

This needs some thought

**4:10 PM**

Okay so my first guess was sewage backup, but my dad said they’ve checked and the smell isn’t any stronger at the DPW

My next guess is Darien is sick of losing to us in lacrosse and orchestrated some elaborate senior/April Fools Day prank and it kind of backfired

And my final guess is we’re all doomed and gonna die

_all reasonable theories  
think the second one has merit_

What does our esteemed Mayor Karen Bingham say?

_it’s weird, she’s really cagey about it???  
like ken asked her about it at dinner and she got really defensive??_

Huh weird

_who knows, i’ll let you know if she says anything else_

Yeah, thanks

\--------------

**Mon, Apr 8, 7:23 AM**

_the smell??? is gone???_

I guess??

What happened?

_my mom said they had someone come in this weekend. but like what’d they do??? spray lysol everywhere??_

No idea, it’s just weird though

Shoot

I didn’t do the spanish worksheet

_see now that’s news  
Here [image]_

Oh my god

You’re a LIFESAVER

\--------------

**Tue, Apr 9, 1:35 PM**

_what the fuck is this movie mr klein is playing for us???_

Like am I allowed to be watching this? In public school?

_what the fuckkkkkk  
i’m leaving_

Focus on something else

Helena and I thought it would be a good idea to start studying for the AP exams during our free periods if you wanna get in on that?

Grizz too

_we have like a month???_

They start on May 1st! That’s just around the corner

_fine_

Yay! We can divy up the study guides and everything

_you’re seriously bringing down morale over here_

Thought I heard someone groan, but could’ve just been the movie…

 _funny_

\--------------

**Thu, Apr 11, 9:58 PM**

How’s it going with your therapy stuff?

You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I just wanted you to know that I think about it a lot

It seems like you’ve been doing really well so that’s really cool

_thanks  
yeah, they’re actually going pretty well  
tough sometimes, but good  
my therapist is actually really cool  
she’s super young, like she might be 30, but it’s kind of nice since she can still relate to some of the stuff i’m dealing with_

No that’s awesome! I think I’d want the same if I talked to someone. Like someone who I can relate to a little bit more than if they were my parents age

_exactly yeah  
she wants me to get a hobby_

But you have plenty of hobbies??

_not really  
they’re all school related  
except surfing but i can’t really do that here  
and apparently i have interests, not actual hobbies_

Well what did she suggest?

_she thinks i should seriously take up golf since i love watching it so much_

Ooooo I like that

_she plays too which is cool  
and she says it might be nice for me to use my dads clubs, kind of honor him that way_

Yes! That’s sounds perfect actually

Do you guys belong anywhere that you could play? Or take proper lessons or something?

_we still belong to west ham cc and one out in chatham, my mom was going to cancel the one here, but said she would wait if i really wanted to play there/take lessons_

My grandpa said you were pretty good for not playing a lot before, I think it would be good for you. Doesn’t golf take a lot of focus and concentration?

_yup, that’s why the good doctor was all for it  
she also thinks i should start baking???_

You? Bake?

_mmmhhhmmm_

But I guess that makes sense though, like the repetition and following the recipe is probably helpful?

_i guess  
and it’s ‘something tangible i can take pride in’ whatever the fuck that means  
idk i’m less enthusiastic about that one_

Well you can test recipes and stuff out on me

_kennedy already called first dibs, but if i ever make anything good, i’ll bring you some_

I’ll probably be waiting awhile then…

_if you’re mean to me you’ll be waiting even longer…  
i’ll give you all the burnt ones_

You wouldn’t…

_try me_

\--------------

**Fri, Apr 12, 3:05 PM**

I meant to tell you at school but have a good spring break!

_you too_

You haven’t mentioned any plans or anything? Don’t you guys normally go somewhere exotic?

_exotic_

You know what I meant, someplace nice

And warm

_oh yeah i guess  
but this year we’re staying pretty local. my mom has to work, but ken and i are driving out to the cape with my grandma for a couple days. and then earlier in the week i have this thing for college_

For one of your nameless institution of higher education?

_the very same!_

Hmmm

But that sounds fun actually! You should say hi to my grandparents when you go to the Cape, I know they’d love to see you guys

_i’ll text your nana. we’re probably going wednesday or thursday. what do you have planned?_

Just this college thing Monday

_ahhh very cool  
be careful with those college guys pressman…_

I’ll keep an eye out

\--------------

**Mon, Apr 15, 10:07 AM**

Wait, are you at accepted students’ day?

At Yale?

_must be another devastatingly handsome brown haired white boy with above average intelligence  
you’re excused for thinking otherwise though, we are a rare breed_

Funny

But seriously, I could’ve sworn it was you

He even had the same artfully disheveled hair and one of those ridiculous _Barbour_ jackets you wear like you’re at a Boxing Day shoot or something

_been checking me out lately, have you pressman?_

Ahh but no boat shoes, can’t be you!

_you know i own other shoes???  
and shouldn’t you be paying attention to some over caffeinated tour guide tell everyone why they should become an Eli?_

Wait how did you know that?

Seriously Harry, don’t fuck with me if you’re here

Shoot, your doppelgänger moved so I can’t even double check now

_lucky guess  
those tours are literally all the same  
seen your boy jack mcavoy yet? bet he’d be keen to show you around  
or what was the other one’s name?? thad?? teddy? tommy??_

Funny

_also why are you there?? aren’t you kind of locked into your decision since you went early action? aren’t accepted students days normally for indecisive kids?_

Like you?

This guy looked just like you though 

Or at least he did from the back

_hmmmm who says i’m indecisive? what if i know exactly what i want?_

\--------------

**Thu, Apr 18, 10:22 AM**

Have fun at the Cape!

_thanks!_

\--------------

**Fri, Apr 19, 1:08 PM**

_your nana really wants you to come back this summer  
she made me promise i’d talk to you about it  
at length_

Are you with them now? Say hi for me!

And I’ll seriously think about it

_your nana and my grandma are becoming friends  
it’s terrifying  
they’re too similar_

Oh god

I think it’s sweet your grandma came with you guys though

_yeah, she’s actually going to stay with ken and me there this summer while my mom works_

Oh fun! Nana will love that

What do you guys have planned? You got there yesterday right?

_yeah, we came in yesterday around lunch and mainly cleaned up the house  
none of us knew my dad used to pay one of the neighbor kids to start my jeep every once and a while so we had to call triple a to start it  
but my mom is coming up later today after work  
we’re spreading some of my dad’s ashes tomorrow_

Oh wow

That’ll be really nice, Har

_looking forward to it doesn’t sound right, but i think it’ll be really nice  
like this makes it a bit more final i guess  
like being here without him  
but it’s still nice_

It’s good, seriously. And I hope you guys have a good time. You deserve a break. Get an ice cream for me

_pretty sure you still owe me one…_

I will settle my debt once you actually let me pay for something!

_see but that’s not fun_

I’m gonna do it and you’re just gonna have to deal with it

But in the meantime, have a nice time and text me tomorrow

_yeah thanks cass_

\--------------

**Sat, Apr 20, 3:48 PM**

_it went really well actually  
we did kind of an abbreviated service thing, just the four of us_

That’s really nice

Especially that you all were there together and he loved the beach so much

And I hope I get to meet your grandma sometime

I know you said it was tough when she was at your house in the fall, but it sounds like it’s been working out?

_yeah, her and my mom are a little tense sometimes  
but she’s great  
she’s really good for ken_

And you too, I hope?

_yeah, but she says i remind her of my dad too much  
or at least she said that back in november_

She probably didn’t mean it in a bad way

You should ask her about it. I’m sure she misses him as much as you guys do. Was he an only child?

_yeah and my grandpa died a couple years ago_

It might be a good idea to ask her about it?

She’s all alone now, I bet that’s tough

_that’s true  
like i knew that, but i guess i never thought of it that way_

You don’t have to talk to her about it today or anything, but it might help?

_i might ask my therapist about it_

That’s a good idea, I’m probably not in the position to give out professional advice or anything

_no you’re perfect  
i mean you’re good  
you know with advice and stuff like that_

Okay cool

Right

Anyway I’m glad it worked out today

_yeah me too, thanks cass_

Of course!

\--------------

**Mon, Apr 22, 6:21 PM**

Do we seriously have to write five poetry essays for lit? Like how am I supposed to manage that on top of the _There Eyes Were Watching God_ chapters for the next few weeks??

_right??? plus studying for ap exams? like i already got into college and my grades aren’t going to tank that much in the next five weeks. i don’t need this. who did you pick for your poet?_

Sylvia Plath

_ugh you would  
you know she stuck her head in an oven_

She was misunderstood!

_or crazy_

Alright Ted Hughes who did you pick then?

_ee cummings_

Of course you did

_excuse me, he’s very good. i’ll have you know that i’ve found a lot of solace in his work…_

Sure sure

_seriously, some good stuff  
the syntax! the prose! the perverse imagery!  
hold on, i’ll send you one  
link:[i like my body when it is with your]_

Harry…

_what?_

You can’t write a poetry essay on that

_and why not??_

I don’t know???

It’s not very appropriate for school??

_isn’t the point of the assignment to analyze poetry and look for metaphors and shit? pretty sure there’s plenty in that one_

Well what if you have to read it out loud or something?

_i doubt we’ll have to do that and if we do i’ll just pick one of the FOUR others i had to do instead  
wait i like this one too  
link: [i carry your heart with me (i carry it in)]_

I like that one

_but not the sex one?_

Shut up

And I never said I didn’t like it, just that it wasn’t appropriate for school

_hmmmmm  
interesting  
but makes sense i suppose…_

???

_you always did like when i texted you stuff like that…_

Shut up

\--------------

**Wed, Apr 24, 2:07 AM**

_are you awake?_

Yeah actually

What’s wrong? Are you okay?

_are you okay? you normally aren’t up late?_

I’m fine

Seriously

I just had a soda late and can’t sleep

What’s wrong Harry?

_i had a bad dream  
and you were in it  
and i just wanted to make sure you were okay i guess  
which sounds dumb now_

It’s not dumb

And I’m fine besides for being an idiot and having a _Diet Coke_ at 8:30

But I’m okay

Do you want to talk about it?

_not really  
i shouldn’t have texted you  
sorry_

It’s okay

We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to

Dreams are weird

_this one wasn’t weird  
it was really lifelike  
like it felt real_

I’m really sorry, maybe watch a movie or read or something? Listen to music? Get your mind off it that way?

_can i call you?  
shit  
sorry  
it’s like 2 am  
i’ll be fine  
please ignore that_

You can call me

I don’t mind

_yeah?_

Yeah

And we can talk about anything other than your dream if that’s what you want

_okay  
thanks_

[Call Log: 00:23:09]

\--------------

**Thu, Apr 25, 10:12 PM**

_you looked really pretty today_

Oh

Thanks

That’s actually really sweet

I got a haircut after school yesterday

Maybe that’s it

Do you think it’s too short?

_no it’s perfect  
it looks really good_

Thanks

I liked your shirt today, it looked soft

_oh wow, a guy could get a complex with compliments like that_

\--------------

**Fri, Apr 26, 2:17 PM**

Hey sorry to text you last minute, but could I have a ride home? Allie has a dentist appointment at 3 and took the car and I was going to walk, but it’s raining

_thirty seconds later and you would’ve been dodging puddles pressman  
but yeah, i’m still in the parking lot_

Thank you!! I’ll be out in 5

_5 minutes??? that wasn’t part of the deal, it’s friday  
i can’t be seen loitering around the student parking lot on a friday_

I just have to drop off the rest of the permission slips for the class trip in the office, 5 minutes max

**2:32 PM**

_you okay??  
do i need to send a search party??_

Yeah, sorry

Just ran into someone

_because that’s not ominous???_

I’ll tell you in the car, just don’t freak out

_now this is very ominous  
wait i see you  
are you crying?  
cass??_

Where are you???

_i’ll pull up front, hold on_

**7:29 PM**

_how you doing?_

Okay

_you sure?_

Like I said, it’s not like he hit me or anything

He just called me a stuck up bitch

And was creepy as fuck

_still  
dewey’s a piece of shit, everybody knows that_

I guess

The ice cream was nice though, you didn’t have to do that

_figured it was literally the least i could do  
and like i had some too, wasn’t all just for you_

Still

It was nice of you

Reminded me of last summer

_have you given any more thought if you’ll go back?  
to your grandparents house?  
they really want you to_

I’d like to, but my dad says I have to get a summer job

_get one out there! sling ice cream cones for minimum wage  
give me your employee discount, seriously_

That’s not the worst idea you’ve ever had

You want to work with me?

_ha no  
me??? manual labor??? hard pass  
but i’ll visit you every shift and give good tips_

It’s a plan then

_plus someone will have to pick you up, we both know you can’t drive_

I know how to drive??

I literally drove you last month???

_i blacked out that memory, too traumatizing_

Because my driving was why you blacked out that night

_you said it_

**10:03 PM**

_just text me if you need anything okay?_

I will

And thanks again for everything

_night cass_

Night Harry

\--------------

**Mon, Apr 29, 11:45 AM**

You didn’t have to do that

_do want?_

Come on, Harry. They’re saying whoever told the principal was anonymous, but I know it was you

_fine  
dewey’s always been a fucking creep, him and all his weirdo friends  
what he said to you on friday and then the post he made on instagram this weekend just pissed me off  
he deserved to get suspended, at least now he won’t get to perv on everyone with his ‘west ham secrets’ instagram account during senior spring and prom and the trip_

How’d you even know he ran the account? I’ve literally never heard of it

_unfortunately a lot of guys know he had that instagram account. like i don’t know if you’ve seen it since it’s only been around since early last week but it’s mainly about girls at school. it was kind of an open secret he ran it and not many people actually followed it, but you can probably still see who sent stuff in or watched the stories. figured i couldn’t get him in trouble for what he said to you on friday but heard he ran the account, so easy trade in my mind_

What did the Instagram post say?

I only heard about it second hand

_it’s not nice. i took a screenshot of it for proof but i don’t want to send it to you  
seriously it’s not good_

Harry, please? No one else will

People have been giving me looks all morning and I just want to know

_it’s really fucked up and gross_

Please Harry

_cass_

You’re the only one I trust to actually tell me

_cass_

Please?

_fine  
it basically said that you ‘lorded over the school’ and were a ‘stuck up cunt’ and that you ‘needed to be put in your place and should be on your knees begging for it until you couldn’t walk away because that’s what you deserve’_

Oh

_i’m so sorry cass  
it’s gross  
but i saw it and just knew i had to say something_

Yeah no, I get it

I’m kind of happy no one told me about it yesterday when the post was made, would’ve ruined my weekend

I guess I just didn’t know that’s how people felt about me

Or whatever

_people don’t think that, okay?_

Well clearly Dewey does

And whoever liked the post

_well i definitely don’t think that sweetheart  
you’re still at lunch right? we can go to the library or one of the practice rooms or something? just you and me. get away from everyone if you want?  
better yet, we could just ditch? call it a day in f block? i’ll let you drive the maserati_

No, it’s okay

People are going to talk anyway

At least now I’ll know what it said

_i can still sit with you if you want?_

No, you’re sweet, but that’s okay. I’ll be fine

I think Allie is ready to beat the shit out of anyone who comes up to my table

_don’t think she likes me much anyway  
she’s very...intense_

She’s just protective of me, even though it should really be the other way around

_she’s a good sister then_

You know a lot of people are mad at whoever told Principal Figgins

Like everyone is tied up in it somehow

People have been getting called down to the office all morning

_think i’ll get over it_

You’ve never sent anything in to it, right?

To the Instagram?

_no but i know of some guys who have  
and i didn’t really say anything to stop them at the time  
i don’t know i guess having a younger sister has always made me really pissed about stuff like that, like what if some guy literally wrote a manifesto or posted pictures or texts from kennedy and made it into a meme on instagram?  
and it was you so i just had to do something i guess_

Still

You really are a good guy Har

Even if you like to pretend otherwise

_it really wasn’t a big deal, anybody would’ve done it_

Not for me

Seriously thanks Harry

\--------------

**Tue, Apr 30, 6:21 PM**

_how you doing?_

Good, but tired, especially after that rehearsal

_but like no one gave you any trouble or anything today?_

No, not today

_okay good_

You gonna text me everyday now?

_would it be so bad if i did?_

No, it wouldn’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooo i’m definitely going to do a one shot for the spring break entry, as well as the whole thing with dewey and everything since that is SUPER important, but i kind of want to do one where they’re just at school or rehearsal or something and being normal and cute so feel free to recommend another entry in the comments or on twitter (@gretagerwigmuse)


End file.
